Wednesday, December 8, 2010



we've had our first scare. last night i came home to my boy having a horrible bout of GI issues, including diarrhea and some (short lived) nausea. the diarrhea went on for some time and eventually we saw blood. not being able to reach his vet, i spoke to the ex who basically said, "k, it might be time". to say i was absolutely beside myself would be a huuuuge and ridiculous understatement. i lost it. i was a blubbering mess.

looking at him, in spite of feeling sick yesterday and pooped (no pun intended) today, it just doesn't seem possible that he's really sick. you fool yourself daily into thinking he'll live to a normal bulldog old age. at any rate, the vet has determined he has a stress induced colitis or a minor bowel infection, and to be on the safe side, he's on s short round of antibiotics. he is pretty much himself today and the diarrhea is slowing down, and I've seen no more blood, thank goodness.

a few things occurred to me as i faced possibly putting him down today if things worsened or they found the cancer had indeed spread. 1. i will never be ready- there is no such thing as being ready. i should have remembered that lesson when i lost mom. but what a gift cancer is, in some ways, allowing us the time to truly cherish what we have left of it, knowing what the ultimate outcome will be. 2. this will be much, much harder than i ever could have imagined. and 3. he is still my rock. as i blubbered and whispered to garth: "i can't do it, i just can't do it- how am i going to do it?"... my boy sat at my feet, licking my leg- over and over again. as if to say- don't worry about these details. they are insignificant. my death isn't the end. later, he was pulled onto my lap and he washed my face clean of all those salty tears. how unfair it seems that he is strong for me. it isn't that i'm not for him, or haven't been, or won't be, but it amazes me how he reminds me of being present to one another, in the moment. he truly, truly is... the best dog ever. ever.

i've hesitated to update about him, trying to just focus on the days and weeks we have together. we have our next appointment monday. we were to begin his 4th round of chemo. unfortunately, the tumors in his neck are growing again, and most likely chemo will be stopped as it is now ineffective. there may be some other options (a certain injection) but i refuse to put my dog through anything that will diminish his quality of life or risk him losing it sooner (from allergic reactions, etc). so, we'll talk about those things come monday. i fight looking at the calendar and just move into each day so grateful for his snoring body next to mine.

this weekend we celebrate my birthday. the plan was to take him to the beach, make the weekend all about him- as i can't think of any greater gift to give myself or our small family. since the doctor believes the colitis was ultimately brought on by stress, we might opt out of the beach and find something more suited to his style, like psmart again :)

this is a tough road we wander down unexpectedly. but on the way, there have been just as many unexpected gifts.

26 comments:

  1. You are in my heart. This is so very hard.
    Sending lots of good thoughts and prayers.

    Hugs!!!

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  3. I had to put my old cocker down last year, it was the most difficult thing in my life so far, she had serious kidney problems and all her life she was a very sick dog, I posponed doing it for about 2 months but then one day I saw that she was suffering and in part was my fault, so I just put her in the car and took her to the vet, I cried for 2 months, she was my best friend but as my mom said to me, it was up to me to give her a decent death and not just wait until she dies suffering, I owned that to her... so I did it and my heart aches until now.
    They are more than pets, they are family.

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  4. Much of the response that I provided on the Siblings post fits quite nicely here as well. But I would also like to add that there is no such thing as being ready. No anesthetic or antidepressant can immunize you from the pain of losing someone you LOVE. And make no mistakes about it, your love for Ransom is no different than the love you have for another human being, so the loss is equally severe and profound. You can have a heads-up and see the inevitable in the horizon, but that will not lessen the loss. A total loss is a brutal loss no matter how gradually it materializes.

    I'd like to leave you with the words of a man who he himself had his heart broken by the type of loss we both have experienced:

    "There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation." (from the Four Loves)

    I can't explain it. The thoughts are so elusive (or the answer too deep for me to grasp) that I can't explain the following adequately enough: Let your heart be broken over this. The alternative is an affliction that can't be healed. Suffer the loss. I know the pain will be beyond comprehension, but God I swear to you that down the road (based on an image or impression that doesn't leave my mind) their faces will greet ours once again. I don't know how to further elaborate on this except to say that I don't mean it in some Touched by an Angel crap sort of way. Someday or somewhere, when we pass through our own death, our "eyes" will open to find those we have lost gazing back at us. It sounds funny, but yes, lose them now and you will gain them back later.

    If my comments are inappropriate or too long, please feel free to delete them. And if there is anything I can do for you and your family, you know how to reach me.

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  5. My heart is breaking for you.

    Much love to you all.

    Lea
    xo

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  6. Damn and double damn. I am so sorry for you and for boob. Your big snoring mountain of love and comfort. He has been loved, he has loved, he will spend his last days being made fully aware of what a great gift he has been. There is some small comfort in that right now, I think. Maybe. Though I know how the heart suffers when we turn and face the loss of these furry angels that make their way into our lives.
    I will think of you Monday and I will try my best to send rays of hope and comfort your way.

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  7. I cannot, CANNOT even imagine what you are going through.
    I am so sorry :-(
    Sending you lots of love....

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  8. I am so sorry. We just went through this in April. You think you are out of tears and then something like film on a video camera you had forgotten about sneaks up on you and hanging his ornament on the Christmas tree. Yes my 4 legged boys have Christmas tree ornaments and they got stockings too!
    My heart goes out to you. Enjoy those wonderful licks and snuggles.

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  9. I am so sorry K. I'm thinking of you.

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  10. I am just so sorry! We have had to put down 5 dear sweet pups in the past 6 years! We lost 3 in one year, all to cancer and kidney disease! We did all we could but in the end it was their quality of life that made the decision easier (if it can be at all easy). It did give me some measure of peace though! I was with all but one when they passed and it was very peaceful. Hug on him and love him and enjoy every second with him!!!! I love your heart for him!

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  11. It is so hard. Holding you all in the light.

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  12. I am so sorry to hear about your boy. I too had the worlds most amazing little Beagle named Molly.She was diagnosed with cancer the survived for almost two years before she passed away. I thought I would never survive. not a day goes by that I dont miss you little face,her touch,her presence. but, I feel her in my heart. you are right, those last two years were oh so precious made even more so knowing what the outcome would be. I pray for you as you walk thru this valley and for courage and peace. no matter what happens,you will always be his person and he loves you with all his pure heart.

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  13. Beautiful picture of your girl and boy. My heart aches for you. My rock, Koot my Newfie just turned 5. The vet told us a couple years ago we'd only have him till he was 5 or 6 because of severe confirmation problems with his joints. I feel you pain as I know sooner than later I'll be walking the same path.

    Blessings to you,
    Suzanne

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  14. My heart is just filled with pain for you guys right now K. I've been reading your posts and have gone back to our own journey with our Molly and how heart wrenching it was for us. I wanted to tell you that if and when the time comes please see if your vet can come to you at home. While it will be hard, it will be comfortable and peaceful for B and most of all for you to be at home where your emotions can flow with freedom. Through our journey with Mollys cancer it was such a relief to be sitting with her in our laps under her favorite tree when she went off to play at the rainbow bridge. Hugs and more hugs my friend. You are in my prayers.

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  15. What a beautiful picture of your daughter & boy. Thinking of you.
    Donna

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  16. A dear friend of mine said the most profound words to me. She had just lost 2 brothers-in-laws and a sister-in-law in a short 6 month period. Truly devastating. When I told her I wondered how she handled it all she simply said that I was her honor to be with them while they passed through the veil to the other side and weeped whiled she said to them, "You made it. You made it." It gave me a different perspective on death. We lose someone - there is a void, a deep loss...but in reality their spirit lives on and it will be but a short time in the entire scheme of things that we will all be reunited - and what a reunion it will be. These moments are gifts - I know you know that. My prayers are for you my friend.

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  17. I'm so sorry to read this post. I know it's a difficult decision and one that we might be facing very soon for one of our pets too. Sending prayers your way for a wonderful weekend (both for you and your boy) He knows you love him and you know you are his everything! That's all that is needed!
    HUGS

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  18. Oh, K. My heart hurts for you. Hang in there and lean on those who understand!

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  19. My heart goes out to you for all that you are pondering in your heart. You are right, you will never be ready to say goodbye but your love for him will be what decides to let him go. You WILL see him again one day, I promise and I know that those words are not enough right now but he will be there just inside the gate waiting for you to come home one day. What an awesome life the boob has had with you as his momma!

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  20. Little dog we all love you...
    If he does'nt suffer, you don't have to do anything.

    i think to you
    Severine

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  21. Oh my gosh...I can't even imagine what a tough time this is for you all...my heart goes out to all of you...I wish I could reach out & give the Boob a big ol' hug & you too, of course!! Sending out prayers & BIG HUGS!!!!

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  22. Fingers crossed and keeping Ransom in our prayers...

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  23. It is such a terrible decision to have to make. Sending you much love.

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  24. My heart hurts for you. We just had to make a decision to put our beloved Border Collie, Rudy, down at the end of September. When it came time to go I just couldn't do it, and my dear husband and two sons took him to his final appointment.

    Enjoy the days you have with Ransom, make lots of memories and take lots of pictures. Losing a part of the family is never easy.

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  25. I remember when my beloved Dakota died. The hardest part was that she wasn't there to comfort me. I know, that doesn't make sense, really. But that's how it was. So hard. I'm glad you get to this chance to have a long goodbye. Hopefully things will get better, and the goodbye will be longer than you ever hoped for!!

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