Friday, December 3, 2010

ransom then and now

Deepa and Kris 027
1 year old

Deepa and Kris 102
my boy, 1 year

7 years old

i found some old photos hidden in the hard drive from his first year (the second was taken this week after i said, "carrot?"). i have others taken with an old film camera from when he first came home at 4 months, but our scanner is all pesky these days and i can't get them onto the computer. looking at that first photo though? wow. the years since then that have passed and all that we have been through together.

i emailed his vet tonight, to let her know that it seems his tumors have enlarged. maybe it's an illusion. maybe emotionally i can't feel what is real any longer. impossible to be objective. i try to tell myself that, anyway. kitchu, it's your emotional fingers getting in the way! the tumors- they haven't changed! don't be silly! they are the same! but a second and triple checking grope around his neck, seeing how the right side is bulging again, i know the clinical mind that rests under my anxiety isn't fooled.

i am selfish, as i whisper into his velvet ear: i'm not ready buddy. i'm not ready.


  1. BTDT, may you still have time. Your Ransom is a gift. One I know you have always treasured and will always love and take care of. I hope you're clinical mind is wrong. Sending some extra positive thoughts and love your way.

  2. Awwww crap. Sweet, sweet Ransom. Who could be ready to loose sucha dear one? Hugs, hugs and more hugs.

  3. So sorry that his disease is progressing quickly. Hope it is just your 'emotional fingers' and the chemo can hold things at bay for you for longer yet.

  4. Hang on, Ransom. Just a little longer for mama.

  5. Hugs and more hugs. Arms wide, fully encircling, and holding on tight kinda hugs. That's what I would do if I were there.

  6. Every time I see his cute face, I think how hard it is to say goodbye. Just a little more, Ransom - momma's not ready.

  7. His plan is not our plan, so be prepared and treasure every moment you have.

  8. I know you are not ready K, think of him. You will always have him in your heart. Your love for each other will never die, only the flesh.