7 years oldi found some old photos hidden in the hard drive from his first year (the second was taken this week after i said, "carrot?"). i have others taken with an old film camera from when he first came home at 4 months, but our scanner is all pesky these days and i can't get them onto the computer. looking at that first photo though? wow. the years since then that have passed and all that we have been through together.
i emailed his vet tonight, to let her know that it seems his tumors have enlarged. maybe it's an illusion. maybe emotionally i can't feel what is real any longer. impossible to be objective. i try to tell myself that, anyway. kitchu, it's your emotional fingers getting in the way! the tumors- they haven't changed! don't be silly! they are the same! but a second and triple checking grope around his neck, seeing how the right side is bulging again, i know the clinical mind that rests under my anxiety isn't fooled.
i am selfish, as i whisper into his velvet ear: i'm not ready buddy. i'm not ready.