we've had our first scare. last night i came home to my boy having a horrible bout of GI issues, including diarrhea and some (short lived) nausea. the diarrhea went on for some time and eventually we saw blood. not being able to reach his vet, i spoke to the ex who basically said, "k, it might be time". to say i was absolutely beside myself would be a huuuuge and ridiculous understatement. i lost it. i was a blubbering mess.

looking at him, in spite of feeling sick yesterday and pooped (no pun intended) today, it just doesn't seem possible that he's really sick. you fool yourself daily into thinking he'll live to a normal bulldog old age. at any rate, the vet has determined he has a stress induced colitis or a minor bowel infection, and to be on the safe side, he's on s short round of antibiotics. he is pretty much himself today and the diarrhea is slowing down, and I've seen no more blood, thank goodness.

a few things occurred to me as i faced possibly putting him down today if things worsened or they found the cancer had indeed spread. 1. i will never be ready- there is no such thing as being ready. i should have remembered that lesson when i lost mom. but what a gift cancer is, in some ways, allowing us the time to truly cherish what we have left of it, knowing what the ultimate outcome will be. 2. this will be much, much harder than i ever could have imagined. and 3. he is still my rock. as i blubbered and whispered to garth: "i can't do it, i just can't do it- how am i going to do it?"... my boy sat at my feet, licking my leg- over and over again. as if to say- don't worry about these details. they are insignificant. my death isn't the end. later, he was pulled onto my lap and he washed my face clean of all those salty tears. how unfair it seems that he is strong for me. it isn't that i'm not for him, or haven't been, or won't be, but it amazes me how he reminds me of being present to one another, in the moment. he truly, truly is... the best dog ever. ever.

i've hesitated to update about him, trying to just focus on the days and weeks we have together. we have our next appointment monday. we were to begin his 4th round of chemo. unfortunately, the tumors in his neck are growing again, and most likely chemo will be stopped as it is now ineffective. there may be some other options (a certain injection) but i refuse to put my dog through anything that will diminish his quality of life or risk him losing it sooner (from allergic reactions, etc). so, we'll talk about those things come monday. i fight looking at the calendar and just move into each day so grateful for his snoring body next to mine.

this weekend we celebrate my birthday. the plan was to take him to the beach, make the weekend all about him- as i can't think of any greater gift to give myself or our small family. since the doctor believes the colitis was ultimately brought on by stress, we might opt out of the beach and find something more suited to his style, like psmart again :)

this is a tough road we wander down unexpectedly. but on the way, there have been just as many unexpected gifts.