absence

(pentax k1000, kodak ektar 100, film)

sorry for my absence here and visiting all of you, i miss the blogs i once followed and appreciate those of you who faithfully come here. this week has been beautiful and painful saying good-bye to such a dear friend and soon i am to have surgery so things have been incredibly busy and i have needed time for reflection and pause. i am certain during my recovery there will be time to get back to reading some sites again and i look so forward to that.

i hope you are all anticipating spring and noticing the subtle changes in weather if you live in colder climates. we are enjoying warm sunny days here! i almost wish we could hang on to a bit of cold as i feel summer will come to us much sooner than anticipated...

have a wonderful week :O)

you flicker and you're beautiful, you glow inside my head*

...you hold me hypnotized, i'm mesmerized...*

(*the cure- the caterpillar)

Hiro-san's Lessons

(canon EOS rebel, kodak ektar 100 film)

Hiro-san says,

life is full of challenges and stress, but pause often and take in the world around you. it is a world full of treasures. smell it. watch it. tilt your head toward the wind & bark at it. and if you're not tasting it, you are really missing out. leaves are the stuff. give them a try. if you're not willing to eat them, take your shoes off. how often do you let your feet get dirty? get dirty! greet new people with enthusiasm. smile at them, sniff them, if you are so inclined. better yet-lick their toes! rest when you need to and never worry what others think of you. you can't help that you snore and belch and sometimes drool! (okay, wait, i can't help that). apologize when you make mistakes. forgive immediately. kiss and hug and snuggle and take lots of naps. be a best friend. invite others to play. run, jump, chase each other through the woods, engage those you love in a healthy game of tug-o-war. smile when you win. smile when you lose. cuz that's what it's about. that's the ticket! living! now! with the ones you love. right here, in this moment. so go on with it!

the painting on the wall

(yashi and pentax, kodak ektar 100 film)

in the beginning... there were flowers.
in the end... there was Totoro.

what an amazing day.

新年快樂

(hutong, beijing, 2009)

come Monday, the dragon will be upon us! xīn nián kuài lè!

and futures have a way of falling down in midflight*

i wanted to hold your hand again. last night, after 2 long days at work, neither of which provided a single moment to reflect on the last 6 years without you, i let my guard down and melted into a heap of tears as i opened my car door and bent to greet you in the driveway with a quick kiss as i heard you say "Hi Kricky" with your smile and your squeeze. i could see the garage door open, as it always was, and allowed myself to come into our home again. i walked through that door, into the familiar warmth and light of our old house, your home, the place i could always return to... i sat on the couch with you and i listened to you speak and i heard you in the kitchen, perhaps loading the dishwasher or pouring a 7-up into your always handy plastic cup(s). then i followed you back outside, away from this place that exists only in my memory. the meeting was brief but it was enough to bring me to the knees of my grief. it is not a place i go often.

some tell me it is God's will you left this earth 6 years ago, January 17th, 2006, just after midnight on that day. do you know that your granddaughter was born on this day in China? i am not convinced it was your time to leave us. not all things are God's will. people make mistakes and we live with the regret of them. i have mine. hopefully, wherever you are now, you have grown from your own, passed into that next life into the infinite light of new wisdom. some part of me can't resolve how you are not here, not a part of my daughter's life, that you never saw me become a mother, fulfill that dream of parenting a child. this particular amazing child. some futures have a way of falling down in midflight and something tells me you weren't done flying.

i get these glimpses of you with her. i allow myself the imaginary luxury of your laughter, cascading like a soft spring rain into her life. you are down on all fours with her; you are teaching her to color inside the lines or maybe celebrating that she's so good at staying outside of them (!); you are playing with her, building blocks and mansions and dreams with her. you were so good at being "Tata". my heart breaks into this constellation of pain wishing she could know you. it isn't enough that i'm too much like you. (damn it).

i love you mom. and i hate that you are gone.



*(line from the poem "After a While" by Veronica Shoffstall)

(canon EOS rebel, kodak ektar 100, film)

someone's about to turn SIX next week. someone else can't even BELIEVE IT!