Thursday, September 3, 2015

I fell in love the way you fall asleep: slowly, and then all at once

~John Green~

Monday, April 20, 2015

In just 2 months, third grade will be finished and we will find ourselves making our way to Ohio again for yet another surgery. 2015 has been a mixed bag for sure. So many challenges, but many things to smile about too. She's braver than the bravest, and constantly reminds me of the power of living in the moment.

Mom is exhausted most days but not unhappy. Life is harder now than it's been previously but we will come out on the other side. I fight with insurance and wish this state had better aide for those who are disabled. It's disgusting how much I pay out of pocket for my child to do what every one of us takes for granted. But we muster on.

Ellis excels and loves "multimication" (she still says it this way, and I'm trying to hold on to her being little, so I never correct it). We pull teeth to get her nose in a book though. So unlike her mother who never puts one down.

In Ohio this past December we met Aron, the son of Joyce from New Hope Foster Home. Incredible, really. He was the person who took care of casting Ellis's leg in China for 2 months. What are the chances we'd meet in Ohio, and he would be a resident and assist in Ellis's surgery?? Such a small, strange, and magnificent world sometimes. Ellis became fast friends with his daughters and tells me everyday she wants to move to Ohio :) She saw her first snow as well and nearly cried saying goodbye to it.

Sunday, November 2, 2014

so it's come down to this

I know I never post here anymore, and that is in large part due to being a single, full time working mom (to one very amazing girl). We are heading to Ohio for a major life changing surgery in 5 weeks and frankly the costs are simply overwhelming. I have had a garage sale, and am in the process of selling some worthy items in my home, and working some overtime this month to help offset the cost of travel/stay for a full month in Ohio. I also will not have enough paid time off from work to cover her entire 8 week recovery period. Please take a look at this site, and consider donating if you are able. We appreciate every cent, and all of your positive thoughts and prayers!

Saturday, August 16, 2014

dream a little dream

ransom the boob at kar's me and my boy 2 me and my boy 

 Early this morning I was racked with guilt. You had gone missing, somehow- and were picked up by a city rescue team. They left a message, telling me if I did not come and claim you by 6pm, you would be put to sleep. I was frantic. Calling over and over, leaving messages begging them not to touch you, that you were mine and I needed you. You were sick, had cancer, and needed me. No one was picking up the phone to hear me ask for you and claim you. Some time later I was at work in a laboratory and my eyes were on the clock. 10 minutes and you would be gone forever and I couldn't find you. I called again, near hysterical, pleading through an answering machine- please bring my boy back to me. And then. My boss, the sounds of voices on the other side of the lab door, laughter, and words like 'Oh she will be so happy' and 'Thank you for bringing him here'. The door opening, and you you you you there (!)- there in front of me then next to me, me bending and kneeling to take you in, hold you. A reunion so sweet I couldn't catch my breath, shedding tears, relief flooding through me. "Buddy, buddy. Oh Buddy I love you I'm so sorry I lost you". You, always the one to forgive instantaneously, no thought of the past or your own fear being separated from me. Snuggling into me. Welcoming me. 

 God how I miss you Ransom. My heart breaks sometimes with missing you. Thank you for visiting me in my dream last night. It has been far too long since I last saw you.

Sunday, June 29, 2014

in the summertime

wave your hands in the air
2nd grade came to a close in early June, 3 years with Mrs. S, sad good-byes, the promise of summer and late bed times. I missed the end of year play, no less. The oppressive heat has settled in like an *unwanted* warm blanket, almost suffocating. The sounds of mockingbirds singing alone at night, the cardinals perched on our bird feeder, sunsets, sleeping in, lazy days. No vacations, they aren't possible now. Surgery on the horizon, again, for my Goose. Long talks about her favorite tv show (Beyblade), the length of life, what the year 3000 will look like, China parents, and wishing for a sister or the ability to walk. Coloring together, seeing movies, giggling. A lot. Some tears too as she grieves those 3 years in her class. Anxiety mounts as the new school year inches ever closer. She's outgrowing her chair. Hair is longer by the minute but never long enough for her ;) Hiro sleeps and snores and barks and bites his leash, happily devours the rainbow loom bands that easily find their way to the floor. Play dates. New friends. Dinners next door and dinners out. G and I working on this new relationship-as friends. Single parenthood simultaneously challenging in a way that equals pure exhaustion, but somehow equally as rewarding. Weight gain year after year. No time for anything but laundry, cleaning, yard work, job, a measure of sleep... oh, and the giggling, coloring, snuggling, talking. Short visits with family. Dad survives a massive heart attack. We dream of distant lands. A trip to China. Or Texas. Anywhere outside of the state we are in... meanwhile, day trips to the ocean or a new city, museums, parks. Staycations and swimming. Incredible thunderstorms. More doctor visits than a little girl can count. Life is hard. Life is also and always so good. ellis, school play elle and mom dad Doctor schmocter, I got this. seagull and sky friends swim party thai fried rice with pineapple my girl dusk

Saturday, April 26, 2014


“How did it get so late so soon?” 
― Dr. Seuss 

 It's like glimpsing too far into the future, the "baby" that came to me so rapidly changing before my very eyes. It is difficult to witness time in this way, and not feel overwhelmed with a combination of grief and abundant joy, both at once.

Saturday, December 21, 2013

the ghost of christmas past

christmas cookies
 (pentax, film)

Wherever you are when you receive this letter
I write to say we are still ourselves
In the same place
And hope you are the same.

 The dead have died as you know
And will never get better,
And the children are boys and girls
Of their several ages and names.

So in closing I send you our love
And hope to hear from you soon.
There is never a time
Like the present. It lasts forever
Wherever you are. As ever I remain.

 (The Christmas Letter, John N. Morris)