known by heart

every skin fold. every hungry grunt. every "i need you to pet me grunt" and the distinctive "come on guys i wanna be on the couch too" grunt. every chewbacca whine. every snore and sigh. the meaning in your ears laid back against your head as you swagger to greet me at the door. the "look back". the carrot induced head tilt. your various panting- some born of anxiety, some brought on by warmly snuggling close and needing a move from the couch to the cool tile of the kitchen floor. some just big smiles and happiness, tongue hanging out, hamming it up for your audience. all your names and from where they came: Poopy Puppy, Boober Doozer, Boob, Stinker Do, Buddy, Lean To, Licky Larry, Mr. Fat Pants. your sense of humor. your hot breath in my face. your yeasty paws too red from licking. your scars. the velvet soft of your ears, your under belly. the patches of lost hair. one spotted ear, the other not. your teary eyes. your sneezes. that tiny umbilical hernia you've had since day one. how you'll choose a foot to sit on any day of the week over the floor. the dry patches on the top of your nose where your tongue can't reach. that one paw you'd rather no one touch- ever- the others, you don't seem to mind so much. the weight of you in my lap. the way you kick your back leg in half-sleep to make more room for yourself. how much you adore G and how intently you listen when either of us talk to you. the way you dream. your shifty eyes and sleepy blinks. your passion for chew toys. how totally good you are about taking medicine without any fuss. the way you shake when first out of bed, and just after we get outside. your opposition to bath time, thinking that running and jumping in your chair will save you from it, every.single.time. your love of the towel dry and tolerance of the blow dryer and just plain giving in to the nail clippers. how you trot around all full of yourself after that bath, waiting for the reward you know is coming. the way you huff as you climb the stairs. the manner in which you eat scarf down your meals. and almost take off a finger when we say "easy" as we hand you a table scrap. how you subtly let us know it's time for bed. the way you wait for me at the top of the stairs. your wiggling and shifting. how any halloween costume completely immobilizes you like a full body cast so that you must be reminded that yes, you can still walk. your love of the back scratch. the way your lips fall when you are laying on your back, upside down. the wind in your face. the way your nose twitches as you face that wind, taking it in. those 360's at lightning speed in the yard in your younger years. your loathing of "walks". your fear of objects- like: suitcases, boxes, packages you've never seen. but especially the suitcase. how you bark to keep those objects at bay. your compassion. the way you long to be near me. how you will climb over the person sitting next to me to get there. how you shoulder my tears. sometimes licking them away. sometimes hugging them hard. sometimes with your head on my chest, looking into me. but always, carrying them. your bravery. your joy. the firm and soft parts of your tumors. your silly expressions. the way that one tooth gets stuck on your upper lip. your wet kisses on my calves, my arms, my face and neck. how deeply you love. how you believe everyone is here to see you because probably they are :0) how you loved E from day one. how you waited patiently for that love to be returned. your desire to be involved with all that we are doing, especially if it involves food (from preparation to meal time to clean up, which you are thrilled to help with). your love of sleep. your ravenous appetite. for a new treat. for a new day.

for life.

(the decision to withdraw chemo was made today, in confidence, and with hope for his best days ahead until his days with us are done).