Friday, December 3, 2010

ransom then and now

Deepa and Kris 027
1 year old

Deepa and Kris 102
my boy, 1 year

IMG_5694
7 years old

i found some old photos hidden in the hard drive from his first year (the second was taken this week after i said, "carrot?"). i have others taken with an old film camera from when he first came home at 4 months, but our scanner is all pesky these days and i can't get them onto the computer. looking at that first photo though? wow. the years since then that have passed and all that we have been through together.

i emailed his vet tonight, to let her know that it seems his tumors have enlarged. maybe it's an illusion. maybe emotionally i can't feel what is real any longer. impossible to be objective. i try to tell myself that, anyway. kitchu, it's your emotional fingers getting in the way! the tumors- they haven't changed! don't be silly! they are the same! but a second and triple checking grope around his neck, seeing how the right side is bulging again, i know the clinical mind that rests under my anxiety isn't fooled.

i am selfish, as i whisper into his velvet ear: i'm not ready buddy. i'm not ready.

9 comments:

  1. BTDT, may you still have time. Your Ransom is a gift. One I know you have always treasured and will always love and take care of. I hope you're clinical mind is wrong. Sending some extra positive thoughts and love your way.

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  2. Awwww crap. Sweet, sweet Ransom. Who could be ready to loose sucha dear one? Hugs, hugs and more hugs.

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  3. So sorry that his disease is progressing quickly. Hope it is just your 'emotional fingers' and the chemo can hold things at bay for you for longer yet.

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  4. Hang on, Ransom. Just a little longer for mama.

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  5. Hugs and more hugs. Arms wide, fully encircling, and holding on tight kinda hugs. That's what I would do if I were there.

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  6. Every time I see his cute face, I think how hard it is to say goodbye. Just a little more, Ransom - momma's not ready.

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  7. His plan is not our plan, so be prepared and treasure every moment you have.

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  8. I know you are not ready K, think of him. You will always have him in your heart. Your love for each other will never die, only the flesh.

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