Saturday, October 9, 2010

recovery

recovery

so. i had this dream exactly 2 weeks ago to this day. i was at my ex's clinic, where Ransom has been treated since he came to us at 4 months of age. exam room 3. my ex (D) was in the room, along with his internist (J) who i adore, and my sister, Karen. g and e were out in the waiting room together. it must have been well into fall or winter because i remember it was already dark outside, and yet it was not that late... 5:30? 6pm? anyway. Ransom's internist turns to me: "the disease has become too far advanced. i'm so sorry. we recommend that you put him down". i nod, because of course i knew this. my ex gets very choked up and says he can't stay in the room and how sorry he is. i tell him it's okay. the internist (aka J) asks if i want a box to carry him home in, for burial. i tell her no, that i'd like to have him cremated.

exactly 2 days later, i found the masses. did my hand pass over that place on his neck mindlessly while i was engaged in some random TV show? and did it register somewhere in my subconscious? is this how the dream emerged? i don't know. i just remember getting him to the vet that very day, and telling J that i'd like for this dream to remain a dream.

she truly believed we were dealing with an infection, in the absence of any other signs. his blood work was fine. his affect normal. he was eating great and has a hearty appetite (of course, he's on steroids for his skin, so easily that could mask another symptom). we tried antibiotics for a week without any response. in fact, those masses enlarged. hence the need for a biopsy and surgery.

the call came yesterday. ransom has lymphoma. this a type of cancer (and within that subgroup, there are also many types of lymphoma).

wow it's hard getting used to those words, right? i am an oncology nurse, i know what this means. it was strange to feel the fury under my grief during that conversation with J, after holding onto one thread of hope after another in spite of what my gut had been telling me. i choked through my tears: "(curses) this really sucks. he was supposed to die of a heart condition!". J cried with me, because she loves him to pieces too.

we talked about options for him- my goal, our goal- is to give him more time with quality of life. i didn't ask too many questions about the kind of lymphoma. i knew it wasn't good as his masses have grown rapidly in just 2 weeks and seem to have multiplied.

since he is not a candidate for IV chemo (which would yield a better result) we are opting for the oral version in hopes of getting him into a short remission at least once. one of the masses is quite large and encroaching on his trachea, so if we can shrink them even a little this will no doubt help him feel more comfortable. i have been told (by each doctor caring for him) that we are dealing with months now, even with treatment. if he had better veins and weren't a bulldog, we might get a longer remission. but we're being realistic.

and we're all recovering. he from his surgery. us from the news. there's been a paradigm shift, and i'm certain- as i always am- that under the pain of this diagnosis and prognosis there are these intangible, significant gifts. and that they are wrapped in a squat, snuggly, quirky, adorable 38 pound bulldog.

he has changed in the last couple of months. he doesn't tolerate time alone like he used to and prefers to be wherever i am- or with whoever is here. as my ex said, he's noticed even at the clinic that he's become "clingy". i mused that maybe he knew, maybe Ransom sensed something or felt off. D said that was probably true.

Boober has been my rock. as i said in a prior post, he shouldered more tears than any human has on my behalf. now it's time for me to be his rock.

the plan? make these the best days, weeks, and months of his life- whatever is left of it. yes, he will eat ice cream! yes, he will chew on a steak bone! and see the ocean! and lick his paws! or my leg! until he is out of breath! without me saying: "Ransom. No licking"! he may get sick of how often he'll get his back scratched! cuz the boy is about to be spoiled in a way he's never known.

we will celebrate him. who he is to each of us. he is my buddy and one of my best friends. he is my boy, i'm his mom. there will never be another like him. he has snorted and wiggled and licked his way into the hearts of so many, and there isn't a person who meets him that doesn't walk away wishing they could sneak him out the front door for keeps. (and if you have any food whatsoever in your hand or pocket he will happily follow- ears bobbing up and down as he trots right beside you, waiting for a chip to fall).

i am going to take some time to grieve what is to come. an interlude. i will allow myself the gift of knowing what i am going to lose. and then, we will move into the next day, together, with the wind at our face... that wind will dry the tears and have us panting and sniffing with joy.

because life is a snapshot, really. it's one lived moment after another. captured one frame at a time. then compiled together, like some crazy unbelievable, brilliant collage. 4 months to 7 years at the speed of a shutter. the order doesn't matter. the end doesn't matter. the love in every shot and in between. that matters.

this matters. right now. ransom at my feet, snoring, dreaming. happy to just be in the same room with me.

happy to just be.

41 comments:

  1. You're infinitely better at this than I am. So sorry to hear of this terrible news. I had thought of him as my cyber-Ransom and looked forward to meeting him one day. This really sucks.

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  2. Oh, and that was one hell of a dream you had.

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  3. Aw darn it...I'm so sorry. You are living my greatest fear with my baby Zeus...hang in there.

    "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own". Matt. 6:34

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  4. I don't think I have ever been so taken a back as I am with this news. I am so sorry you are facing this my friend. But, as usual you are taking life and its sometimes horrid, set backs, with grace. My heart bleeds for you all.

    Lea
    xo

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  5. I'm sorry. It is so very hard to lose a member of our families and I am so, so sorry.

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  6. I have had those sort of dreams before. The kind of dream that is your heart preparing for a hard reality that is coming down the pike. You have been able to find the only comfort available in a time like this, the knowledge of what is here and now.
    My heart is aching for you all. I really feel that Ransom knows too, what is coming, and that is confirmation enough for me about the interior lives of our precious animals.
    Enjoy him. Love him. Grieve now and take a breath and let it out and fill his last days with love. This is a sublime plan.
    I will keep you ALL in my heart and in my prayers.

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  7. So sorry to hear this. I know his time left will be amazing. Sending you guys love.

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  8. I'm so sorry! How wild you had a dream about it though. Sending you hugs and support.

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  9. I am so sorry, reading this my heart sunk.
    There are no words, just embrace this time, enjoy every moment..

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  10. Tears over here, not that they help but I had already decided this was not going to be the case and he was fine. Just one of the many that think he is wonderful beyond words.
    Enjoy each second of each day.
    Hugs.

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  11. Oh no - not poor Ransom. I have tears in my eyes. That sweet boy. I'm so, so sorry. I was so hoping you would get better news.

    Definitely embrace every moment.

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  12. I'm just so very sorry to hear of this heartbreaking news. Oh how I wish they could live forever....

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  13. I am so, so sorry!! Years ago, one of our dear doggies got cancer. A huge mass in his private area that seem to grow overnight and it was huge! We did oral chemo but were told 6 months tops. He lived 6 more years before the cancer came back. Our wonderful 3 legged doggie who we lost last year, was diagnosed with a brain tumour after having seizures. They recommended putting her down but our vet put her on a different medication to shrink the tumour and give her a little more time. We had 3 more beautiful months with her and in the end, it was just a bit easier to let her go! I know how you are greiving and I wish I could give you a big hug! Do just what you are doing, love him up and spoil him rotten.

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  14. I'm so sorry, Kris. I cried reading this post. You are all in my prayers.

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  15. Oh I hate this news. :( I am so sorry.

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  16. Oh, K, I am so very sorry to hear this...this post brought me to tears...so heartbreaking...you are all in my thoughts & prayers...

    Cherish every moment with your sweet boy now...

    HUGS...
    Patricia

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  17. You know how sorry I am...thinking of all of you.

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  18. K- so sorry to hear this sad sad news. Everything changes, have fun, play well, eat lots of pnut butter and icecream Boober, you have always and will always be well loved.

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  19. You are in our thoughts & prayers. Hugs...
    Donna

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  20. So sorry for your news. Treasure your moments. Thinking of you.

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  21. I love your plan of celebrating Ransom. I pray peace and the happy memories, yet to be made, will sustain you. Ransom has lived his life well-loved.
    ((hugs))

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  22. I am so sorry; he is such a gorgeous beast and such a part of your story. I love your plan to use the time you have to indulge him and to collect memories.

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  23. So sorry. Lots of love your way.

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  24. Sometimes life just sucks the wind right out of you! We are doing the same kind of thing with our lab. She is in renal failure. We feed her special food but unfortunately, we aren't able to afford $50/week in meds AND $50 every other week in food. So, we feed her the special food and try to enjoy what time she has left. We don't see our same Brooklyn anymore. She is quite. She has difficulty getting up as her hips don't seem to work well. There is no more spunk. :0( Yet, we don't want to jump the gun. As long as I feel she is not in any pain, we will continue the special diet and hope that she enjoys just a few more months with us.
    My heart goes out to you! I know how much your boy has meant to you!

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  25. We love that dog & all of you. Continue to celebrate hime, as you do always....... This news just sucks!

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  26. Headin' to Petty's Meat Market.......there's a huge steak bone with his name written all over it. I have literally blocked "this time" from my mind for years because I simply could not bear to imagine the pain you would feel and how I could ever possibly help you through it. This handsome boy is uniquely wonderful and the love and devotion between you two is a joy to watch!! Your post blew me away and, as usual, will get ME through this. He is ours forever in our hearts and minds and completely un-repeatable (is that's a word!) Make the MOST of this time as I know you will. I love you Kitchu.

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  27. You are doing all the right things because yes, this matters! That is just what we did when our Molly got lymphoma and it was the best thing we could have ever done for her and for us. You are all in our prayers as you walk this path. Hugs and more hugs!

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  28. I am so sorry to hear about Ransom. Shortly after getting married I lost my beloved hound to cancer. Barnie was a wonderful dog who looked after me for 14 years, through the most difficult times of my life. Looking back, I feel that he was a gift to help me through all the hard times, and once he saw that his work was done and I was happy and could face things without him, he felt free to go. Losing a beloved dog is one of the hardest things to do especially if it he was so much more than a dog, the way Ransom has been.

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  29. I'm so very sorry you are going through this with Boobalicious. I lost my 17 1/2 year old Persian 2 years ago and there isn't a single day that I don't grieve for her. Just love him up til the cows come home. He'll smile his way to Heaven.

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  30. K,
    I am so sorry. We lost our 10 year dog suddenly in April and our 12 year old now has diabetes and is blind. Like you said in your beautiful post, treasure each day with those adorable sweet faces, licks, kisses and the ways they make us laugh and give us comfort.
    Hugs

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  31. It's ironic really that your wishes for Boob are those for my mom. Family is who loves you the most and Ransom fits that bill to a tee. I hope he endures no suffering or pain during this challenging time but know he will be enrobed in love by is family until he can't bear any more kisses.Love to you all

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  32. that was me, not Rob

    Lisa and Emme

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  33. Tears are streaming down my face. I hoped and prayed for better news for you and for Ransom. I cannot imagine the unbearable sadness you must have as you face this journey together. Love and cherish every moment you have left together on this earth with your sweet boy and know that he will be waiting for you. I pray for you to have the strength you need to be his rock. {{HUGS}}

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  34. I am at a loss. I am so very sorry. Please lay a big fat wet one on him from us.

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  35. So sorry to hear this sad news, our furry babes are our family too. It's always too soon whenever it comes. The love IS all that matters. Unconditional love reciprocated.

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  36. As the girls and I were driving home from gymnastics a short while ago, you (and Ransom) popped into my head and I had this sense of urgency to come right in and check to see if there was any news.

    My heart sank. It sucks. I've had so many animals in my life over the years. Many have had an impact on my life. But then there's that one *heart* dog that some people are fortunate enough to have in their lives. I believe Ransom is your heart dog. Kai was my heart dog who died 16 months ago of pancreatic cancer. Like you, I celebrated every day of his magnificent great dane life. Some days are still raw, but I look over at his collar that still sits on my nightstand and I am reminded that Kai would want me to really LIVE. He was my rock and at my side every.single.time. I was in crisis. He did not like tears, so I go on trying to smile every time I think of the big blue boy.

    Much love and hugs as you get through the days ahead. Love that boy like crazy. I know you will.

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  37. I'm sorry, he's so cute and nice.
    And i know that you love him a lot...

    take weel care of him and could you make him a big kiss from me.

    Severine in France

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  38. So sorry to hear this about your boy. You clearly are an awesome doggy mommy.

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  39. K.....I am SO sorry to hear about Ransom! We have been there with the loss of pets and it is horrible!! We hope and pray you still have some quality time left.....

    Hugs!!!!

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  40. This really bites. Take good care of Ransom in the time he has left and definitely celebrate him. Spoil him rotten. I am praying the chemo helps him. I am also praying you all have the strength to get through this.

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  41. Hang in there and remember John 16:33: "These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world."

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