Wednesday, June 30, 2010

heritage: ignore or integrate?


all of you have your pet peeves, things that annoy you, rub you the wrong way- am i right? well, i have them too. no, i'm not going to bore you naming all of them (ha! might be kinda long if i really sit down to think about it), but i want to talk about something i do have an issue with- this isn't a pet peeve, but something i believe is paramount:

my daughter's heritage.

what's my beef with it? well, i have no beef with her heritage. but i find myself considerably upset by APs that ignore or minimize the importance of their child's culture. it's terribly disconcerting to me. i read a varied and many websites (AP/adult adoptee/birthmom's, etc) and i can't tell you how often i find a family that has just jetted off that aircraft home from *insert country* and is encouraging their child to wave his or her proverbial american flag with as much enthusiasm as a world war 2 veteran. no offense, (i'm typing in hyperbole here), but after watching "daughter from danang" it has become even more visible, tangible, apparent- that cultural immersion (as much as that is possible this side of the pond) is imperative for IA children.

and that we shouldn't "wait" for them to express an interest or fool ourselves into believing that a lack of questioning means a lack of interest.

we are, after all, their parents.

would you wait until your child was inquisitive about school to send them? would you wait until they asked about God before sharing your faith with them?

we are their first teachers. their guides. and, by adopting them, as i've said before- we haven't only adopted our child, but (quite literally) their country- a past, a culture, a language, a heritage- and all the things that come with that. it no longer belongs only to our children, but to us.

E, G, and I are not an "american" family, but an american- chinese family (or, chinese-american family). my daughter is a chinese american. her heritage comes first. by no choice of hers, she is now an american citizen. but, only second to being a citizen of china and chinese by birthright.

we plan to make tremendous sacrifices in this family to help our daughter embrace her first culture and come to terms with being both chinese and american. not only do we plan to introduce chinese language into her curriculum (whether that be at a local chinese school or through private tutoring, and i should have clarified we will be taking the classes with her), but we're already putting money aside (what excruciatingly little we have) for a return trip to her homeland next summer.

because she is worth it.

i don't care if i dig my whole of debt to china, i will never ignore the reality of who she is, or pretend that just because she isn't bringing the topic up, it is not of chief importance (to her, and to us). will we follow her lead? in almost everything, of course- especially when it comes to her past. but we won't ever stop working to give her what is rightfully hers. in every way that we can.
beyond the FCC events (incredibly grateful for those) and the books and the decorations we make or put out for chinese holidays.

as Wendy said in the comments, we will fall short, of this i am sure. i am certain we already have in many ways.

but we'll never stop trying.

30 comments:

  1. Hooray! We feel the exact same way and it is OUR responsibility to bring the subject matter to them, as we would with many other things. My oldest got me with a zinger the other day when I commented on how tanned her skin was becoming in the sun...at five years old she retorted "duh Mumma, it's because I'm Asian y'know"...even such a small comment made me happy(despite the eye-rolling which made me less so) because she knows who she is in her skin.

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  2. Amen sister. We do our best to integrate our daughters culture into our lives; sadly we probably fall short but we try. Its a gift only we can give her and frankly, its just one of many she has given us...

    Wendy in OH

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  3. Bravo! I couldn't agree more! (Somtimes my four-year-old is all about embracing Chinese culture, and other times, she's not--so whereas we do everything we can to integrate, we also follow her lead.)

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  4. Absolutely agree...and will be doing the same thing (and of course, I fret over my probable shortcomings whether fretting is good use of my time or not). Was trying to figure out a way we could move / live in China for a few years the yesterday (?). . . her becoming my / our daughter has opened my eyes in all kinds of ways.

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  5. Absolutely. Our three have been in Chinese cultural school since they were 2 and it is by far our highest priority activity. Not that that will ever be enough on its own, but I love the influence of the teachers there, what they learn, and the other families we all meet there. I cringe when peeps just "ignore" that their kiddos were born in China and have given a lot up to be "ours".

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  6. Couldn't agree more. I know - as the pyschologist told me during the pre-adoption preparation - I can't teach Hannah to be Roma and so there really is a total loss of cultural identity. But I can try to find out and integrate as much as possible. I can try my best; which at the end of the day is really all any of us can do.

    This also might be of interest to you: http://www.rainbowkids.com/ArticleDetails.aspx?id=714

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  7. Yes. Though I am finding that I *must* tread softly with my ideas of what being Chinese means as my older daughter gets older. It is very complicated for her. And for us too, as we struggle to understand her feelings about things like language and possibly living in China. I sit here staring at my computer wanting to say more, but can't quite yet. Just that it is quite complicated. Adoption is so messy.

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  8. What a cute little face! :0) THANK GOD you value her heritage. Teaching her her roots will not only benefit her as an adult, but ALSO as a human being. She will know better the depth of your love.

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  9. elaine could not agree with you more. adoption is complicated, "messy" as you say. and it's why we'll follow her lead when it comes to this, but not without taking the responsibility of bringing what we can to her.

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  10. Good on you, and on everyone who has voiced their agreement. Now get out there in the adoption community and spread the word! Carry a stick if you have to - but in the nicest possible way :)

    To Elaine's point: You are absolutely right, we do have to be careful of pushing our children to privately or publicly embrace their culture the way we envision they should. But I also believe that we can lead them by example. My kids are grown, 21 and 19 now, and I can tell you that I have spent more time in and with the Korean American community and Korean adoption organizations on my own than with them. But they were watching, they saw how many Korean American and adopted adult friends I have. Today, many of these people are their friends, too.

    Thank you k for saying this OUT LOUD!!!

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  11. excellent point margie: set the example; be the guide :O)

    and i will use a wisp of bamboo, no hard sticks, promise.

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  12. oh...and this is why we are making the switch to an attachment therapist who is of Korean descent and also an adult adoptee...and why putting our daughter in Kung Fu with a 60 year old Chinese Instructor is a priority...I want her to not only embrace her heritage but to see examples of strong women from her culture.

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  13. I have to say that I have a few different views on this subject, but will agree with Elaine that it is complex & messy.

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  14. yep. i agree with elaine too. it's a mixed bag, a very complex thing: adoption. and culture identity. and as i said in my post, we will follow her lead. but we won't stop giving her the options and we won't assume she has no interest just because she hasn't brought that up.

    i'd love to hear your thoughts T. i didn't write this with any kind of authority, but to learn and grow. 3.5 years ago i wouldn't have been thinking of this stuff- it didn't "sink" in, no matter how much i read, until she was here.

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  15. The picture at the top....speechless. I love the new look. Just getting started again with reading.

    Love to all

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  16. I totally agree with this post!! I can't believe how many people I know don't even try to join any groups, socialize with other adoptive families or Asian families... they come back from China and go on with their normal lives as if they never even went to China. There is even one mother I know that has NOTHING good to say about their trip to China and the Chinese people- in front of her child. I feel that really tears down the child and who she is. It is very sad.

    I finally got so tired of not have a group for my daughter that was near by- I started my own. We now have 80+ members that try to put our children's heritage first.

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  17. =) Elaine thanks y'all for all the agreement! I've been thinking since commenting yesterday and want to be sure to say that YES we must be Chinese-American families and YES we must lead by example. However, I'm much more cautious than I was before we took our daughters to China a while back and the impact on my older daughter was devastating and not at all what we had expected. Our daughters and our families are working out identities and spaces in the world that don't have many precedents. At least not many successful ones. That's hard work, yet we stumble on!

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  18. The older the kids get the harder this seems to get. It is such a balancing act-including the Chinese culture in our lives and her wanting not to be different from her friends. I was very grateful this year that L. had 4 other Chinese American children in her class. L was number five but the only one who was adopted. L. thought is was great to see other faces that looked like her. She was asked why we did not look alike and her her response was "Duh, my Mom is not Chinese." That's my girl!

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  19. Important post. Thanks. And Margie, I like your comment on integrating yourself into your children's culture. That makes so much sense.

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  20. I have always talked openly with my girls about their birth country. We read books about China. We "celebrate" and talk about Chinese holidays. We enjoy Chinese food. We love to spend time with our friends who are also adopted from China. I do not "push" any of this on my girls. But it is present in our lives. And I know at this point, it is very much appreciated...Vivi loves to tell people about "MY China." She asks frequently when we will go back to visit HER China. She has a hunger for all things Chinese right now. I know that it may not always be this way, but it's like a complicated dance. Sometimes I take the lead. Sometimes the girls take the lead. It's all about paying attention to what the needs/wants/desires are at the moment.

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  21. SO well said... E vacillates between wanting to go to "chinese" (aka china) and then stating she doesn't want to go. today, we spent an hour on the computer, going through her china photos (at her request) and the video of when we met. and you're right, it's a dance.

    the best we can do is keep those doors open and let them make the choice to walk through and walk out as they need. and be with them no matter what.

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  22. I LOVE this post!!! Beautifully said & I couldn't agree more!

    Miss K goes back & forth with "loving everything Chinese" to completely rejecting it...that's fine...the bottom line is that we as her parents have ALL lines of communication OPEN so that she knows she is free to go back and forth.

    You read my latest post...the "insight to 13"...the conversation we had with that 13 yr. old validated so much of what we are already doing with/for Kiara. It will be a rough road at times, we know that, but here we are with open arms for her...no matter what she goes through, we will help her process it, not "force" her to think one way as, unfortunately, so many try to do.

    I read a recent post from someone who is currently in another country getting their child. They "dissed" that country...that floored me!!...your CHILD comes from that country, that is her BIRTH country, it will always be a part of who she IS...

    We cannot ignore where our children come from...that is a crucial part of their identity...we must be responsible to teach them about it so THEY can choose to embrace it or not...THEIR choice, not ours.

    GREAT post, k!!

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  23. I commented previously but watched a youtube clip by Frank Wu awhile back that I found to be insightful food for thought on this subject.

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  24. Uh huh Kris. This is an area that I worry that I will fall very short in. Why? Because the whole cultural awareness thing seems to me to be a "world" (and autism parenting is a "world"). I just don't know if I have it in me to facilitate and navigate through two such complex worlds. And, too bad for our daughter to be that this didn't *dawn* on me until recently. Hopefully, my love for both my girls will help me rise to this incredible challenge!

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  26. Amen to that! With the 4th of July so recently behind us, I did cringe at the sight of an adopted child in an "All American" or "100% American" tee. I just can't get myself to buy one of those for my daughter, because she's not. And that's not a bad thing. She's Chinese-American. She will be her own combination of both cultures. It's been hard to make the drive to her Chinese class once a month, but I must renew my efforts in the fall and make that sacrifice for her, as you said. thanks for the thoughtful post!

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  27. We'll keep you in prayers that you will be given the strength and perseverance to accomplish what you set out to do.

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