Thursday, September 8, 2011

through a pinhole

ransom june 30 2011
(pentax k1000, fuji neopan 400)

yesterday i dreamed of my mother, in her bedroom, resting. and there i lay myself beside her listening to her in sleep and this thought came over me, crushing my heart into a constellation of grief- "these are the sounds that used to comfort me". i rose then, knowing it was time for me to go, turned a fan on for her, and she stirred, turned toward me and asked: "are you going to leave the fan on?" and i replied i was, and took my leave of her, exiting through a side door into a long dark hallway that ended in its own light- a passageway into the world from which i came. it was then i noticed Ransom at my feet, looking up at me. he had been on that bed with her all along. i urged him to follow, to come with me, but he would not budge, his posture filled with love and compassion and his usual bulldog reserve as if to say- how i wish i could, but i belong on the other side of that door, there with your mom. you understand.

it was then that i woke from sleep.

sorrow dripping into my heart, through a pinhole...


  1. Miss those two so bad it physically aches. Glad they're keeping each other company.

  2. wow, that is quite the moving dream. I am so sure it must comfort you in some way.

    I think of you so often and wonder how you are.

    I think I have told you so often how I love your writing.


  3. What an incredibly vivid dream. I hope, despite your grief, it can bring you some comfort.

  4. Emotionally excruciating, draining. I've had dreams where I saw my Gm and it's like going through an emotional torture chamber.

    Some times in these dreams you feel the sensation of something slipping away from you. And no matter how hard you squeeze to prevent them from escaping, you can't get enough traction.

    Needless to say--and this is awkward for a man to admit--I remember I was bawling (in my sleep) and felt completely drained after I woke up. The "dream residue"--which is to say the emotional aftermath--lasted for a few days after that. Perhaps these dreams are the wounds from their departure that never heal.

  5. Oh how I wish I had words for the sadness, the loss, the comfort, and all of the things this dream held for your dear heart. I am sorry for the losses you have felt but I know that when they were here, you Mom and Ransom knew the best of you and that is beautiful.