Saturday, July 23, 2011

at the heart of everything

ransom, <span class=

with <span class=
(pentax k1000, ilford 400, film)

it occurred to me yesterday, standing in front of a cathedral that i happen to love for its incredible architecture and interior beauty, waiting for a trolley to take us around perhaps my favorite city in this entire state (something i've never done, as i've lived here too long to be a tourist), that i completely neglect this website. that sometimes i even miss the other one: tell her this. and this realization hit me on my drive home as i was musing about that moment in time, standing in that spot, when a stranger said my name and tapped my shoulder and said something like "you don't know me but i know you from your blog and i just wanted to say hello and how sorry I am about Ransom..." and that "your daughter is so beautiful" and that "you write so beautifully" or something along those lines. I was flabbergasted and dumbstruck and speechless and probably looked like the complete dork that I really am... hopefully Ms. P and her handsome sons walked away thinking: she's merely human like the rest of us. And kinda dorky.

seriously though, talk about a deeply humbling experience.

But then I thought: it's true. (no, not that i'm really a dork)- this space has lost its luster. I have dedicated my energy and my drive entirely to my other site and picking up one film camera or another. Words have fallen by the wayside. Just this weekend I was thinking about the funny way E says something and thought "I've got to write that down so I can remember that when she's older" because it always makes me giggle. And I didn't right it down and darn if I can't remember it now.

my point is, life passes by us too quickly. and then one moment stops us in time to remind us, this is something good. don't let go of it yet. so everyone is buried neck deep on FB (never have been a fan) and tweeting their lives away. not my style. i am a lover of the written word and the beauty of the world around me: and by beauty, i'm not talking about its sunshine and roses, though yes, i like my sunshine and roses too. but the beauty of our everyday humanity too. what my camera sees in the mundane and the broken as well, not just the joy and the happiness. pictured above is Ransom on his last day, just before he came over to me on the couch and climbed up with me, leaned his whole body into me, breathing so heavy and trying to find rest. what i see is his tired body filled with cancer, 2 hours before he died- his belly swollen with fluid from a liver that was now grossly enlarged from tumors. but in it too is still my buddy, my boy, who in spite of his cancer, was a potato sack of love. nothing but love.

this week G's dad visited from Texas. E kept saying: "I wish you could stay everyday". this is my girls heart. don't we all feel this way about certain people (or companions) in our own life? i look back on that last day with Ransom and i wonder how i didn't say these same words to him: I wish you could stay everyday.

but what i know is this. his love did. and my love FOR him did. and that love is a continuum that is meant to be shared over and over again, not to be contained or boxed or buried or burned. my heart will never truly "mend" from the loss. but my love will, as it is with everything, grow and be carried forward...

lighting the way for new life, new family members :) Boob would want that, i know. i have felt him each night with me, as i cry myself to sleep. licking away those tears, asking me to smile, to be happy because he is... because he is never far from me.

today brings with it such promise. i feel it in my heart.

thank you Ms. P for saying hello to us yesterday. it opened my heart again. maybe i will find my way back to this place that has felt so distant to me lately.

and i am certain my heart will be opened in other ways too. we will see what this day brings.


  1. How cool was that? We never know when our stoppping & acknowledging another will have a profound effect. I have had that happen to me....sort of like angels on Earth, they appear & the moment is often over so quickly, but you know something surreal just happened.
    We've missed you guys. Hoping we will see you before school starts! Can not believe we have gone this long without a visit!!!!!!

  2. I'm so sorry about your huge loss. Those that don't have the love of a faithful canine companion can never truly understand how devastating it is to say goodbye, especially that final goodbye. My heart aches for you today and in the days to come, as you will imagine his presence but feel his absence so deeply. When we lost our beloved Border Collie, just 2 weeks before his 15th birthday, my heart broke clean in two. Never mind that I had a house full of 7 kids and a husband, but the absence of one 45 pound dog was somehow more noticeable than all of the chaos of our busy daily lives. Seven months later, there is still an eerie silence that greets me instead of my beloved Rudy when I walk in the door or pull in the driveway. I don't wish to be a downer, because it does get easier, but it will never be the same without Ransom. Different or new, possibly, but never the same.

    RIP sweet Ransom, your family loved you so much!

  3. Wow, that was definitely that...I agree with Debby, above, absolutely angels on Earth.

    Miss you here too, K! Your words are such an inspiration to me, always have that you see the beauty in ALL of life.

    That is one great photo of G & E, by the way!

  4. That is amazing K, those moments in life that make you take a second look, pause for a second thought.
    Looking forward to more wonderful writings from you!
    Krista D

  5. I, for one, am so glad you are going to return to blogging. I have truly missed your eloquent words. I miss so many people that used to blog that have now moved on to FB. There aren't that many of us left that blog. I still love putting my words down for Briana to read one day.

  6. This is a first for me - commenting on a blog. But I wanted you to know from me (Ms P, herself) that I was unsure about talking to you that day, on that corner, in that lovely city, for fear that you'd think I was a dork (and maybe even a stalker - ha!). But I'm oh-so-glad I did work up the courage to approach you. Extremely happy that I met you, your husband, your father in law, and your daugter - she is an absolute doll by the way! Please continue writing - it speaks volumes to me, as I'm sure it does to others :)

  7. I'm so glad too that you are going to continue to write. Your words alwasy speak volumes to me. I think we all understand the rough time you've been going through and know that we all will still be here reading when you feel the pull to put things down in words.