Sunday, May 1, 2011

what is found there

(yashica mat-124, film)

absentmindedly, as you drifted off to sleep snoring beside me, my hand found you as i opened my book to read. i stroked your back and found my hand on your leg, gently rubbing the soft tufts of fur above your knee- and there it was, something new, a nodule, a protrusion. my breath held for a second or more as i sat up and properly palpated the area, confirming an enlarged lymph node. and a twin on the other leg. it was one thing to hear the cancer had spread to your liver and spleen, to places i cannot see and have yet to really witness any symptoms that prove that truth. it is an entirely different matter to grasp in my fingertips new tumors in new places, so far from your original sites beneath your jaw line, here at the back end of you. why here? why not under your front legs? why not your front toes for god's sake? have the cells traveled so far as to be everywhere now? if they are here, this far from your neck, where else are they?

i hate these cells. the anger setting in.

then the tears fall again.

i know all of you are tired of this. i am too. i am certain he is. it hangs over our days.

but he eats ice cream and biscuits and more than half his food & begs at the dinner table. he licks our faces and our feet and is content and happy, for the most part- so not much has changed, yet.

except everything. except this.


  1. "The purity of a person's heart can be quickly measured by how they regard animals" ~ Anonymous

    And you're up there, sugar.

    I feel your pain. I really do.

  2. If the pain is only yours, hang on dear one...

  3. So sorry. It's okay to blog about it... I remember going through this with my cat, blogging away. If it helps, expressing your pain and love this way, don't stop!

  4. Rough roads. Thinking of you.

  5. It's so hard and sad. We're here for you. We've been there, you express what we've all felt at one time. Total support.

  6. Yep, when Mika (dog who would steal any food, including cereal when the owner was sitting in right in front of it) would not eat baloney, I knew it was too late. Glad he is still eating.

  7. K- my heart goes out to you. We lost one sweet boy a year ago and now my other 4 legged baby is 13 with many health issues. One day at a time kiddo. Enjoy that sweet face, he has one special family and he knows it.

  8. Everytime you begin a post about your buddy, my heart skips a little. I always want to see that he is eating biscuits and licking your face. I know the time will come when the post is different. My heart is with you always....

  9. my heart goes out to you and your beautiful boy.


  10. You've been in my thoughts these last few weeks. I know where your pain right now and that what your doing for you boy is all he needs right, hugs, kisses, ice cream and you. Hugs K!