my Jie Jie

some of you might remember this recent post, and the first time i documented a very poignant dialogue between E and me. and while i had hopes of coming home to post about our fabulous weekend at my sisters and an outrageous anime convention (where, i'll be damned i actually felt like i sort of "fit in" or maybe would have if i'd known about anime as a teen?)- it seems after unpacking, and going through our nightly routine, this was a bit more relevant, and before i'd lost what i felt in the moment, i had to get it down in words. though, i guess, like most things that move me in unexpected ways, words often fail.

we have a very structured though not inflexible liturgy to our nightly routine. usually bath, dinner, some quiet playtime, brush teeth, story. if it's saturday, it's "big bed day"- her favorite day of the week. she gets to spend 10 or 15 minutes snuggled up to mama and baba before, sleepily, she's transferred back to her toddler bed that is within a foot of our own. yes, she still sleeps in our room and my guess is it will be a few more months before she's ready to venture to the "big girl room" (and bed).

what started the night of that first conversation about china (in that first post) is a new ritual: she asks to see her "china pictures" regularly. and how much i welcome that request. i don't stay with her each time as she usually prefers to study them alone before laying down to sleep. i am, in E fashion, instructed to return and check on her in "4 minutes. not 8, 8 too long" (these numbers her favorites that correspond, respectively, with her age and the time mom gets home from work). some nights this new custom leads to a flood of tears (with lots of holding time), though surprisingly- those tears are often unrelated to the prior examination of photos. in the last few days, she has seemed almost uplifted by the process and falls asleep quickly and easily afterward.

tonight? well, tonight was special. she asked if she could hang some photos of "my Jie Jie" on the wall right next to her bed. (this is her most cherished ayi, and though it wouldn't have been customary to call her "big sister", she insists this was her name). this is also the ayi that she considers her "china mama" (will she be lucky to have 3? or will it be the hardest truth of her life?).

since i didn't have any available frames, tape sufficed and my girl is sleeping very soundly with her favorite nanny watching over her. (i should add, she asks for Jie Jie to come live with us as routinely as she asks to see her photos)...

if only i could make every.single.wish of hers come true. for now, these pictures and our talks will have to do...