tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36554660359417829142024-03-12T17:13:25.543-07:00more than this“Love is our true destiny. We do not find the meaning of life by ourselves alone - we find it with another.”
~Thomas Merton~kitchuhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03907460384010952009noreply@blogger.comBlogger220125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3655466035941782914.post-49850560971980856172016-07-30T09:32:00.001-07:002016-07-30T09:32:28.783-07:00<div style="text-align: center;">
Help Bring Teller Home!</div>
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If you are able, please consider donating. We are working in connection with Adopt Together and every donation, no matter how small, will make a difference! As soon as the first donation is made, Adopt Together will review our profile for a possible grant as well. ALL money donated through Adopt Together for our adoption will go directly to my agency, not to me. Thank you so much for considering it and for those that, like me, live paycheck to paycheck, feel free to share on facebook, twitter, or your own blog.</div>
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Thank you from our hearts!</div>
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<a href="http://www.adopttogether.org/bringtellerhome" target="_blank">BRING TELLER HOME!</a></div>
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kitchuhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03907460384010952009noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3655466035941782914.post-956999029332043112016-06-25T07:16:00.002-07:002016-06-25T07:19:22.159-07:00<div style="text-align: center;">
<a data-flickr-embed="true" href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/12249109@N03/27897202005/in/dateposted-public/" title="BIG SIS!"><img alt="BIG SIS!" height="640" src="https://c6.staticflickr.com/8/7291/27897202005_01028d3e38_z.jpg" width="480" /></a><script async="" charset="utf-8" src="//embedr.flickr.com/assets/client-code.js"></script> </div>
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So, it's been a lifetime since posting here- and we have NEWS TO SHARE!
Both Randy and I have shed tears over the last 24 hours since receiving our pre-approval to adopt Teller. YES! Ellis is going to have a little brother!!!
The costs to adopt have skyrocketed since I brought her home, so yes, we are having a fundraiser. WITH an AWESOME <span style="color: #cc0000;">raffle!</span>! Just keep in mind that this will be ongoing for several months as we prepare all the paperwork to bring this sweet boy home. There are very large fees throughout the process ($3700 for this month, which includes the first agency fee and the home study cost).
Every single donation, no matter how small, gets you ONE entry to win an iPad mini. Every $25 dollar donation buys you TWO entries. Then, we've decided to draw 2 more names for the runner up prize: a Kindle Fire for each :) GoFundMe doesn't allow for raffles, so you won't see that mentioned in the link below.
China has given us until December 20th to get our paperwork to them. So, our goal is to raise as much as we can by then and announce the winners on December 12, my birthday!
Thank you again, every last one of you! Link below if you are able to donate, or just share the page!</div>
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<span style="color: lime;"><span style="color: lime;"><a href="https://www.gofundme.com/bringtellerhome" target="_blank">Bring Teller Home!</a></span></span></div>
kitchuhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03907460384010952009noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3655466035941782914.post-1580550087252680542015-09-03T12:15:00.002-07:002015-09-03T12:15:24.839-07:00<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a data-flickr-embed="true" href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/12249109@N03/21092780896/in/dateposted-public/" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" title="Happy Birthday, Randy :)"><img alt="Happy Birthday, Randy :)" height="518" src="https://farm1.staticflickr.com/745/21092780896_79518b1eee_z.jpg" width="518" /> </a></div>
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I fell in love the way you fall asleep: slowly, and then all at once</div>
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~John Green~ </div>
<script async="" charset="utf-8" src="//embedr.flickr.com/assets/client-code.js"></script>kitchuhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03907460384010952009noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3655466035941782914.post-61886553283022723482015-04-20T08:19:00.001-07:002015-04-20T08:19:21.788-07:00<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-s-e33PrInhg/VTUVmN-kPoI/AAAAAAAAF5Y/WH7zu4j0SJ8/s1600/3xellis.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-s-e33PrInhg/VTUVmN-kPoI/AAAAAAAAF5Y/WH7zu4j0SJ8/s1600/3xellis.jpeg" height="285" width="320" /></a></div>
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In just 2 months, third grade will be finished and we will find ourselves making our way to Ohio again for yet another surgery. 2015 has been a mixed bag for sure. So many challenges, but many things to smile about too. She's braver than the bravest, and constantly reminds me of the power of living in the moment. <br />
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Mom is exhausted most days but not unhappy. Life is harder now than it's been previously but we will come out on the other side. I fight with insurance and wish this state had better aide for those who are disabled. It's disgusting how much I pay out of pocket for my child to do what every one of us takes for granted. But we muster on.<br />
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Ellis excels and loves "multimication" (she still says it this way, and I'm trying to hold on to her being little, so I never correct it). We pull teeth to get her nose in a book though. So unlike her mother who never puts one down.<br />
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In Ohio this past December we met Aron, the son of Joyce from New Hope Foster Home. Incredible, really. He was the person who took care of casting Ellis's leg in China for 2 months. What are the chances we'd meet in Ohio, and he would be a resident and assist in Ellis's surgery?? Such a small, strange, and magnificent world sometimes. Ellis became fast friends with his daughters and tells me everyday she wants to move to Ohio :) She saw her first snow as well and nearly cried saying goodbye to it. <br />
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kitchuhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03907460384010952009noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3655466035941782914.post-51129378460774016432014-11-02T07:21:00.001-08:002014-11-02T07:22:26.727-08:00so it's come down to this<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I know I never post here anymore, and that is in large part due to being a single, full time working mom (to one very amazing girl). We are heading to Ohio for a major life changing surgery in 5 weeks and frankly the costs are simply overwhelming. I have had a garage sale, and am in the process of selling some worthy items in my home, and working some overtime this month to help offset the cost of travel/stay for a full month in Ohio. I also will not have enough paid time off from work to cover her entire 8 week recovery period. Please take a look at this site, and consider donating if you are able. We appreciate every cent, and all of your positive thoughts and prayers!<br />
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<a href="http://www.gofundme.com/ellismedicalfund" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Ellis's Ohio Trip Medical Fund</a></div>
kitchuhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03907460384010952009noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3655466035941782914.post-25723419179897591302014-08-16T08:13:00.001-07:002014-08-16T08:13:16.299-07:00dream a little dream<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/12249109@N03/5579597531" title="ransom by kitchuu, on Flickr"><img alt="ransom" class="aligncenter" height="640" src="https://farm6.staticflickr.com/5181/5579597531_046b55de88_z.jpg" width="427" /></a>
<a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/12249109@N03/2104129922" title="the boob at kar's by kitchuu, on Flickr"><img alt="the boob at kar's" class="aligncenter" height="640" src="https://farm3.staticflickr.com/2158/2104129922_24d1cf37a2_z.jpg?zz=1" width="427" /></a>
<a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/12249109@N03/5650476446" title="me and my boy 2 by kitchuu, on Flickr"><img alt="me and my boy 2" class="aligncenter" height="640" src="https://farm6.staticflickr.com/5185/5650476446_d34b86be95_z.jpg" width="480" /></a>
<a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/12249109@N03/5649911509" title="me and my boy by kitchuu, on Flickr"><img alt="me and my boy" class="aligncenter" height="640" src="https://farm6.staticflickr.com/5304/5649911509_0724cf4676_z.jpg" width="480" /></a> </div>
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Early this morning I was racked with guilt. You had gone missing, somehow- and were picked up by a city rescue team. They left a message, telling me if I did not come and claim you by 6pm, you would be put to sleep. I was frantic. Calling over and over, leaving messages begging them not to touch you, that you were mine and I needed you. You were sick, had cancer, and needed me. No one was picking up the phone to hear me ask for you and claim you. Some time later I was at work in a laboratory and my eyes were on the clock. 10 minutes and you would be gone forever and I couldn't find you. I called again, near hysterical, pleading through an answering machine- please bring my boy back to me. And then. My boss, the sounds of voices on the other side of the lab door, laughter, and words like 'Oh she will be so happy' and 'Thank you for bringing him here'. The door opening, and you you you you there (!)- there in front of me then next to me, me bending and kneeling to take you in, hold you. A reunion so sweet I couldn't catch my breath, shedding tears, relief flooding through me. "Buddy, buddy. Oh Buddy I love you I'm so sorry I lost you". You, always the one to forgive instantaneously, no thought of the past or your own fear being separated from me. Snuggling into me. Welcoming me. </div>
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God how I miss you Ransom. My heart breaks sometimes with missing you. Thank you for visiting me in my dream last night. It has been far too long since I last saw you.</div>
kitchuhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03907460384010952009noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3655466035941782914.post-62651958571789915682014-06-29T18:27:00.001-07:002014-06-29T18:28:05.836-07:00in the summertime<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/12249109@N03/14080754998" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" title="wave your hands in the air by kitchuu, on Flickr"><img alt="wave your hands in the air" height="427" src="https://farm6.staticflickr.com/5561/14080754998_9f1006e6c0_z.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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2nd grade came to a close in early June, 3 years with Mrs. S, sad good-byes, the promise of summer and late bed times. I missed the end of year play, no less. The oppressive heat has settled in like an *unwanted* warm blanket, almost suffocating. The sounds of mockingbirds singing alone at night, the cardinals perched on our bird feeder, sunsets, sleeping in, lazy days. No vacations, they aren't possible now. Surgery on the horizon, again, for my Goose. Long talks about her favorite tv show (Beyblade), the length of life, what the year 3000 will look like, China parents, and wishing for a sister or the ability to walk. Coloring together, seeing movies, giggling. A lot. Some tears too as she grieves those 3 years in her class. Anxiety mounts as the new school year inches ever closer. She's outgrowing her chair. Hair is longer by the minute but never long enough for her ;) Hiro sleeps and snores and barks and bites his leash, happily devours the rainbow loom bands that easily find their way to the floor. Play dates. New friends. Dinners next door and dinners out. G and I working on this new relationship-as friends. Single parenthood simultaneously challenging in a way that equals pure exhaustion, but somehow equally as rewarding. Weight gain year after year. No time for anything but laundry, cleaning, yard work, job, a measure of sleep... oh, and the giggling, coloring, snuggling, talking. Short visits with family. Dad survives a massive heart attack. We dream of distant lands. A trip to China. Or Texas. Anywhere outside of the state we are in... meanwhile, day trips to the ocean or a new city, museums, parks. Staycations and swimming. Incredible thunderstorms. More doctor visits than a little girl can count. Life is hard. Life is also and always so good.
<a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/12249109@N03/14349306983" title="ellis, school play by kitchuu, on Flickr"><img alt="ellis, school play" height="640" src="https://farm6.staticflickr.com/5155/14349306983_1f89bde1f9_z.jpg" width="640" /></a>
<a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/12249109@N03/14080620290" title="elle and mom by kitchuu, on Flickr"><img alt="elle and mom" height="426" src="https://farm3.staticflickr.com/2908/14080620290_c99b82ba93_z.jpg" width="640" /></a>
<a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/12249109@N03/14305975386" title="dad by kitchuu, on Flickr"><img alt="dad" height="624" src="https://farm6.staticflickr.com/5233/14305975386_da2e1981d7_z.jpg" width="624" /></a>
<a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/12249109@N03/14100967386" title="Doctor schmocter, I got this. by kitchuu, on Flickr"><img alt="Doctor schmocter, I got this." height="640" src="https://farm3.staticflickr.com/2927/14100967386_376b337430_z.jpg" width="640" /></a>
<a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/12249109@N03/13937285042" title="seagull and sky by kitchuu, on Flickr"><img alt="seagull and sky" height="427" src="https://farm3.staticflickr.com/2899/13937285042_367136ae86_z.jpg" width="640" /></a>
<a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/12249109@N03/14237798170" title="friends by kitchuu, on Flickr"><img alt="friends" height="397" src="https://farm3.staticflickr.com/2919/14237798170_01baaa2c7a_z.jpg" width="640" /></a>
<a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/12249109@N03/14352345718" title="swim party by kitchuu, on Flickr"><img alt="swim party" height="426" src="https://farm4.staticflickr.com/3892/14352345718_ff66dc5e48_z.jpg" width="640" /></a>
<a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/12249109@N03/14080586008" title="thai fried rice with pineapple by kitchuu, on Flickr"><img alt="thai fried rice with pineapple" height="593" src="https://farm4.staticflickr.com/3707/14080586008_8c3caa38bc_z.jpg" width="593" /></a>
<a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/12249109@N03/13957628924" title="my girl by kitchuu, on Flickr"><img alt="my girl" height="427" src="https://farm6.staticflickr.com/5498/13957628924_daa0f8544b_z.jpg" width="640" /></a>
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kitchuhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03907460384010952009noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3655466035941782914.post-13610314943539290142014-04-26T10:09:00.001-07:002014-04-26T10:09:48.743-07:00<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/12249109@N03/14017818821" title="ellis_Fotor by kitchuu, on Flickr"><img alt="ellis_Fotor" height="500" src="https://farm6.staticflickr.com/5302/14017818821_6325ebb08d.jpg" width="500" /></a> </div>
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“How did it get so late so soon?” </div>
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― Dr. Seuss </div>
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It's like glimpsing too far into the future, the "baby" that came to me so rapidly changing before my very eyes. It is difficult to witness time in this way, and not feel overwhelmed with a combination of grief and abundant joy, both at once.</div>
kitchuhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03907460384010952009noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3655466035941782914.post-76135288320199703682013-12-21T10:23:00.002-08:002013-12-21T10:24:17.300-08:00the ghost of christmas past<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/12249109@N03/11474274876/" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" title="christmas cookies by kitchuu, on Flickr"><img alt="christmas cookies" class="aligncenter" height="640" src="http://farm4.staticflickr.com/3751/11474274876_ddb97211ff_z.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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(pentax, film)</div>
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Wherever you are when you receive this letter<br />
I write to say we are still ourselves<br />
In the same place<br />
And hope you are the same.<br />
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The dead have died as you know<br />
And will never get better,<br />
And the children are boys and girls<br />
Of their several ages and names.<br />
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So in closing I send you our love<br />
And hope to hear from you soon.<br />
There is never a time<br />
Like the present. It lasts forever<br />
Wherever you are. As ever I remain.<br />
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(The Christmas Letter, John N. Morris)kitchuhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03907460384010952009noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3655466035941782914.post-38797452959579680302013-12-14T19:17:00.001-08:002013-12-14T19:17:30.585-08:00<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/12249109@N03/11377024083/" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" title="xmas by kitchuu, on Flickr"><img alt="xmas" height="640" src="http://farm6.staticflickr.com/5510/11377024083_015099285f_z.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/12249109@N03/11376940424/" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" title="it's christmas time by kitchuu, on Flickr"><img alt="it's christmas time" height="640" src="http://farm6.staticflickr.com/5491/11376940424_31a6b0d2af_z.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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Just after Thanksgiving, the tree was up. A family crisis of sorts pulled me away from virtual reality and deeply into reality. Meanwhile, a very dear friend battles for her sons life and I prepare my daughter for his hair loss. E and I sing Chinese songs together, over and over. I dive into one novel after another. I teach 2 new RNs how to juggle the demands of hospital nursing, and there are so many rewards in this. I listen to rain and thunder. I let the humid air sink into my bones and ask the sky for a real autumn, which has yet to show its face for more than a couple of days. I miss my mom to the point of tears. I contemplate Jupiter, writing a book, or returning to school. I browse websites hosting "orphans", wishing we could bring another daughter or a son into this small family of 3. I worry constantly, about everything: my weight, E's future, finances, outcomes that can't be predicted. E demands more math facts and floors me with her knowledge and love of a subject I never truly mastered. I imagine the crunch of snow under my feet, something I have not felt in so many years I'm almost convinced I dreamed the memory. I put on my headphones and practice my tones, anxious to be fluent in a language I barely understand. I go to a movie with a friend. I ask G if we'll marry soon and hardly wait for an answer. We are already married and the paper holds so little meaning for either of us. I celebrate my birthday (12/12), and it is very very good. I listen to music. Sometimes I dance in the kitchen. I hold my daughter's hand. I hold G's hand. I skip mass for another week and another and those weeks have turned into years. I miss God. I turn the music up loud in my car. And make silly faces with E. I snuggle with the dog, listening to his soft snores. I sit by the light of our Christmas tree, melancholy and joy abundant in my heart. I smile. kitchuhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03907460384010952009noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3655466035941782914.post-50078251572601564852013-11-03T18:06:00.001-08:002013-11-03T18:06:31.214-08:00<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/12249109@N03/10660349675/" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" title="ellis by kitchuu, on Flickr"><img alt="ellis" height="427" src="http://farm4.staticflickr.com/3819/10660349675_6a6da3be51_z.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/12249109@N03/10660411096/" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" title="ellis by kitchuu, on Flickr"><img alt="ellis" height="640" src="http://farm8.staticflickr.com/7438/10660411096_00fe71279a_z.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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The beauty of this child is outrageous. And her inner beauty is equally astonishing- our girl is made of love, snuggles, giggles and apparently, lots of math facts.</div>
kitchuhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03907460384010952009noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3655466035941782914.post-16163721288230313422013-10-17T16:05:00.003-07:002013-10-17T16:05:28.640-07:00<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/12249109@N03/10144876655/" title="from light to light: Ellis. by kitchuu, on Flickr"><img alt="from light to light: Ellis." height="612" src="http://farm4.staticflickr.com/3677/10144876655_1ab3f482a0_z.jpg" width="612" /></a>
</div>
<br />
<i>Praying</i><br />
<br />
It doesn't have to be<br />
the blue iris, it could be<br />
weeds in a vacant lot, or a few<br />
small stones; just<br />
pay attention, then patch<br />
<br />
a few words together and don't try<br />
to make them elaborate, this isn't<br />
a contest but the doorway<br />
<br />
into thanks, and a silence in which<br />
another voice may speak.<br />
<br />
<i>~Mary Oliver~</i>kitchuhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03907460384010952009noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3655466035941782914.post-25810785829525884362013-09-28T18:07:00.001-07:002013-09-28T18:07:03.570-07:00spinal defects clinic: in which we meet with E's specialists from ortho to neuro and everything in between.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/12249109@N03/9653727795/" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" title="the prairie and elle by kitchuu, on Flickr"><img alt="the prairie and elle" height="426" src="http://farm8.staticflickr.com/7414/9653727795_11fa570c24_z.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Last night in this house. </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
E: I don't like my legs. </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
M: You don't like your legs? </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
E: No. I want normal legs (tears begin). I don't want these legs. I don't like the scars Mama and they don't go straight and one is longer than the other one. I just wish I could have legs that looked the same and so I can walk. I don't like crawling. </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
M: (long silence, hugs). I wish you could have the exact legs you wanted Elle. But I have to tell you how very much I love your legs. Those scars remind me all the time of how brave and strong you are, so I love those scars. And you have strongest arms ever which give the best hugs I've ever had, so I love your arms too. </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
E: Well I don't. My hands hurt and I don't want to crawl, I want to walk. But I never will. </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
M: Maybe never. But we don't know what your future will be like yet. I hope you have a chance to stand and not sit all the time too. I wish I could sprinkle magic glitter over your legs, and make it possible for you to use them like your friends. But I still think they are the coolest legs because they belong to the coolest girl I know, who does amazing things not using her legs. Things no one else would be able to do- and that is really awesome. (More silence, hugs, and tears). </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Spinal Defects clinic is tough in ways that go so far beyond the physical.</div>
kitchuhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03907460384010952009noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3655466035941782914.post-24421027456538780092013-09-14T11:18:00.000-07:002013-09-14T11:18:15.642-07:00Family Day 2013<div style="text-align: center;">
First, when I was apart from you,
this world did not exist,
nor any other.<br />
Second, whatever I was looking for
was always you. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
~Rumi~<br />
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/12249109@N03/9740950047/" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" title="fouryearsafamily by kitchuu, on Flickr"><img alt="fouryearsafamily" height="640" src="http://farm8.staticflickr.com/7293/9740950047_ee4df1e3dc_z.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
</div>
<br />
4 years since anticipation, excitement, fear and grief culminated in the creation of our little family of three. 4 years since the seeds of love were planted in each of us, and slowly bloomed. 4 years since you, Elle: light and grace and courage in one very small, almost 4 year old body- you, the bravest of us all. Happy Family Day, 高梅, who we are privileged to name and call: daughter.
kitchuhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03907460384010952009noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3655466035941782914.post-87032313710001489872013-08-29T17:44:00.000-07:002013-08-29T17:44:02.770-07:00<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/12249109@N03/9441413642/" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" title="ellis by kitchuu, on Flickr"><img alt="ellis" height="333" src="http://farm8.staticflickr.com/7292/9441413642_6e6f29dd62.jpg" width="500" /></a></div>
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<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/12249109@N03/9441393478/" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" title="Goose by kitchuu, on Flickr"><img alt="Goose" height="333" src="http://farm6.staticflickr.com/5500/9441393478_97fc8d0460.jpg" width="500" /></a></div>
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<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/12249109@N03/9441385620/" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" title="ellis by kitchuu, on Flickr"><img alt="ellis" height="333" src="http://farm8.staticflickr.com/7363/9441385620_c63c222507.jpg" width="500" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
"Sometimes if people ask why I can't walk, I just tell them I was born this way. Other times, I say- it's a long story and I don't want to talk about it right now".</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
~E~</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
(and a very smart girl, my daughter)</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
kitchuhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03907460384010952009noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3655466035941782914.post-62434453757464909152013-08-08T08:22:00.001-07:002013-08-08T08:22:13.317-07:00*At the end of my suffering, there was a door<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/12249109@N03/9438598129/" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" title="passage by kitchuu, on Flickr"><img alt="passage" height="500" src="http://farm6.staticflickr.com/5547/9438598129_47e481883e.jpg" width="333" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />Many, many years ago, long before this light came into my life (in many ways, not just by virtue of reuniting with G or bringing E home), a dear friend and then therapist opened a battered and much loved book of poetry by Gluck and had me read this poem, The Wild Iris. As a lover of the written word, and in particular, poetry, this introduction to delving into the root of my own suffering was unparalleled. But then, there is no match for one as gifted as my (now) friend H. He broke molds, including my own, and it is because of him that I have my being, full and well, scarred and renewed.<br /><br />I think this is true for our daughter as well. There are countless doors she will and has passed through, all of them transforming her and us as we journey together. This poem is a testament to her many (and often excruciating) beginnings- from the womb into breathing life, born yet again to a nanny that was a mother to her, and born yet again to us, her adoptive parents. And each time, a departure that leaves a void incapable of being described. A primal wound, an unimaginable loss. She is, in a word, a hero in her own right. And that's nothing to do with the chair, or her physical challenges, but everything to do with her incredible spirit, her "though she be but little, she is fierce" soul.<br /><br />I hold this poem close to my heart. I hold her closer.<br /><br /><u>The Wild Iris, by Louise Gluck</u><br /><br />At the end of my suffering<br />there was a door.<br /><br />Hear me out: that which you call death<br />I remember.<br /><br />Overhead, noises, branches of the pine shifting.<br />Then nothing. The weak sun<br />flickered over the dry surface.<br /><br />It is terrible to survive<br />as consciousness<br />buried in the dark earth.<br /><br />Then it was over: that which you fear, being<br />a soul and unable<br />to speak, ending abruptly, the stiff earth<br />bending a little. And what I took to be<br />birds darting in low shrubs.<br /><br />You who do not remember<br />passage from the other world<br />I tell you I could speak again: whatever<br />returns from oblivion returns<br />to find a voice:<br /><br />from the center of my life<br />a great fountain, deep blue<br />shadows on azure seawater.kitchuhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03907460384010952009noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3655466035941782914.post-11395731966692895122013-07-29T12:27:00.002-07:002013-07-29T12:27:22.300-07:00<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/12249109@N03/9375271155/" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" title="ellis at sunset by kitchuu, on Flickr"><img alt="ellis at sunset" height="500" src="http://farm4.staticflickr.com/3752/9375271155_0f45f526dc.jpg" width="500" /></a></div>
It has been a short summer it seems, as it closes in a few weeks and school begins again: second grade. I'm not at all sure how we landed here so quickly and easily.<br />
<br />
E has been keeping up with her Chinese and practicing reading and math via her school website and has had a handful of play dates, never enough really for an only child. She's watched too much TV (insert My Little P*ny) and has barely read even one book (her least favorite activity). There are new challenges in physical therapy as she learns to navigate the world with this loss of sensation in her left leg. As she often says to me "It just feels like there is nothing there, like when I crawl, and it's like being in a hole". This weekend, she shared that "I just want to walk like other people mama" amoung other things she'd prefer to do just like us. I could only validate those feelings and let her process them. I refuse to sugar coat her life or tell her "But look at all the things you CAN do". When her grief surfaces, I've found that what is best for her is to experience it- somehow this allows her to move past it and never fear that she will be judged for what is in her heart.<br />
<br />
I worry constantly about her future. A child of color, raised by white parents in a white family, who moves in this world differently than all of us: adopted into a culture she didn't choose, wheels for legs :) She remains shy yet confidant, and is a natural leader. It borders on bossy but I know one day this trait will only stand to serve her. <br />
<br />
I continue my efforts to find all that I can about her past, which at this point is precious little. DNA testing has shown me that she is Northern Han (a majority group in China) and we have connected with 2 or 3 very distant cousins... so far, trails are cold. I have become an avid reader of news in China, corruption that is rampant in their IA program and trickles down to children with special needs (though it's not suspected in Ellis's case). I've had a birth parent analysis done by B. Stuy (very worthwhile for us) and keep in contact with her foster home, New Hope. If I have to take out a loan to get back to Beijing and Jiaozuo next year, so be it. It's just time to go.<br />
<br />
As for me- well, work has changed. I've let go of the petty political BS and have embraced my role as a "healer" (never thought of myself in quite this way). I love my patients, my co-workers, and am constantly challenged and enlightened by those who fight for their lives. Cancer sucks, but it isn't without its gifts.<br />
<br />
E is the same bright, healthy, growing girl-and a constant source of joy in all our lives. Our house is in need of major overhaul (floors, carpets, roof, broken garage door, screen door, peeling kitchen cabinets, accessibility accessibility accessibility-etc)... but we are content, and happy, and our lives are full. I couldn't ask for more.<br />
<br />kitchuhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03907460384010952009noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3655466035941782914.post-49380892255622912782013-07-11T09:00:00.001-07:002013-07-11T09:00:44.393-07:00in this summer<div style="text-align: center;">
A second spinal cord surgery, done. She is pain free, but not without new challenges. We are making the best of it and hoping for gradual and lifelong improvement.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
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<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/12249109@N03/9263621174/" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" title="pre-op by kitchuu, on Flickr"><img alt="pre-op" height="333" src="http://farm4.staticflickr.com/3687/9263621174_5f9f593840.jpg" width="500" /></a></div>
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<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/12249109@N03/9263620796/" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" title="post-op by kitchuu, on Flickr"><img alt="post-op" height="333" src="http://farm8.staticflickr.com/7444/9263620796_a1b9cfcece.jpg" width="500" /></a></div>
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<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/12249109@N03/9260842657/" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" title="me and my girl, second day post op by kitchuu, on Flickr"><img alt="me and my girl, second day post op" height="333" src="http://farm6.staticflickr.com/5450/9260842657_96524bf14d.jpg" width="500" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And now that surgery is past, we acquired a new wheelchair thanks to our friend Hayley and massive fund raising efforts (this chair allows Ellis to move over terrain she never has been able to independently before), and visited some family we miss like crazy- Aunt Kimmy and crew drove out from Texas to say hi... our girl has proven she is ALL about family. She truly adores each and every last one of them, from grandparents to aunts/uncles to cousins.</div>
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<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/12249109@N03/9238568705/" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" title="chair train (cole) by kitchuu, on Flickr"><img alt="chair train (cole)" height="333" src="http://farm8.staticflickr.com/7400/9238568705_62f84715ff.jpg" width="500" /></a></div>
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<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/12249109@N03/9238575319/" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" title="only one missing: our Tod-o by kitchuu, on Flickr"><img alt="only one missing: our Tod-o" height="333" src="http://farm4.staticflickr.com/3785/9238575319_d24159687d.jpg" width="500" /></a></div>
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<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/12249109@N03/9238569649/" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" title="cole, ellis, reed by kitchuu, on Flickr"><img alt="cole, ellis, reed" height="333" src="http://farm6.staticflickr.com/5486/9238569649_f664128979.jpg" width="500" /></a></div>
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<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/12249109@N03/9238572275/" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" title="ellis and aunt kimmy by kitchuu, on Flickr"><img alt="ellis and aunt kimmy" height="500" src="http://farm6.staticflickr.com/5471/9238572275_5471ae63d0.jpg" width="333" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And then we squeezed in a wonderful trip to a beautiful aquarium just 2 hours south of us...</div>
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<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/12249109@N03/9224772471/" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" title="bubbles and hands by kitchuu, on Flickr"><img alt="bubbles and hands" height="333" src="http://farm4.staticflickr.com/3822/9224772471_eca3ce36a7.jpg" width="500" /></a></div>
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<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/12249109@N03/9227551730/" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" title="baba and ellis by kitchuu, on Flickr"><img alt="baba and ellis" height="500" src="http://farm8.staticflickr.com/7410/9227551730_fd99991b43.jpg" width="333" /></a></div>
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<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/12249109@N03/9224777165/" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" title="ellis in the water by kitchuu, on Flickr"><img alt="ellis in the water" height="333" src="http://farm4.staticflickr.com/3726/9224777165_4597ed3e35.jpg" width="500" /></a></div>
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<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/12249109@N03/9227567080/" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" title="silhouette 2 by kitchuu, on Flickr"><img alt="silhouette 2" height="333" src="http://farm6.staticflickr.com/5456/9227567080_9cda1c278d.jpg" width="500" /></a></div>
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<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/12249109@N03/9227565496/" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" title="purple jellyfish by kitchuu, on Flickr"><img alt="purple jellyfish" height="333" src="http://farm6.staticflickr.com/5548/9227565496_b6873158c2.jpg" width="500" /></a></div>
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<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/12249109@N03/9224779971/" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" title="hello stingray by kitchuu, on Flickr"><img alt="hello stingray" height="333" src="http://farm4.staticflickr.com/3670/9224779971_825600a40b.jpg" width="500" /></a></div>
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<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/12249109@N03/9224776799/" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" title="ellis and steam by kitchuu, on Flickr"><img alt="ellis and steam" height="500" src="http://farm6.staticflickr.com/5497/9224776799_fd8ac013ef.jpg" width="333" /></a></div>
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<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/12249109@N03/9224787401/" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" title="silver fish by kitchuu, on Flickr"><img alt="silver fish" height="333" src="http://farm8.staticflickr.com/7402/9224787401_0b0ab06414.jpg" width="500" /></a></div>
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<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/12249109@N03/9224789203/" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" title="winged by kitchuu, on Flickr"><img alt="winged" height="333" src="http://farm3.staticflickr.com/2887/9224789203_1dd027b490.jpg" width="500" /></a></div>
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<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/12249109@N03/9227568624/" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" title="water play by kitchuu, on Flickr"><img alt="water play" height="333" src="http://farm6.staticflickr.com/5532/9227568624_5812477109.jpg" width="500" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Such a blast, can't wait to do this again.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Here's to the rest of the summer and memories in the making!</div>
kitchuhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03907460384010952009noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3655466035941782914.post-71999563139042797312013-05-26T09:01:00.002-07:002013-05-26T09:01:29.699-07:00<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/12249109@N03/8825705622/" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" title="ellis by kitchuu, on Flickr"><img alt="ellis" height="333" src="http://farm6.staticflickr.com/5460/8825705622_c85dd8bb2a.jpg" width="500" /></a></div>
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<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/12249109@N03/8815116821/" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" title="lantern by kitchuu, on Flickr"><img alt="lantern" height="333" src="http://farm4.staticflickr.com/3710/8815116821_a6c4be8a5d.jpg" width="500" /></a></div>
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<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/12249109@N03/8815118595/" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" title="light/leaf by kitchuu, on Flickr"><img alt="light/leaf" height="333" src="http://farm8.staticflickr.com/7455/8815118595_699c0a8bc5.jpg" width="500" /></a></div>
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<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/12249109@N03/8825712932/" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" title="lily pad, reflection by kitchuu, on Flickr"><img alt="lily pad, reflection" height="333" src="http://farm6.staticflickr.com/5332/8825712932_38c17bb49b.jpg" width="500" /></a></div>
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<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/12249109@N03/8815137721/" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" title="the bamboo forest by kitchuu, on Flickr"><img alt="the bamboo forest" height="333" src="http://farm8.staticflickr.com/7413/8815137721_828400c7c1.jpg" width="500" /></a></div>
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<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/12249109@N03/8815130725/" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" title="tea light by kitchuu, on Flickr"><img alt="tea light" height="333" src="http://farm4.staticflickr.com/3723/8815130725_ebc215f49a.jpg" width="500" /></a></div>
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<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/12249109@N03/8825715868/" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" title="red bloom by kitchuu, on Flickr"><img alt="red bloom" height="333" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8394/8825715868_5ef78cc7ec.jpg" width="500" /></a></div>
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<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/12249109@N03/8815124195/" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" title="opening by kitchuu, on Flickr"><img alt="opening" height="333" src="http://farm6.staticflickr.com/5328/8815124195_487f3b4f05.jpg" width="500" /></a></div>
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<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/12249109@N03/8825706232/" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" title="ellis by kitchuu, on Flickr"><img alt="ellis" height="333" src="http://farm6.staticflickr.com/5458/8825706232_2703d71ef9.jpg" width="500" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
sweet spring is your
time </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
is my time is our
time </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
for springtime is lovetime </div>
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and viva sweet love </div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
ee cummings
</div>
kitchuhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03907460384010952009noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3655466035941782914.post-41006380128430341622013-05-12T07:27:00.002-07:002013-05-12T07:27:34.187-07:00<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-KYOHR-v8EQw/UY-k7L1MleI/AAAAAAAAFXk/Oz6fCz4gx3w/s1600/400758_10151456108582950_214207657_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-KYOHR-v8EQw/UY-k7L1MleI/AAAAAAAAFXk/Oz6fCz4gx3w/s320/400758_10151456108582950_214207657_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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To mom: every year that passes, you are celebrated... thank you for the gifts you have given me and the way you taught me to be a better mom, and person. I miss you constantly.<br />
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To China mom: your loss and sacrifice are the reason I celebrate this day as a mother. I am so very sorry, and so very grateful. I wish you peace in your heart.<br />
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To the second mom in my life, my sister Karen: you are my rock. My confident. The place I know I can land, and my loudest and best cheerleader. I love you with my whole heart.<br />
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To all my family and friends who celebrate this day with me: you are a source of constant inspiration.. Kim, Dawn... through struggle and triumph and ups and downs, you rise above the rest. If I am half the mom you guys are... I am a very, very good mom.<br />
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To all those who have lost children, and moms- this day is bittersweet at best- my heart is with you. <br />
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Wishing you all a very Happy Mother's Day </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
:)</div>
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kitchuhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03907460384010952009noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3655466035941782914.post-16950402906295023892013-05-05T18:01:00.002-07:002013-05-05T18:01:23.267-07:00<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/12249109@N03/8710648740/" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" title="ellis by kitchuu, on Flickr"><img alt="ellis" height="333" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8121/8710648740_e6f2305114.jpg" width="500" /></a></div>
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<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/12249109@N03/8709526681/" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" title="in her hands by kitchuu, on Flickr"><img alt="in her hands" height="333" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8132/8709526681_7db3e385ed.jpg" width="500" /></a></div>
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<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/12249109@N03/8710648488/" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" title="ellis by kitchuu, on Flickr"><img alt="ellis" height="333" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8559/8710648488_1311b3f6be.jpg" width="500" /></a></div>
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<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/12249109@N03/8710649260/" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" title="leaf and dew by kitchuu, on Flickr"><img alt="leaf and dew" height="333" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8419/8710649260_5804bf45c5.jpg" width="500" /></a></div>
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<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/12249109@N03/8709527255/" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" title="my girl by kitchuu, on Flickr"><img alt="my girl" height="333" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8542/8709527255_32f49b7da1.jpg" width="500" /></a></div>
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<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/12249109@N03/8709526409/" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" title="ellis gaomei by kitchuu, on Flickr"><img alt="ellis gaomei" height="333" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8550/8709526409_359d5a620c.jpg" width="500" /></a></div>
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<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/12249109@N03/8691474556/" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" title="the dandelion and elle by kitchuu, on Flickr"><img alt="the dandelion and elle" height="333" src="http://farm8.staticflickr.com/7054/8691474556_31eae5f041.jpg" width="500" /></a></div>
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<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/12249109@N03/8690353837/" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" title="the answer is blowing in the wind by kitchuu, on Flickr"><img alt="the answer is blowing in the wind" height="333" src="http://farm8.staticflickr.com/7047/8690353837_cefd62b9d2.jpg" width="500" /></a></div>
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<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/12249109@N03/8691470672/" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" title="gone girl by kitchuu, on Flickr"><img alt="gone girl" height="333" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8399/8691470672_d1eede5b66.jpg" width="500" /></a></div>
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<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/12249109@N03/8690350467/" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" title="ellis by kitchuu, on Flickr"><img alt="ellis" height="333" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8122/8690350467_3316abb1ed.jpg" width="500" /></a></div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
every single day: celebrating the magic that is E. </div>
kitchuhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03907460384010952009noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3655466035941782914.post-27702286242308800022013-04-28T07:46:00.001-07:002013-04-28T07:46:21.305-07:00<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/12249109@N03/8623652028/" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" title="elle by kitchuu, on Flickr"><img alt="elle" height="332" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8255/8623652028_164013f026.jpg" width="500" /> </a></div>
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(pentax, film)</div>
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Just over a month and the end of the school year is upon us, and my girl leaves the first grade behind. I am often dumbfounded by the passage of time and how we move at super sonic speed from one period of our lives into the next. When I got this photo back from our local film shop, I glimpsed into E's future. There is a maturity and wisdom under her exuberance and silliness. And, well, she is just <b><i>stunning</i></b>. </div>
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I wonder about her roots, her beginnings. I imagine her parents as exceptional people who were overwhelmed by circumstance. I say exceptional because it's impossible that a child with her particular brand of kindness, happiness, brilliance and beauty could be created from anything less. These are my thoughts, not rooted in any facts. But deep down in that place where instinct resides, I believe myself. </div>
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At the beginning of this year, I decided to gather as much of her past as I could for her- joining birth parent search groups, enlisting friends to inquire about her life at that first orphanage before she was moved to her home in Beijing. Having a formal "birth parent analysis" completed (where I learned that just as I suspected, her birth date is in all likelihood accurate, not estimated). Sending in samples of her DNA to map out her ancestry and learn about traits that make her uniquely E. Someday, I hope she will be able to use these tools to help her better understand who she is - that while they will never diminish that primal loss, they will give her stronger roots to stand in the face of all she will never know.</div>
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And in the meantime, all the time, I will hold on tight to this warp speed thing called "time"- and watch her grow and mature into the amazing child and person she is and was from that first moment I laid eyes on her. </div>
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kitchuhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03907460384010952009noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3655466035941782914.post-62793597593935972192013-04-11T10:00:00.001-07:002013-04-11T10:00:06.347-07:00walk softly and carry a bent stick <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/12249109@N03/8640932142/" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" title="beginning by kitchuu, on Flickr"><img alt="beginning" height="500" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8119/8640932142_6f3269ff24.jpg" width="333" /></a></div>
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<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/12249109@N03/8639829015/" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" title="the sport by kitchuu, on Flickr"><img alt="the sport" height="500" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8243/8639829015_811783321f.jpg" width="333" /></a></div>
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<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/12249109@N03/8639828883/" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" title="rest by kitchuu, on Flickr"><img alt="rest" height="500" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8396/8639828883_88d41263b3.jpg" width="333" /></a></div>
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<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/12249109@N03/8640931924/" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" title="aim by kitchuu, on Flickr"><img alt="aim" height="333" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8123/8640931924_2e23a9ff30.jpg" width="500" /></a></div>
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<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/12249109@N03/8640932660/" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" title="practice by kitchuu, on Flickr"><img alt="practice" height="500" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8519/8640932660_1b337b6be9.jpg" width="333" /></a></div>
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<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/12249109@N03/8639828621/" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" title="practice 2 by kitchuu, on Flickr"><img alt="practice 2" height="500" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8379/8639828621_dd23b4bc06.jpg" width="500" /></a></div>
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<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/12249109@N03/8639828037/" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" title="fire by kitchuu, on Flickr"><img alt="fire" height="500" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8390/8639828037_206c91b6f0.jpg" width="500" /></a></div>
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<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/12249109@N03/8639829169/" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" title="wooosh by kitchuu, on Flickr"><img alt="wooosh" height="333" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8126/8639829169_370b42c612.jpg" width="500" /></a></div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
...and may the odds be ever in (her) favor! </div>
kitchuhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03907460384010952009noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3655466035941782914.post-56008043187511425152013-04-04T17:32:00.000-07:002013-04-04T17:32:03.340-07:00<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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because she's cute.</div>
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<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/12249109@N03/8594770339/" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" title="Lollipop on a cold spring day. by kitchuu, on Flickr"><img alt="Lollipop on a cold spring day." height="500" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8243/8594770339_2ceffa1fc1.jpg" width="500" /></a></div>
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because then she's just... stunning.</div>
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<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/12249109@N03/8596924396/" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" title="Ellis by kitchuu, on Flickr"><img alt="Ellis" height="500" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8089/8596924396_9796e63763.jpg" width="500" /></a></div>
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because glimpsing the past is bittersweet. </div>
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<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/12249109@N03/7739970522/" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" title="-10 by kitchuu, on Flickr"><img alt="-10" height="500" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8423/7739970522_64371a42fb.jpg" width="500" /></a></div>
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and imagining the future is... well, amazing. </div>
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<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/12249109@N03/8175192637/" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" title="ellis by kitchuu, on Flickr"><img alt="ellis" height="500" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8487/8175192637_c40893d10f.jpg" width="500" /></a></div>
kitchuhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03907460384010952009noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3655466035941782914.post-43368766745661391802013-03-21T09:23:00.000-07:002013-03-21T09:23:14.262-07:00say what? you WROTE a post? why yes, yes I did.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/12249109@N03/8567542060/" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" title="elle by kitchuu, on Flickr"><img alt="elle" height="333" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8100/8567542060_42f91e9b35.jpg" width="500" /></a></div>
<br />
I have let my writing fall off the map. I find it impossible most of the time to gather up the moments of any day and somehow transcribe them into letters and phrases.<br />
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I failed to mark that day when it dawned on my girl (we've spoken of it numerous times since our first week together, but it sunk in about a month ago) that she has a mom and a dad in China, a mom that is not her precious ayi "Jie Jie", but one that gave birth to her and left her. There were weeks where each night ended in tears as she fought to process this truth. No amount of holding her or loving her will ever replace or diminish this loss, but I hope it gives her the strength to face the grief and ultimately, to be a healthier and happier human for it. Grief has such amazing power: it can bury us or transform us.<br />
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She is an incredibly smart girl and I am amazed at her ability to recall events or places or people with little or no prompting from me. Her scores in school are great, but she continues to struggle with reading comprehension (tremendously) and finds reward in finishing a task first rather than taking her time and making sure she is reading test questions. But I see this at home too, and I'm not convinced it is entirely that she is rushing through the questions. I think she is (like her mom) a highly visual person, who tunes out a "story" if it is being read to her. My guess is once she has a better command of the language (it being her second, after all), the pieces will fall into place and probably much more rapidly than we would expect. <br />
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She has gained 10 pounds in less than a year- massive growth spurt. I look at this picture posted here and think: "I am looking at the future". How much she has changed. Unfortunately, growth spurt equals a high potential for spinal cord issues, and she is having the same symptoms as last year. Full brain and spinal MRI are scheduled Monday with a follow up with the neurosurgeon on Tuesday. I dread hearing the word "surgery" but I will be surprised if we are told anything different. I hate it for her because she is a natural worrier and will obsess until the day comes. Time to browse P*nterest and make a list of fun mommy and me activities :)<br />
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She loves her Chinese culture class (weekly) and has language on Friday. She will tell me constantly that she does not want to go to Friday's class, but once she is there, she is (according to her teacher) the first to raise her hand, the only child that understands the phrases/words in context, and is completely engaged. At home, she will ask repeatedly what a word is in Chinese, and so we will sit at G**gle translate and find those words. Yesterday when cleaning the house I found a dry erase board of hers where she had written her numbers in Chinese, up to 10, over and over. So it is sinking in, even if a part of her is fighting it. I just can't cave on this. She has a lot of privileges and the one thing I am insistent about is that she learn her first language (that she was speaking fluently 3 years ago)! It has been incredible learning with her and I am hungry for more and my personal goal is to be fluent as well. Or as close to fluent as is possible.<br />
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She is still the happiest person I have ever known. The easiest child even with her multiple physical challenges. She is aching to start archery and misses tennis (not sure what happened to her coach). She loves drawing and painting and will do math problems for "fun". (SO not like either of her parents!). She's an incredible dancer. She is silly and full of life. When she learns a new word, it is used at every opportunity. <br />
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She still writes me love notes, every.single.day. That makes me the luckiest mom in the world. I am keeping them in a special box, along with artwork that she made "for mama". <br />
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G and I still have not married and this September will mark 4 years since our engagement in China. I am dragging my feet, but not because of him. I just don't want to compromise and can't swallow a courthouse wedding. So, money is tight and it will happen when the time is right.<br />
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Hope everything is wonderful in your corner of the world.<br />
<br />
kitchuhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03907460384010952009noreply@blogger.com8