(pentax, film)

Just over a month and the end of the school year is upon us, and my girl leaves the first grade behind. I am often dumbfounded by the passage of time and how we move at super sonic speed from one period of our lives into the next. When I got this photo back from our local film shop, I glimpsed into E's future. There is a maturity and wisdom under her exuberance and silliness. And, well, she is just stunning.

I wonder about her roots, her beginnings. I imagine her parents as exceptional people who were overwhelmed by circumstance. I say exceptional because it's impossible that a child with her particular brand of kindness, happiness, brilliance and beauty could be created from anything less. These are my thoughts, not rooted in any facts. But deep down in that place where instinct resides, I believe myself. 

At the beginning of this year, I decided to gather as much of her past as I could for her- joining birth parent search groups, enlisting friends to inquire about her life at that first orphanage before she was moved to her home in Beijing. Having a formal "birth parent analysis" completed (where I learned that just as I suspected, her birth date is in all likelihood accurate, not estimated). Sending in samples of her DNA to map out her ancestry and learn about traits that make her uniquely E. Someday, I hope she will be able to use these tools to help her better understand who she is - that while they will never diminish that primal loss, they will give her stronger roots to stand in the face of all she will never know.

And in the meantime, all the time, I will hold on tight to this warp speed thing called "time"- and watch her grow and mature into the amazing child and person she is and was from that first moment I laid eyes on her.