last night, for the first time in (...?) so many months (has it been more than a year?) Ping (yes, she's asked to be called Mulan's undercover name) asked to sleep in our bed, and was in so much pain (this has been and on and off occurrence with her back) that she needed Motr*n and Melaton*n to ease her into sleep. i cuddled beside her until she was soundly dreaming next to me, and in the moments she twitched and murmured her way into slumber, i was flooded with the memories of our first weeks and months together, when each night, little by little, she learned to trust herself to this mysterious stranger (me) and gave into sleep easier and easier. first she needed me on the floor right next to her toddler bed (in our room for more than a year), then i was able to move to my bed, and she'd hold my finger until it dropped away, her arm limp and fatigued. eventually she was content just to have me in the room, on my bed next to her. there were saturday "big bed nights" where she squeezed between baba and i for 20 to 30 minutes until we kissed and hugged her into her own bed beside us. eventually, she was able to sleep in our room without us, and then when she turned 5 we gradually moved her into her own room.

last night as i lay beside her, i watched her drifting and was simply overwhelmed. it is rare that my love for her consumes me. but after a tough day, knowing that she strugged through her pain, cried her way into bed, and that there was little i could do to ease it, other than be present to it and to her, i found myself utterly monopolized by this love. monopolized by who she is... braver than anyone i know... more beautiful than anyone i've ever laid eyes on (inside, outside)...stronger than the strongest of them... kind, quirky, silly, loving, fierce, thoughtful, smart, easy going, determined, fun, friendly, full of life, happy happy happy...

and 6 years old, already, in this tiny 38 pound body. she was just 3 years, 8 months old and meeting us for the first time! yesterday and a lifetime ago. where did that time go? i was struck by the ticking of the clock that took her from fluent chinese to english slang and kindergarten as i blinked and turned around. from a girl who rejected her language ("I don't want to speak Chinese mama, I want to speak home") to one who loves China and tells me everyday "I want my Chinese name to be here on my arm Mama, so I don't forget. Can you write it on me?"

she daily leaves me love notes.

and gives the best hugs in the whole wide world. kisses too.

i wish i could bottle this time. stop it. hold it still. because i'll blink and she'll be blowing my mind again... . . like this.


(*no worries about her back, neurosurgery has been called and appt has been scheduled)