Sunday, November 13, 2011


in the leaves

it is killing me how many words there are here inside of me. i am bursting with all this... stuff- so much stuff i want to write about, but most of it is just us, you know? our daily day to day. like, for instance, breakfast. E looks at me this morning and says, "mama this is DELICIOUS. you should really try it". i mean, you would think it was her first time eating my scrambled eggs. she followed it with a dramatic "mmmm, mmmmm" and a belly rub. where do they come up with this? or last night, at dinner, when she leaned into me, hugging my arm between bites, and murmured in a soft voice, "i just love you so much". out of the blue proclamations of her devotion while the chopsticks are forcing an unusually large piece of sushi into my mouth. it was all i could do to keep from choking on that sucker. or tonight. after her bath, as she was sitting in my lap, and picked up the tiny cross that i (on a whim after a year shelving this piece of jewelry) decided to wear today as she makes note: "this is like a T". which opened up our first in depth conversation about God. but how did she know that this cross was linked to Christ? because i certainly have (failed?) neglected teaching her about Jesus (except maybe at Christmas). and i can count on one hand how many times we've been to mass since last November. anyway, she picks the cross up, holding it in her little hand and says, "this is for baby Jesus, he comes every December".

Me: "well, we celebrate his birth every December, that is true. but do you know about this cross? what it means?"
E: (shakes her head no)
Me: "this cross is where Jesus died. Jesus died on a cross to help the whole world"
E: "ohhhh. he died? he isn't here?"
Me: "God lives inside your heart. and many people believe that Jesus came directly from God, that he was God living in this world, with us. but yes, he died, and then he went to heaven to be with God again".
E: "why is God close to our hearts?" (pats her chest, this is a conversation we've had before).
Me: (long pause) "i think because God made us sweet pea. we are made by God, so God lives inside of us, very close to us"..... "actually, maybe this will make more sense- God is love E. and love comes from inside you, from your heart, does that make sense?"
E: (hugging me tight and closing her eyes, nodding yes)

truth is, i struggle with my faith. E coming into my our lives has shattered the foundation of what i believe in and what a blessing that is! the roots of my spirituality still have their hold, but she's dug beneath them, loosened their grip and dirtied her hands bringing the soil of her own truth. she has truly rocked my world, made me question the core of my life values from the moment she was placed in my arms. the world - my world- her world- turned on its axis in that moment. and since then, we've been navigating beautiful, foreign ground- merging and paving the paths of a new foundation. god's face is not the same as it was before the advent of this family . it has been transformed, molded, reshaped by each of us.

and G! chin to my chest, hand on my heart- i was in this and "technically" adopted E as a single. for that matter, G and i have yet to make ourselves official- longest engagement ever, right? i digress. what i was going to say is- i live every minute of my day in absolute and complete AWE of single parents. i COULD do it. i CAN do it. but i am infinitely happier that i am not doing this as a single. some might say "well... you are parenting a child with very complex medical needs..." i will give you that. yes, it's more work, it takes more time, more resources, and damn- 3 heads (cuz hers by far functions better than mom and dad's combined), 6 hands, 4 legs (when 2 are not to full capacity) are so much better than what E and i would be accomplishing just the 2 of us. and not just accomplishing. i mean, we are thriving as a family. and not because we have a lick of savings, or any retirement tucked away (god don't i WISH), but because we have an infinite BANK of balance, patience, love, happiness, and shit- we just make an incredible team the 3 of us.

in a nutshell, i'd be up a creek without G. he's my rock. i beat him up way too often so it's a good thing he's made of stone. yes, i still throw fits and yell at the universe for the frustrations that come along they are numerous and we live on the edge financially. life is not easy, but life is so freaking good. for all of my complaining, i don't have a damn thing to really complain about.

except maybe like, you know, the politics of work. and my stupid heart arrhythmia. okay and that one fool at the grocery store that gave me the evil eye when he saw me getting my purse out of the car- (i'd forgotten it when we were shopping). i was parked, naturally, in a handi-abled spot. all he saw was an abled person get her purse, and not the family i'd left behind inside the store. meh.

most everything i can dust off. get up the next day and start fresh.

if there is one thing i have learned in this family, that i believe G taught me (and once said to me)- love really is organic. it takes time to grow. roots that were once shallow tendrils have now formed a stronger hold in the compost of our hearts. and honestly, for me, though i knew when i first saw E's face that i loved her, i didn't know what that meant- to love her, until now. and i won't know what it means to love her again, until tomorrow. because everyday, just as it is with G, i learn that love, or discover it, over and over, as those roots flourish and multiply- deeper and deeper, ever more a part of me, a part of us.


  1. There are a number of things in this post that I have been waiting for you to bring up, since I felt somewhat hesitant to bring up on my own.

    The first: "it is killing me how many words there are here inside of me." This is why I think you're a good writer. Good writers ALWAYS have something to say, and the subject matter they bring up is always secondary to word selection--or to put it a different way--how they express their ideas (although this is important as well).

    With respect to E's comments, nothing she says surprises me at all. Number one, she is raised in a household where she experiences countless instances of Love, protection, and affection. Quite naturally, she is going to embrace the source of that earthly love which will undoubtedly shape the person she grows up to become. Like E, I was fortunate to have been brought up in a caring household (albeit imperfect) with people who were as loving as you and G. Perhaps this may explain why many adults (me included) long to be a child again and find protection and distance from the insecurities, inhumanity, and vulgar displays of selfishness the adult world is replete with (the politics of work and that ill-informed individual at the grocery store are also examples).

    In regard to the religious upbringing of E, personally, I don't think that's anybody's business, and anyone who attempts to cross that line should think twice. I've told you previously about my oscillating spiritual life, which more often than not can be represented by any picture from WWII depicting ruination and decay. However, there are moments of complete clarity and premonitions that what lies ahead is much better than what is left behind, and that death is nothing more than a threshold, and not some condition we're afflicted with in perpetuity.

    I have never met G [hopefully, that will change someday] but through you, I'm happy to call him a friend :0) From the pictures you've posted, I like the way he is with E and he seems to be a genuine human being, responsible father, and loving husband. I'm so happy for both of you and that long awaited day in February (with a few people watching from above)! I'm trying to plan my move to that major city that is south of you (I don't want to give any private info about you in my comments) and when I do, we MUST to do something together. As a matter of fact, next year I may go and visit my cousins and misc. relatives just to let them know where I am with the move.

    All the best,

  2. Loved this post. Thanks for sharing your heart.

  3. What beautiful words from a mother's heart.

    Heh...glad it wasn't me you saw at the grocery store. I might have given you the evil eye along with the person who took the spot for a person with a child and then proceeded to walk into the store alone. I've been known to throw and evil eye...and occasionally even comment.

  4. Wow. Great post. I find myself in a similar mind lately and am especially drawn to the parallels between God/Love/Faith - you know, I think G has hit it right on the head, only, it's ALL organic. Love. God. Faith. Fluid. Growing. Changing. Ebbs and crests.'s all exactly as it should be when it is...and isn't. OX FD

  5. Fabulous post! I'm always awed by your writing.

  6. Love this post and as always, your writing. Perhaps what I love the most is that all of the blessings that overflow in this post are ALL rooted in God. He has always been and will always be. He is the sunshine, water, and nourishment that allow, as G puts it, our organic love to grow.

    E will always top your list of blessings, K. Allow her to know and see He's light. Crossed a line? Perhaps...but I'm family. :) I love you baby sister.

  7. Kimmy... I don't think you crossed a line. I like to believe I am like St. Francis. Or at least, I strive to be. I preach the gospel by how I live, and not by words. We may not speak about God with the same words as you or Mike, but we live in a way that honors God's presence in our lives. I hope so anyway. :O)

  8. I have loved seeing you as "Mommy"...beautiful, beautiful, touching post!