Thursday, April 21, 2011

of bonds and mending hearts.

my boy
(yashica mat-124, kodak ektar 100)

i wonder each time ransom pauses outside to look toward the same cul-de-sac what exactly he sees. what his nose is sniffing after. nothing has really changed on our street in the 5 years we have lived in this little house.

except, everything.

today, i have learned your cancer has spread Buddy. that your liver and your spleen are enlarged. at work i shed tears and in the car, leaving work, i could hardly breath through them.

but i arrived home to your happy disposition, your amazing smile, and found it impossible not to grin from ear to ear in return. your eagerness in greeting me is the highlight of my day, equal only to seeing E and G. but maybe this exuberance was only realizing a biscuit was soon coming? :o) i don't think so. when i sensed a week ago your time to leave might be near, when my gut was telling me... when i hoped my gut was faulty and misguided, but deep down i knew better....

i can attribute that knowing to only one thing: this incredible, indescribable, amazing bond the 2 of us share, Mr.Man. somehow you were telling me in your own way- and i heard. that's the kind of love that is shared between us. a love that transcends the spoken word and is wholly unconditional.

now it is time for our hearts to break and mend as we start to say our good-byes. not yet, you say to me. but sooner now than later. maybe in this way your cancer is a gift, even though i am struggling not to feel angry that it came so early in your short life.

today was the hardest day of them all. 7 years to just weeks... (if we have weeks)... in a flash. i wouldn't trade a single second. every one has counted.

there is no eloquent way to wrap this post up tonight. i love you Buddy. you have my heart. let's just make the most of these days. ice cream, peanut butter, table scraps, snuggles, trips to Pet Sm*rt... the world is yours. and heaven too.

28 comments:

  1. I can feel from your writing, how much you're hurting right now. You've know the pain of losing a loved one and I'm sorry that you have to go through that again, so soon.

    My prayers are with you.
    Hugs, Jill. xx

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  2. Oh, sweetie. I am so sorry. But you are a deep one and your relationship with your Mr. Man is precious and will transcend time. I believe this. I truly do. This will not be a forever farewell. Just a brief one. Take care, friend.

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  3. You're in my heart, my thoughts, and my prayers.

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  4. I'm inclined to write to Ransom tonight.

    Ransom,
    Your Aunt K reminded me of a few things that I had forgotten tonight. And as I thought about them more and more, I realized how thankful I am for you. You see, YOU, my four-legged buddy, carried our baby sister through some of life's toughest times. We nurtured from a distance...but YOU were there ~ and in her darkest times I KNOW your squadie little dense body...lickin' everything...with the look of "hey, what about me? Aren't I worth stayin' around for?" lifted her further out of those trenches than we ever could have! Thank you, buddy, for giving all of you to her...and for touching us the way that you have and do. You will go down, as I have shared before, as the BEST EVER for her. Unforgettable and irreplacable. She's fragile again...you know the routine and have walked this road before...in only your way, let her know that when it's time....you will carry HER with you, too, and that she CAN do this.

    In the meantime...FILL THE BOWL,PEOPLE...FILL THE BOWL!

    I love you, Ransom.
    AK2

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  5. My heart breaks for you. (((Hugs)))

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  6. Sadness, but enjoy that wonderful time you still have.......

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  7. Fill up the bowl indeed 'cause you, Ransom, have caused ours to overflow. I can't begin to imagine our physical world without you in it.....love you Buddy, every square inch of that solid block. Lots of tears already.....

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  8. God needs Ransom now...lots of broken hearts and anxious souls in Heaven hankering for some licks and cuddles from Boob. He will provide.

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  9. I am so deeply sorry you are walking this road K. I wish there was something I could say or do to lessen your pain. My heart is absolutely breaking for you. Enjoy every second you have left with your boy. Know that there are so, so many of us praying for you and that handsome boy of yours. (((HUGS)))

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  10. How do we say goodbye to those who mean the most to us? We don't really. We just miss them and love them still and hope to meet again one day. We thank them for the time they spent with us and we let them rest. Ransom has known love and joy all his life and a special family bond in large part because of you and because of his most charming self, of course. Nothing makes this better. Hugs.

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  11. Kris, I'm so sorry. Somehow I found this post linked via FB. My heart is breaking for u. I can't even imagine how hard this is. If there is anything I can do at all, please call. Miss you guys. Xo

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  12. I was so hoping you were wrong last week with your instinct but I knew better because of your mommy/doggy bond. He's been your constant companion, friend, unconditional shoulder to lean on and I know how much you love him. Nothing I will say will make it go away but I get it and hope when his time comes, he is surrounded by all the love

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  13. Kris, I see it in your eyes and hear it in your voice - your love Ransom and how difficult this if for you. I am so sorry you have to go through this. I am here if you need me.

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  14. I am so very deeply sorry that his life is coming to an end. I had hoped that it wouldn't progress and he'd fight through this a little longer.

    I so understand your pain. It's still fresh in my own body having lost my beloved boy 4 months ago. I hope that you, G and E find the inner peace you need to get through this.

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  15. I'm so sorry. Much love to all of you...we need to talk soon.

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  16. I am so sorry K. I only hope you remember how much each of you have given to each other. How wonderful life has been because your two souls managed to find one another. May you find solace in knowing that he rather be with no one else but you through this difficult time as well as through all of the happy times. What more can we ask for on this earth?

    "In the night of death, hope sees a star, and listening love can hear the rustle of a wing." ~Robert Ingersoll

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  17. Shedding tears in Ohio for what's to come... my heart is with you both.

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  18. I can't even begin to tell you how sorry I am... sending you a ton of hugs...

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  19. so sorry Kris- I will be praying for you and your family and the little guy!

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  20. It is the a blessing and a curse that they can't live with us forever. I know you will cherish these last days. Thinking of you.
    - the other Kris

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  21. heartbreaking news...I am so very sorry, K...I know you will cherish every moment...sending you great big hugs...

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  22. I am so sorry. Hugs to the 4 of you.

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  23. Oh man...
    Don't even know what to say. Sending huge bonecrushing hugs...

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