you may already be aware that my girl is beautiful. cuz it's true. she is (*smiles*). we're completely biased but the world seems to agree. and she has this inner confidence that i deeply admire. the ability to look at herself in the mirror (literally) and say, "ooooh, so pretty" at herself. we could all learn to do the same, you would think. but then, i don't have her eyes, her lips, her smile... right? but i'm certain i could, if i'd work on having her outlook, her attitude, her spirit, her joy. and even though every week she wishes she could stand or walk, this outlook never changes. girl is happy, period. and even when she isn't happy, she finds her way back to it.

i will add she's also brilliant. i knew she was smart because she just seemed pretty smart to me when when she was able to memorize her books after 2 or 3 readings. i learned after her most recent IEP (individual education planning meeting) that our kid is SMART with a capital S.M.A.R.T.... and kinda knows it. we are working on that. she got a little "boss" in her, and thankfully boss isn't too big yet. but i have to admit i felt incredibly proud of her, considering the insurmountable odds this child has had to overcome in such a short time. i don't share this often at all, but she was sent to her first orphanage to a palliative care unit that is run by Hope Foster Home in order to be made comfortable. a sort of Hospice if you will. and when she was sent to Beijing in hopes of saving her life, the outcome was grave. post surgery there were complications, infections, and i have one photograph that shows a very sick little infant girl struggling for her life. and then there were problems later, with her right leg, leading to more infection and blood blisters and wounds that were so deep that her bone was exposed. she grew up surrounded by loving ayis only to be taken from them and moved back to that same orphanage a province away, where she lived for a month before 2 strangers came to take her again... from everything she has ever known. at the chinese market this past week, we picked up a package of her favorite crackers that she tells us all the time she ate in china. what precious memories we fight to hold onto.

i digress.

so, my pride stems ultimately from knowing what she has faced, what this tiny body has endured, and the kind of person that has emerged from those struggles. she can write her entire alphabet, upper and lower case, without any help- apparently that is exceptional for a 4 year old (she was doing this a few months ago). her audio-visual processing scores were "well above" average and her attention to detail was "phenomenal" (in the words of her educators). she can dress herself. this is an enormous feat for a child who can't move her right leg and can barely move the left. she can write her full name and mine, recognizes all her classmates names, hands out their folders to them, etc and her recall for dates, months, days of the week is mind blowing. i can't remember the day of the week, but she does. and she knows her routine better than i do.

and this week? when she contracted another urinary tract infection, she cried for 2.5 hours straight without stopping. as G said, it was like a breakthrough for her emotionally. she didn't even cry this long in China that i can remember. she'd have meltdowns that would last about 45m-1hr multiple times throughout the day, but nothing like this. and it happened again yesterday. for no reason. she is 100% better, had slept for 1.5 hours, ate a great lunch. so, the tears came without reason. we laid together while she cried and when she was finished i asked what was making her feel so upset, and she said, "I don't know Mama".... i don't know, Mama. i told her that's okay, that sometimes it just hurts inside and sometimes we don't know why. and she got angry at me this week, and expressed it in a healthy way! bonus! 1.5 years in this country, and trust is such a precarious, delicate, precious element in our relationship.

it's difficult to look at this child and not think: you are remarkable. exceptional. magnificent.

i don't know how it is that i am so blessed, so honored to spend this life with you, E.

we look to the days ahead. excellent news at the vet today. a brief scare in thinking his spleen was enlarged, but the ultrasound of his belly proved that his once lean(er) body had given way to a plump frame due to treats, ice scream, spaghetti, milkbones, and chips (among other things). of course, the 5 pound weight gain clued us in too :O) i swear my buddy just wants to keep living to see what new food he can try each day! i think we might start calling him Potato Sack or Spud cuz he sure resembles one. diet commenced a couple weeks ago but we'll have to cut back a bit more. and even with the recent tumor growth, the vet is not concerned and in her (music to my ears) words, said: "he looks amazing K" and sent us on our way.

two months ago we decided to stop ransom's chemotherapy to treat his lymphoma, a type of cancer that effects his lymph nodes. the treatment was no longer working. and a couple of weeks after that decision was made, as i grappled with my feelings about it, i sat down and wrote this, a tribute to my best friend, my hero, my buddy. i am certain i will never be able to top it.

i am not the kind of person that has ever successfully lived in the moment. sure, i strive for that ideal. i even read about it :O) and i believe in it. and i believe that Tibetan monks or cloistered nuns or maybe hermits (in the true sense of the word) can achieve moment to moment living. i never dreamed my dog would teach me how to do this. but ransom has taught me that time is an illusion. that what we have together is eternity. that it doesn't end. and i've truly been living that for the last 2 months. somehow, i let go of those thoughts about what would one day come. past and future has dissolved into the daily celebrating of our togetherness. and by celebrating, i'm not implying there has been fanfare and balloons. there is just the (glorious!) mundane and the (wonderful!) sameness and the absolute joy in that sameness! the pure bliss of our routines together. or taking special notice of his daily and regular habits. the way he prefers to arrange the couch pillows beneath him, the couch itself not suitable enough a bed. the way he greets me each time i come through the door. the way he waits for me at the top of the stairs. every little thing, every look and sigh and snore. and because of that, i can honestly say i've made peace with the future, and have been thankful for the time ransom and i have together.

when my hands found more tumors along his chest and neck a couple of weeks ago, and under his front legs (what would be our axillae), i would look into his eyes, holding his head in my hands, and grumpily mutter: "we don't like those tumors buddy" and that was all. what else was there to say? i didn't focus on them.

and i haven't written about these things here, because, well... i've been busy about the business of living in the moment. there hasn't been the time and i haven't had the inclination. until tonight, until just now, when i've found myself in that place again where i cannot, even for one second, imagine life without him.

we see his vet tomorrow. because his vet is a friend also and she understands i'm worried and even though he is fine, or seems fine, and is eating well, and in no way seems to be affected by this new tumor growth... well, i don't like it. and i want to hear her say it's okay or it's not okay or just that i'm doing all the right things. i don't know. i don't know what i want.

30 more unrealistic years. yes, i will take that.

that's what i want. to live into my old age with this dog. only this dog. no other. because he's my Boob. and i don't want life without him in it and tonight, well, i'm allowing myself to feel that and to be selfish. tonight the tears fall for what will come. tonight i'm not living in the moment and i'm worried for the future. i'm worried for the place on my bed where his body has slept by mine for 7 years. tonight i'm indulging in this pain of what is to come. and that's okay.

tomorrow, i will wake up differently. i will thank him as i do everyday for each day he gives me.

a new park, and only a mile away...and made just for kids like her!

wheelin'

swingin'

standin'

crawlin'

jumpin'

walkin'

smilin'

thinkin'

huggin'

i don't know what prompted Freedom Master (aka G) to search for adaptive parks on-line, but whadya know, he found one within walking distance of our humble little house. and she was pretty thrilled, though as you can see E pretty much prefers to be out of her chair and was thrilled to have all that support (including some to lean on with that left leg) in order to "stand"! that was her biggest cheekiest grin ever. i wish i could tell you she was using her legs for it but truthfully that's almost 90% upper body strength holding her up! girl is strong!

and are you diggin' that swing as much as WE are?? she thought it was the bomb.

the only downfall was the sand. uhm. sand? for people who can't walk? no no no. this is not the best option. but we'll take what we can get and we are not about to complain. at least not until we get home and are dumping it out of her socks and undies.

i honestly cannot describe to you how much i love this dog.
to the core. i have never in all of my life loved an animal this much.
to call him animal is ridiculous. he is my family, my best friend,
my boy, my buddy.

and every single solitary day i wake up and i still see this smiling face,
well, that is the best damn day ever.

i love my Boob.

and i did just type that for the world to see :)

新年快樂

happy new year.
even from the cat.
the Boob would have joined in that
wish but he's snoozin'.

health, happiness, peace...
all good things
for the coming year.

(first 2 photos Laura Coffey)

the neglected blog update, with a party no less!

she turned 5 a couple weeks ago, but the big sha-bang was today. and mom has really put the camera down lately to enjoy the activity and missed a lot of moments... like the one when she signed the special birthday chair with this name: "E**** Lotta". yep. chose Lola's (of Charlie and Lola fame) best friend to use as her last name it seems, and we're fine with that. the bday party was held at our local museum of natural history, and was a huge hit with her and all of her friends. she was especially pleased to be in this special birthday chair :)

they made their own buttons to wear.

did some coloring.

made FOSSILS. ours is in the kitchen. fossilizing.

toured some of the museum of natural history.

dug in the sand for shark teeth

and found an entire set

opened a few gifts

blew out exactly 5 candles

and i caught at least one nephew (Alex) on camera in his totally rad sunglasses...

e with cousin Colin

this was the best i could do of my brother's boys
(Alex, Ethan behind Dylan, Colin).
after cake, they never stopped moving!

E had such a blast and as we drove away, Aunt Dawn and Uncle Brad couldn't hear
her waving and yelling "I will love you!" and "Be careful!" (she is forever
the one giving instructions).

as we pulled off, she had me roll her window down so she could yell to her
granddad and her other aunt and uncle,
"I love you guys!"

my god we are so blessed.