he ain't heavy, he's my brother

(pentax k1000, kodak max 800, film)

he ain't heavy, he's my brother
his welfare is my concern
no burden is he to bear
we'll get there
all i know - he would not encumber me...

and the love doesn't weigh me down at all...

he ain't heavy, he's my brother

listen here.

racism in a conversation with a patient.

Entering a patient's room (not that this is of any significance, but she is from Holland, and not American, and maybe I state that only to show that racism is present everywhere in this world). She was half way through a blood transfusion and a visitor was saying good-bye.

Patient: "I was just talking with my friend about this blood, she was asking me if it came all the way from China! You know, if this was Chinese blood."

Me: (utterly baffled): "I'm sorry? If this was blood donated from China?"

Patient: "Yes. Well, you know, I don't want to turn into a monkey."

Me: (utterly shocked and horrified, hiding these emotions): "Are you implying in some way that Chinese people are monkeys?"

Patient: "Well you know what I mean"

Me: "No I don't know what you mean. I can tell you that your blood was donated locally and I can assure you that Chinese people are not monkeys. My daughter is Chinese."

Patient: (not missing a beat and not even remotely remorseful for her prior remarks): "Oh she is! Do you eat a lot of Chinese food?"

Me: (leaving the room): "I'm not sure what that has to do with my daughter being Chinese. I'll be back to check on you in 30 minutes, if you need anything before then, please call".

What I should have said: "No, we like to eat monkey brains".

god help me.

us, lately

(pentax k1000, film)

leisurely walks with family in the unusually dry heat of summer that settled in early this year. trips to her favorite park. neighbors stopping to say hello with smiling dogs. hugs and hand holding and dinners out, when we can. ransom and jiji finding a place on the couch together... ransom, beating all odds and still with us 8 months later.

life is not without its struggles or its (sometimes quite overwhelming) ups and downs. but when i sit back, looking at this collection of photos, there is only gratefulness inside of me for the gifts i have received in my life.

ransom of many names

(yashi, kodak ektar 100 film)

Mr. Fat Pants. Buddy. Licky Larry. Lean-To. Boober Doozer. My Boy. Stinker-Do. Mister Man. sometimes, just Mister. or Boob.

today i learned your liver is "bigger" and your abdomen has several enlarged lymph nodes, and of course, the ones in your neck are so firm like rocks only these keep growing and i know that this hardness means the cells are replicating at an astronomical rate like something i can't even fathom- i know this because this is my work this is what i do and knowledge is not always a good thing or at least in this case maybe a little ignorance would be bliss. but mostly Buddy, mostly what i heard was that you have become fat (hee!hee!)- that made me smile from ear to ear. because treats are the best and your favorite and you deserve as many as you want for as many days or dare i hope for weeks as you have left.

something tells me the more nicknames you have, these funny terms of endearment, the greater you are loved :) i think i will keep naming you Buddy, even long after you are gone.

the chairs are in!

of course, they both chose purple :o) this is A, who we met through P.T.- and this summer, they will be taking private tennis lessons together with coach Johnny who teaches at a local high school and has played some olympic level sports. E is psyched. oh yes. and mom forgot the camera (the horror, right?) so mobile uploads will have to suffice. thank god for phones, eh?

making some adjustments

checkin' the chairs out

on the court

"awww. almost!" (she'd say this every time, so cute).

off to the local sports store to pick up, you guessed it, a purple racket.

i am a mother

and my daughter had a very tough time keeping this surprise tucked behind her back this morning before Baba came down from his shower to be present for the gift giving :) i have to say, though i am always giddy about a gift certificate to my favorite photo shop (and i mean GIDDY) nothing compares to this kind of stickering and the special love that only your 5 year old can pour into one very simple, and absolutely perfect card. i am blessed blessed blessed!

(those are big hands for big hugs, btw!)

part of my weekend included a trip downtown. ransom took a short turn for the worse with some coughing and hacking, and it became persistent at night and for several, kept him (and me) up for at least a couple hours on average between 3-6 AM. he seemed so worn out and i was beginning to think i couldn't let him go on like this. he also started producing some yucky junk from his nose (still doing that) as well. we tried a cough suppressant that didn't seem to really work. and i wrote too many emails and made too many calls to our fave vet, which no doubt drove her nuts :) but it was determined, and i was reassured, that these respiratory issues were in no way causing him discomfort and that we would be able to find a way to manage the problem.

i decided, in honor of my first dog since childhood- and truly, my first dog- my buddy- the boy who has seen me through hell and back, to have a little something special placed on the pulse of my wrist, in honor of him. it was inspired by the necklace that i wear around my neck and never take off....

and the magic that cured the cough? codeine.

truthfully, i wasn't supposed to start him on it until the script is filled on monday, but it happens i have some left over of my own from last summer and i knew the dosage for him. he hasn't coughed at night in 2 days, has slept straight through, and had so much energy yesterday that he played with this tennis ball- a first in over a month! (and i promise his goofy face was not drug induced, merely a hilarious moment caught off guard)!

blessings, blessings, blessings! i am constantly amazed at his strength and resilience. i see and feel the size of his tumors and it baffles me how he keeps bouncing back. today we blessed him with holy water from Lourdes, praying over him and thanking him for his love. he teaches me everyday that death has more to do with living than dying. and this is such a good lesson!

happy mothers day... this has been the best one yet. something tells me my mom is smiling down on this weekend, on this day.

what is found there

(yashica mat-124, film)

absentmindedly, as you drifted off to sleep snoring beside me, my hand found you as i opened my book to read. i stroked your back and found my hand on your leg, gently rubbing the soft tufts of fur above your knee- and there it was, something new, a nodule, a protrusion. my breath held for a second or more as i sat up and properly palpated the area, confirming an enlarged lymph node. and a twin on the other leg. it was one thing to hear the cancer had spread to your liver and spleen, to places i cannot see and have yet to really witness any symptoms that prove that truth. it is an entirely different matter to grasp in my fingertips new tumors in new places, so far from your original sites beneath your jaw line, here at the back end of you. why here? why not under your front legs? why not your front toes for god's sake? have the cells traveled so far as to be everywhere now? if they are here, this far from your neck, where else are they?

i hate these cells. the anger setting in.

then the tears fall again.

i know all of you are tired of this. i am too. i am certain he is. it hangs over our days.

but he eats ice cream and biscuits and more than half his food & begs at the dinner table. he licks our faces and our feet and is content and happy, for the most part- so not much has changed, yet.

except everything. except this.