more than this

Hiro-san's Lessons

2012-02-09T07:50:00.001-08:00

(canon EOS rebel, kodak ektar 100 film)

Hiro-san says,

life is full of challenges and stress, but pause often and take in the world around you. it is a world full of treasures. smell it. watch it. tilt your head toward the wind & bark at it. and if you're not tasting it, you are really missing out. leaves are the stuff. give them a try. if you're not willing to eat them, take your shoes off. how often do you let your feet get dirty? get dirty! greet new people with enthusiasm. smile at them, sniff them, if you are so inclined. better yet-lick their toes! rest when you need to and never worry what others think of you. you can't help that you snore and belch and sometimes drool! (okay, wait, i can't help that). apologize when you make mistakes. forgive immediately. kiss and hug and snuggle and take lots of naps. be a best friend. invite others to play. run, jump, chase each other through the woods, engage those you love in a healthy game of tug-o-war. smile when you win. smile when you lose. cuz that's what it's about. that's the ticket! living! now! with the ones you love. right here, in this moment. so go on with it!

the painting on the wall

2012-02-04T07:16:00.000-08:00

(yashi and pentax, kodak ektar 100 film)

in the beginning... there were flowers.
in the end... there was Totoro.

what an amazing day.

新年快樂

2012-01-21T08:07:00.001-08:00

(hutong, beijing, 2009)

come Monday, the dragon will be upon us! xīn nián kuài lè!

and futures have a way of falling down in midflight*

2012-01-19T09:53:00.000-08:00

i wanted to hold your hand again. last night, after 2 long days at work, neither of which provided a single moment to reflect on the last 6 years without you, i let my guard down and melted into a heap of tears as i opened my car door and bent to greet you in the driveway with a quick kiss as i heard you say "Hi Kricky" with your smile and your squeeze. i could see the garage door open, as it always was, and allowed myself to come into our home again. i walked through that door, into the familiar warmth and light of our old house, your home, the place i could always return to... i sat on the couch with you and i listened to you speak and i heard you in the kitchen, perhaps loading the dishwasher or pouring a 7-up into your always handy plastic cup(s). then i followed you back outside, away from this place that exists only in my memory. the meeting was brief but it was enough to bring me to the knees of my grief. it is not a place i go often.

some tell me it is God's will you left this earth 6 years ago, January 17th, 2006, just after midnight on that day. do you know that your granddaughter was born on this day in China? i am not convinced it was your time to leave us. not all things are God's will. people make mistakes and we live with the regret of them. i have mine. hopefully, wherever you are now, you have grown from your own, passed into that next life into the infinite light of new wisdom. some part of me can't resolve how you are not here, not a part of my daughter's life, that you never saw me become a mother, fulfill that dream of parenting a child. this particular amazing child. some futures have a way of falling down in midflight and something tells me you weren't done flying.

i get these glimpses of you with her. i allow myself the imaginary luxury of your laughter, cascading like a soft spring rain into her life. you are down on all fours with her; you are teaching her to color inside the lines or maybe celebrating that she's so good at staying outside of them (!); you are playing with her, building blocks and mansions and dreams with her. you were so good at being "Tata". my heart breaks into this constellation of pain wishing she could know you. it isn't enough that i'm too much like you. (damn it).

i love you mom. and i hate that you are gone.

*(line from the poem "After a While" by Veronica Shoffstall)

2012-01-12T05:20:00.000-08:00

(canon EOS rebel, kodak ektar 100, film)

someone's about to turn SIX next week. someone else can't even BELIEVE IT!

bring your light

2011-12-22T09:17:00.000-08:00

have the best christmas ever. one filled with light. the kind that shines from within.

and then there was you

2011-12-17T07:15:00.001-08:00

(february 2011, holga 135, film)

my breath caught in my throat. i paused for so long, wondering how this moment was left in one of my i-photo albums, never uploaded here or anywhere else, taken 5 months before you parted from this world. such treasures buried in the thousands of pictures taken of you.

i especially love this one buddy. i wonder what had caught your attention.

conversations with Baba

2011-12-09T12:15:00.000-08:00

E: "I was just really crying yesterday"

Baba: "yea... when you were at the bus?"

E: "No, I just felt about mama. I just felt about mama in my heart... and in my life".

2011-11-28T06:47:00.000-08:00

(photos by G)

i learned this weekend something i have always known, i think since the first time i saw E's face staring back at me from a tiny photo through this very computer: my daughter has immense, immeasurable power. the kind of power that transforms hearts. the kind of power that reaches down into your soul and challenges you to be a better version of yourself, that constantly asks you to look in the mirror and question how you see yourself, the world, and the people around you. i learned that in the face of unexpected change she might worry for a moment but will quickly recover and brush off the setback, that without fail, she will see the silver lining and rarely if ever even recognizes the clouds. she is a natural and exuberant smiler. and, apparently THE LIFE OF THE PARTY. that she has to be dragged off a dance floor, literally :) sadly, i think she stole the spotlight from the bride. that comes as no surprise to me, though. the girl has got a natural charisma.

this power within her.

you might think it's the chair. initially, that grabs your eye, sure. but then you realize that's not it at all. it's HER. it's her spirit, it's the life within her. it's this magic she has and bam she is weaving it all over you. you will be spellbound and speechless and incapable of not falling in love. i am not speaking only as her mom- i see it everywhere we go.

and part of the beauty of that power is that it is rooted entirely in unconditional love. the girl is a giver, through and through. her goal is to smile and she wants you smiling with her. or giggling. you choose. she'll take either.

rooted

2011-11-13T19:55:00.000-08:00

it is killing me how many words there are here inside of me. i am bursting with all this... stuff- so much stuff i want to write about, but most of it is just us, you know? our daily day to day. like, for instance, breakfast. E looks at me this morning and says, "mama this is DELICIOUS. you should really try it". i mean, you would think it was her first time eating my scrambled eggs. she followed it with a dramatic "mmmm, mmmmm" and a belly rub. where do they come up with this? or last night, at dinner, when she leaned into me, hugging my arm between bites, and murmured in a soft voice, "i just love you so much". out of the blue proclamations of her devotion while the chopsticks are forcing an unusually large piece of sushi into my mouth. it was all i could do to keep from choking on that sucker. or tonight. after her bath, as she was sitting in my lap, and picked up the tiny cross that i (on a whim after a year shelving this piece of jewelry) decided to wear today as she makes note: "this is like a T". which opened up our first in depth conversation about God. but how did she know that this cross was linked to Christ? because i certainly have (failed?) neglected teaching her about Jesus (except maybe at Christmas). and i can count on one hand how many times we've been to mass since last November. anyway, she picks the cross up, holding it in her little hand and says, "this is for baby Jesus, he comes every December".

Me: "well, we celebrate his birth every December, that is true. but do you know about this cross? what it means?"
E: (shakes her head no)
Me: "this cross is where Jesus died. Jesus died on a cross to help the whole world"
E: "ohhhh. he died? he isn't here?"
Me: "God lives inside your heart. and many people believe that Jesus came directly from God, that he was God living in this world, with us. but yes, he died, and then he went to heaven to be with God again".
E: "why is God close to our hearts?" (pats her chest, this is a conversation we've had before).
Me: (long pause) "i think because God made us sweet pea. we are made by God, so God lives inside of us, very close to us"..... "actually, maybe this will make more sense- God is love E. and love comes from inside you, from your heart, does that make sense?"
E: (hugging me tight and closing her eyes, nodding yes)

truth is, i struggle with my faith. E coming into my our lives has shattered the foundation of what i believe in and what a blessing that is! the roots of my spirituality still have their hold, but she's dug beneath them, loosened their grip and dirtied her hands bringing the soil of her own truth. she has truly rocked my world, made me question the core of my life values from the moment she was placed in my arms. the world - my world- her world- turned on its axis in that moment. and since then, we've been navigating beautiful, foreign ground- merging and paving the paths of a new foundation. god's face is not the same as it was before the advent of this family . it has been transformed, molded, reshaped by each of us.

and G! chin to my chest, hand on my heart- i was in this and "technically" adopted E as a single. for that matter, G and i have yet to make ourselves official- longest engagement ever, right? i digress. what i was going to say is- i live every minute of my day in absolute and complete AWE of single parents. i COULD do it. i CAN do it. but i am infinitely happier that i am not doing this as a single. some might say "well... you are parenting a child with very complex medical needs..." i will give you that. yes, it's more work, it takes more time, more resources, and damn- 3 heads (cuz hers by far functions better than mom and dad's combined), 6 hands, 4 legs (when 2 are not to full capacity) are so much better than what E and i would be accomplishing just the 2 of us. and not just accomplishing. i mean, we are thriving as a family. and not because we have a lick of savings, or any retirement tucked away (god don't i WISH), but because we have an infinite BANK of balance, patience, love, happiness, and shit- we just make an incredible team the 3 of us.

in a nutshell, i'd be up a creek without G. he's my rock. i beat him up way too often so it's a good thing he's made of stone. yes, i still throw fits and yell at the universe for the frustrations that come along every.single.day. they are numerous and we live on the edge financially. life is not easy, but life is so freaking good. for all of my complaining, i don't have a damn thing to really complain about.

except maybe like, you know, the politics of work. and my stupid heart arrhythmia. okay and that one fool at the grocery store that gave me the evil eye when he saw me getting my purse out of the car- (i'd forgotten it when we were shopping). i was parked, naturally, in a handi-abled spot. all he saw was an abled person get her purse, and not the family i'd left behind inside the store. meh.

most everything i can dust off. get up the next day and start fresh.

if there is one thing i have learned in this family, that i believe G taught me (and once said to me)- love really is organic. it takes time to grow. roots that were once shallow tendrils have now formed a stronger hold in the compost of our hearts. and honestly, for me, though i knew when i first saw E's face that i loved her, i didn't know what that meant- to love her, until now. and i won't know what it means to love her again, until tomorrow. because everyday, just as it is with G, i learn that love, or discover it, over and over, as those roots flourish and multiply- deeper and deeper, ever more a part of me, a part of us.

our weekend

2011-11-07T09:55:00.000-08:00

(with her most favorite teacher ever (pre-K), Ms.S- dinner out at a local pizza dive)

(her "how to train your dragon" pose- she conquered 2 stunts she had never tried, now for another... )

I have no idea who set up this tiny little play area downtown, but it seems each activity was especially designed to work your core strength and balance. She was intimidated at first, even sitting on that last "wheel", but soon realized she is so much stronger than she realizes. Interesting that climbing up that precarious (wiggly) "slide" she conquered and did twice, but she only lasted a few seconds sitting and turning - guess she's a bit like me and doesn't enjoy getting dizzy! Hanging? Heh. No brainer. That kid has arms of steel I tell you.

Of course, the bestest part of our weekend was dinner out with Ms. S and M (ha! maybe should have reversed that), 2 of her most cherished teachers from her first elementary school. You would have thought we'd taken her to Disney for the first time- and that's what I love so much about our girl. She wouldn't blink an eye at Disney. For her, it's all about the people that mean the most to her. THAT'S what rocks her world.

that's the privacy

2011-11-03T06:28:00.000-07:00

here is the note i found waiting for me when i came downstairs after my shower... (Mondays's and Thursdays are my days to "sleep in").

"E told me this morning she had not finished her drawing from yesterday. She drew a red arm, showing me the wrist and elbow, then a green heart and 2 green circles. She patted at the circles and said, 'That's the privacy' ".

Days that start like this are THE BEST.

happy halloween!

2011-10-31T18:55:00.000-07:00

and that is what she said at every single door! what a difference a year makes... our first year (2009), she just came along for the ride... she was clueless but had fun with her cousins. 2nd year was right here in our neighborhood and she looked on in fascination without saying a word, but freely accepted the candy sitting in the wagon with Ransom. this year? we could barely keep up with her as she whizzed around in her chair, eager to get from one house to the next and exclaim: "happy halloween!" every time a door was opened to her :) such a sweetie. mom was sad she forgot to put on her pink collar and bell darn it!

was such a great night. can't wait to see what next year brings. and i have to say, the white ears and white tail were a hit!

eight

2011-10-20T11:57:00.000-07:00

today you would have turned 8. and some days, my heart aches in its deepest recesses, in places i didn't know existed, missing you. who knew a dog could be this much a part of your life, a true and best friend... a brother of your soul. i wish my hands could find your ears again and my lips that soft place on your cheek. i miss our hugs Mister Man. i thought we would celebrate this day together, funny hats and all.

i love you from where i am to who you are...
(everything to me)

damn it i am cute. don't fight it.

2011-10-16T17:00:00.000-07:00

stand in the place where you are

2011-10-10T13:56:00.000-07:00

i am certain there is nothing in the world that compares to seeing your daughter truly stand for the first time. most parents have video and photos of those first moments their child takes their first steps or toddles their way along a coffee table for support. E is almost 6 years old and i can tell you that there is nothing like the feeling of being beside her, seeing her standing for the first time. and realizing how tall she actually is, where her head comes up to me, just barely above my hip, by the way- (giving her an inch for the stander, of course)... to hold her hand with her right there next to me, no wheels to keep us at arms length. it was all i could do to keep myself from bursting into those happy sobs. not because i need her upright or want her to be any different than exactly who she is, as she is. only because it made us both exceedingly glad. only because of the possibilities it could open up for her. only because of the necessity of standing and being out of a sitting position for her heath. what this could do for her hips, her back, her heart, her joints. and for her love of the KITCHEN! :)

you should have seen her face when she got a look at herself in the full length mirror. priceless. PRICELESS. these are the best days in therapy. the very best.

us lately

2011-10-06T12:25:00.000-07:00

(pentax k1000, kodak max 400, film)

all before mom got sick, that is!
hope you all have had a great week, here's to hoping
the weekend brings some healing my way!

a chance meeting

2011-10-01T10:11:00.001-07:00

This morning we decided to go for a walk since the weather is absolutely beautiful. Not a cloud in the sky, breezy, and 80 degrees. We were just coming out of our cul-de-sac when one of our neighbors came running out of her house, waving hello and saying "Oh can you wait one minute I have something for you I've been meaning to give you for almost a year!"... I knew. I just knew. I was fighting the tears.

She came out with a small envelope. 2 photographs. I remembered she had taken pictures of us at Halloween last year, just 3.5 weeks after Ransom's official diagnosis. She had the only photograph of the four of us together. I had completely forgotten. I thanked her over and over, a blubbering idiot. She asked for my email so she could send them to me.

He was such an old soul, my boy. That is the real difference between Hiro and Ransom. I don't know why he was skittish, what happened to him that caused that, or what was in his genetic makeup to cause that- but I look at his eyes and I see it, and I remember it from our time together. His quiet reserve, his rock solid shoulders that carried me- and still do.

Today marks 3 months since we said good-bye to this hero. October 8th marks a year since he was diagnosed with cancer. What a brave little man you were Mister. I can't wait for that day we meet again.

Until then. Until then.

2011-09-25T07:34:00.000-07:00

E: "mama... I wanna marry YOU"

Me: "that is so sweet E. but we can't get married, silly goose! we
will always love each other and we will always be mama and daughter"

E: "well, I can help you get married"

Me: "I would really like if you helped me get married sweet pea.
What will I wear?"

E: "orange pants. because you like orange fanta.
and a light pink shirt. do you like light pink mama?"

Me: "i do like pink, it reminds me of MY mama.
what will you wear?"

E: "the same one, just like you mama"

Me: "will you be right next to me when I marry Baba?"

E: "that's too many people mama. i wanna marry you".

sigh. girl wants what the girl wants.

she's got a way about her

2011-09-18T16:09:00.000-07:00

(pentax k1000, kodak ektar 100)

saturday i spent my day laboring away at work... and E and baba came up for a visit. she, of course, was beside herself with giddy. as a matter of fact, 2 days prior, she had been tearful before bed because she was so upset i was working on a weekend day- a time she cherishes with both her dad and me.

not long after we said our good-byes (which included much begging and cajoling- "finish your work fast Mama!" with attempts to pull me toward the car), my cell rang and and G laughed into the phone, telling me that as E was wheeling herself through the ER parking lot and the garage, she had been yelling at the top of her lungs: "I love you Mama! I love you Mama!" over and over.

and that they had a very sweet conversation in the car:

E: "baba, i love mama SO bad i can feel it in my stomach"
Baba: "you can?"
E: "yeah, and i can feel it in my head too"

upon hearing this, i have to say, my heart turned into pure mush. i was reduced to a puddle. and if she'd asked me to take the moon from the sky for her, i am certain i would at that very moment have found a way to do it for her.

Family Day 2011: 2 years

2011-09-14T13:36:00.001-07:00

two years since we walked into a room that echoed your tears and saw your face for the first time. two years since we were humbled by your trust and bravery as you were placed into the arms of strangers. two years since we precariously began to build the foundation of our life together. two years since we gratefully, carefully, tenuously and with the greatest of tenderness, called ourselves family for the first time.

happy family day E. without you, we, this family of 3, would not be possible. we honor your China parents today, and pray that somehow, some way- they know you are happy, safe, immeasurably and wholly loved.

because you are.
down to the last dna molecule that makes up our hearts.

september 12, 2011

2011-09-12T16:18:00.000-07:00

(yashica mat-124, fuji pro 400, film)

yesterday has come and gone. i did not turn on the TV. a first for me in 10 years of remembering.

but we took the dog for a walk in the late afternoon, and i listened to the evening birds. i held my daughter's hand as she coasted in her chair beside me. we mused about cloud shapes and she hummed a mary poppins tune, wishing to fly her kite to highest height. i heard children laughing in the street and waved to a man watering his lawn, who smiled back at us. garth, with his usual wit, made me laugh too. we came home with fresh green peppers, a gift from our neighbor from her garden. tonight we chopped them and ate them with dinner, thankful for this green earth. in all these things, we remembered and honored that day by living fully within this one, and the one before it and the one to come.

this is the best we can do for those who lost their lives in that tragedy.

i pray it isn't too much to hope for- that we can really live in a world that can harbor lasting peace. and that from the horror of that day, we can create it- within us- and then watch it ripple into the world around us.

eat the tassel!

2011-09-11T06:15:00.000-07:00

congratulations Hiro. you can sit, stay, wait (kinda), and lay down for like... 5 seconds. the rest we are working on, but they still let you graduate. suckers :)

through a pinhole

2011-09-08T04:37:00.001-07:00

(pentax k1000, fuji neopan 400)

yesterday i dreamed of my mother, in her bedroom, resting. and there i lay myself beside her listening to her in sleep and this thought came over me, crushing my heart into a constellation of grief- "these are the sounds that used to comfort me". i rose then, knowing it was time for me to go, turned a fan on for her, and she stirred, turned toward me and asked: "are you going to leave the fan on?" and i replied i was, and took my leave of her, exiting through a side door into a long dark hallway that ended in its own light- a passageway into the world from which i came. it was then i noticed Ransom at my feet, looking up at me. he had been on that bed with her all along. i urged him to follow, to come with me, but he would not budge, his posture filled with love and compassion and his usual bulldog reserve as if to say- how i wish i could, but i belong on the other side of that door, there with your mom. you understand.

it was then that i woke from sleep.

sorrow dripping into my heart, through a pinhole...

2011-09-02T09:34:00.001-07:00

(pentax k1000, kodak ektar 100, ISO 400)

the words of Buddha:

~Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned~

~In a controversy the instant we feel anger we have already ceased striving for the truth, and have begun striving for ourselves~

~Thousands of candles can be lit from a single candle,
and the life of the candle will not be shortened.
Happiness never decreases by being shared~

~The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, worry about the future, or anticipate troubles
but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly~

~To understand everything is to forgive everything~

2011-08-29T16:17:00.000-07:00

(pentax k1000, kodak ektar 100, set to ISO 400)

how i am in love with this "blue hue" bamboo, no doubt a fluke of my mishap at setting my ISO too high.

we have decided, at last (!) after a 2 year engagement (that took place in China, no less) to set a date and marry beneath this plant we love so much, in a place that has become almost sacred to us, come winter. this time of year will be mild, green, beautiful, and cool, as is the case in our region. an intimate gathering of immediate family and close friends, something simple with little fuss.

i am terrible at planning such things, so the challenge begins. one that i welcome with a small measure of angst. i can't wait to say "i do".

2011-08-27T19:58:00.000-07:00

i should have known it would take less than the first week for Ellis to come out of school beaming like this. here she is on her first day at pick up, and she informed me she only cried for "10 minutes" at the start of her first day.

i am so inspired by her spirit and her bravery! she is such an amazing person- and already proving to be the natural born (boss)- ahem- leader that she is. i ran into her teacher when i was out today who informed me that she had all the kids in class in front of her during recess and was asking who was 6, 7, and 8 years old respectively and requesting each age group "raise your hand" after each inquiry. when she was finished, she informed certain members of the gathering that they "may have to leave". i was laughing so hard but quickly followed with "please nip this in the bud for me!"... Mrs. S said, "we'll trim a little but it will serve her well in life". i agree but since this is a behavior we never see at home (cuz girl knows the parents are boss i guess), i worry about her intelligence and her keen ability to manipulate like a pro!

watch out people. she has a smile that will melt hearts and a mind that will rule the world. she did tell me tonight, out of the blue, that 9+9 makes 18 after all.

firsts

2011-08-22T10:00:00.000-07:00

(pentax k1000, kodak ektar 100, film)

today i sent her off to kindergarten, backpack and lunch pail in tow, tears streaming down her face, a ball full of nerves, her hand gripping mine tightly, not wanting to let go. how i wish i had the power to show her the future, one that will arrive in days- her exuberant smile and story telling, calling on her classmates by first and last name (oh to have her memory!)- and sharing their particular habits and favorite things. the warmth of her teacher's hugs. trips to the library. numbers and letters and homework! all the things she most loves about her new (big girl) school.

but for now i sit home a first time mom worried for her fear and sadness, clock watching and wondering if she ate enough lunch and played on the jungle gym. wondering if she found her smile today and trusting in it for tomorrow :)

oh the places she'll go. like. eventually off to college! but tomorrow, we start with the BIG K!

2011-08-21T08:25:00.001-07:00

and Friday, we met her teacher. and she got into the program we were hoping for! it's called "Project Friends" and it's the multi-age program i spoke of here- so she will be in the same class from kindergarten through second grade and have homework starting in K! i am so very excited for her, and got choked up standing outside the school doors as they posted the class listings.

i had no idea i would feel anything at all and up until that moment honestly felt this day was a bit of a hassle. cuz i'm one of those moms that didn't want to spend her friday with a lot of strangers making small talk. but then, there her name was, first on that list, under Mrs. S... and damn if mom didn't shed a tear and my heart didn't grow 3 times its normal size! (AND i met some really awesome parents and moms!)

baby is off to big girl school. holy sh*t people. yes, i believe this calls for some language.

E was less excited. this was a really, really tough day for her. and tomorrow hasn't even arrived yet.

(disclaimer: i promise we aren't crazy cruel parents that snapped photo after photo of their distraught child- believe it or not, it means something to her to look at these). that 3rd photo in the cafeteria was an hour into our stay. by then, it was less about her being upset, and more about control, which we have been working on with her. our stipulation (after our initial 30-45 minutes of holding and consoling) was that she had to calm herself before we would start heading home. she pushed through her fear (and her tears, and her anger! god i love when this kid gets mad, it's just not something we see enough! she needs to express this, and i was so thankful to see her unleash a little of it!)- yes, screaming and whipping that chair away from me in the photo below. sometimes picture taking will bring a little smirk through her tears (as you see in that first photo). this time, it brought the temper- so after this pic, i put the camera down and got down on the floor with my girl. no pics again until we were outside smiling :)

and she DID leave smiling BIG. (heh. mabye because of that glowing sign that promised an exit in red, but hey, she was smiling after all, and back to her natural giggly self- and came into that pretty much on her own with only our gentle but firm guidance and support).

she's tough. she is surrounded by so much love. not just from us. countless kids came up and spoke to her or (tried) to hug her, telling her how much fun she would have in kindergarten. one little boy in her class promised to be her friend. he remembered how scared he was last year.

i give her a week, maybe 2, before she's rattling off everyone's name, raving about her teacher and no doubt attempting to direct traffic in that room.

that's my girl. she bursts through shining when the rain clears.

little Hiro

2011-08-18T04:35:00.000-07:00

(pentax k1000, kodak ektar 100, film)

only a matter of weeks, and the baby of the family has grown so much... these photos just came back a couple of days ago, i was shocked at how small he was, like yesterday it seems! he has gained 4 and 1/2 pounds in only 3 weeks. and off to the surgery theater today to lose his manhood. the indignity of it all! i haven't had the heart to even tell him. sigh.

thoughts toward heaven

2011-08-13T13:26:00.001-07:00

(yashi, fuji pro 400, film)

listening to this and thinking of my mother, who would have celebrated her 75th year this monday, August 15th. how my heart aches missing her and swirls still in unbelief at her passing. how my heart soars in the knowledge that she is present here with me, in this same heart. my eyes look toward the clouds and a place called heaven, that resides much closer to me than the skies. but somehow, i am comforted looking up.

us lately

2011-08-08T08:48:00.000-07:00

put the toy down. slowly. no sudden moves, okay? just puuuut the toy down and no one gets hurt.

trips for treats.

one happy family! all love!

crazy playtime with hiro-san and favorite (growing up so fast) little girl!

E: "get me out of here!"

ah! fingers! mine, all mine!

we call this "belly CPR"

which leads to "oooof".

and lots of laughter.

there's been some flight time.

and a little tea time.
"sure, i'd love a second cup. 2 sugars if you please".

there have been upside down giggles.

tug-o-wars

hugs

silliness

and lots of this...

life is never all smiles and fun and rolling around on the floor, soaking in the infectious joy a new puppy brings or celebrating the milestones of your beautiful and growing daughter. it is filled with countless challenges and the mundane routines, that are so easy to get bogged down in that you easily lose sight of what these photos represent: the essence of who we truly are as a family. at our core, this is our foundation. but on our individual and collective paths there are numerous and sometimes what appear to be insurmountable "bumps" in what can appear to be a seamless and smooth road. life is not meant to be this way- handed to us on a silver platter, something to be taken for granted- and we are not foolish or naive enough to believe that. yesterday i stopped dead in my tracks as i said to E, 'well we were teaching Ransom to "touch" at puppy class, remember, as a way to come to us when he is called?"... and the tears came. the knot in my throat and chest stayed with me most of the afternoon. yesterday E was told it was time she moved to her big girl room (again)- with all kinds of encouragement and support, picking out a new toy and canopy for her bed, a chart of her choice printed with smiley face stickers for each night she does sleep there and bigger rewards at the end of each week she is successful. she slept there for the first time in months, after what seemed a smooth and easy transition in January (she has been back in our room since the end of February). and though it went well, all things considered, it certainly was not easy for her. and in this space, on this site, i don't speak to her physical challenges which are private because they are hers. but they are still there, our reality. it has been 2 years and g and i have yet to have a date save one night (thank you aunt "kayen" and uncle jay) over a year ago when we drove to another city to see Ellis Paul.

and kindergarten is exactly 2 weeks away, from this day.

so many milestones as a family. so many milestones for her and her small and fragile heart. lots of stressors. lots of pressure and strain. so much light and love and happiness. we are incredibly blessed.

i'm just your average, ordinary, everyday, super Hiro- trying to save the world. nothing more than that. that's all i really am.

2011-07-28T12:04:00.001-07:00

how can i save you today?

Hiro Nakamura!

2011-07-24T08:03:00.000-07:00

able to sleep! able to piddle and poo! a lot! able to attempt climbing a tall couch! able to chew walls! furniture! toys! able to run! for 5 seconds! able to sleep! snore! snuggle! and i mean SNUGGLE! he is a super Hiro! :)

Hiro, you come after one very special and remarkable dog. that would be your uncle- our Ransom. some may say it is too soon. and honestly, i feel that is true in a lot of ways. it has been bittersweet joy bringing you home. but i know that for me it will always be "too soon" as the loss of my buddy will never completely heal. but know this, little guy, you did not come to replace him. that would be impossible, as you yourself are irreplaceable as well. you are special and wonderful too! we saw that immediately and place no expectations on you except that you be the crazy, affectionate puppy you have proven to be already :) we realize in letting Ransom go that our love for him is meant to be a continuum, it is not meant to be boxed or buried or burned... except maybe as a light in our hearts.

i know that in loving you, i will come to love Ransom all the more, in new and different ways. this has already begun. and the seeds of love for you have been planted.

welcome to your new home buster. you are a true Hiro, mask and all.

at the heart of everything

2011-07-23T06:00:00.000-07:00

(pentax k1000, ilford 400, film)

it occurred to me yesterday, standing in front of a cathedral that i happen to love for its incredible architecture and interior beauty, waiting for a trolley to take us around perhaps my favorite city in this entire state (something i've never done, as i've lived here too long to be a tourist), that i completely neglect this website. that sometimes i even miss the other one: tell her this. and this realization hit me on my drive home as i was musing about that moment in time, standing in that spot, when a stranger said my name and tapped my shoulder and said something like "you don't know me but i know you from your blog and i just wanted to say hello and how sorry I am about Ransom..." and that "your daughter is so beautiful" and that "you write so beautifully" or something along those lines. I was flabbergasted and dumbstruck and speechless and probably looked like the complete dork that I really am... hopefully Ms. P and her handsome sons walked away thinking: she's merely human like the rest of us. And kinda dorky.

seriously though, talk about a deeply humbling experience.

But then I thought: it's true. (no, not that i'm really a dork)- this space has lost its luster. I have dedicated my energy and my drive entirely to my other site and picking up one film camera or another. Words have fallen by the wayside. Just this weekend I was thinking about the funny way E says something and thought "I've got to write that down so I can remember that when she's older" because it always makes me giggle. And I didn't right it down and darn if I can't remember it now.

my point is, life passes by us too quickly. and then one moment stops us in time to remind us, this is something good. don't let go of it yet. so everyone is buried neck deep on FB (never have been a fan) and tweeting their lives away. not my style. i am a lover of the written word and the beauty of the world around me: and by beauty, i'm not talking about its sunshine and roses, though yes, i like my sunshine and roses too. but the beauty of our everyday humanity too. what my camera sees in the mundane and the broken as well, not just the joy and the happiness. pictured above is Ransom on his last day, just before he came over to me on the couch and climbed up with me, leaned his whole body into me, breathing so heavy and trying to find rest. what i see is his tired body filled with cancer, 2 hours before he died- his belly swollen with fluid from a liver that was now grossly enlarged from tumors. but in it too is still my buddy, my boy, who in spite of his cancer, was a potato sack of love. nothing but love.

this week G's dad visited from Texas. E kept saying: "I wish you could stay everyday". this is my girls heart. don't we all feel this way about certain people (or companions) in our own life? i look back on that last day with Ransom and i wonder how i didn't say these same words to him: I wish you could stay everyday.

but what i know is this. his love did. and my love FOR him did. and that love is a continuum that is meant to be shared over and over again, not to be contained or boxed or buried or burned. my heart will never truly "mend" from the loss. but my love will, as it is with everything, grow and be carried forward...

lighting the way for new life, new family members :) Boob would want that, i know. i have felt him each night with me, as i cry myself to sleep. licking away those tears, asking me to smile, to be happy because he is... because he is never far from me.

today brings with it such promise. i feel it in my heart.

thank you Ms. P for saying hello to us yesterday. it opened my heart again. maybe i will find my way back to this place that has felt so distant to me lately.

and i am certain my heart will be opened in other ways too. we will see what this day brings.

2011-07-14T06:07:00.000-07:00

(pentax k1000, kodak max 800, film)

filling our days. bowling games, new and first tattoos, dinner out, playing, wishing, working through the rough spots, listening to the rain. some days easier. some not. holding his ashes close like a treasure along with the last photo i ever took of him, the one you see above. i remember asking God for some sign that it was time, even though i already knew it was. and i suppose his decision to sit on the blanket we had prepared for him before the vet came was sign enough.

do not worry for my sadness. for in it there is a peace and an infinite joy and an even greater love, and the knowledge that he is the reason for all of it.

resurfacing

2011-07-07T05:31:00.000-07:00

(pentax k1000, fuji neopan 400, film)

on thursday you clung to me differently, not in your same manner. you came to me repeatedly, as if to give me a message. i think i knew, though my heart wanted to deny your intent. you would enter the room, ask me to join you on the floor. i would massage or scratch your back, whichever you seemed to prefer until you had enough and you'd return to your new spot in the house, your "hiding place", and i would leave you or watch you since you would turn from me if i approached you there (a new behavior). you were breathing heavier than before, but you didn't seem to be in any distress. i called J, our dear friend and trusted vet who offered to come out to the house to have a look at you. she came that evening and agreed you had changed since her last examination, 3 weeks prior. she told us that you were "uncomfortable" but that she felt confidant nothing was imminent. she said it was time though that we started to make a plan. i asked when, and she thought next week- which would have been today. i could not wrap my head around the thought of so few days left with you Buddy. she told me to call her if anything changed, or you seemed to worsen, as i had explained your nights were often worse than your days.

and then night came and rest would not find you my dearest and best friend. 2 hours up in bed between puffing and panting. i texted J who offered to come straight away to ease you from your tired body, but i told her i would try one of your pain pills first. it helped and you finally slept, but for only a handful of hours- far too few for any dog. at 5AM we were up again, you and i, and headed down for breakfast, a first for you: bacon and eggs. such a treat! you were exuberant (!) but paid the price with a good 15 minutes of panting after. eating is such hard work! we sat on the couch together in the dark silence, the cat jumping over us, startling us from our solitude. at some point i looked at you and said, "between you and me, i never much cared for that cat"...i think we sort of smiled at each other and i'll be damned if you didn't understand exactly what i'd just said. "because of you Buddy, i'm more a dog person now".

later that morning, ellis off to school, garth and i set about the privileges of doting on you and letting you have your space in your corner. you were able to lay down 2 or 3 times on the cold tile floor, but sleep would not come- soon you were up again, finding it hard to breath with your belly so swollen from the cancer and the tumors pressing on your chest. J, the vet, was set to come to the house at 4pm. A week with you had turned into one day, hours. was it selfish to want that one day?

At 1230 garth went out to find you lunch: ribs and beef, still another first. my plan was so shave the meet off the bone, knowing bones would be too hard for you to enjoy in your current condition. when he left the house, you came to me where i was resting on the couch, my eyes swollen and burning from lack of sleep and tears, and you asked to come up with me. there, you leaned your whole body into mine, rested your head on my side, and tried so hard to find rest. i stroked your head and looked at the clock and said, "soon Mister, not much longer now and your rest will come"... you lifted your head and looked at me and the panting started, your eyes half closed. my god how tired you looked just then. and i knew, in my very bones, this was your way of asking me not to make you wait any longer. this was your good-bye. so i picked up that phone and called, and they said they would come straight away. you spoke to me, you asked me to let you go, my friend. i learned later this was one of the greatest gifts i could give you.

(but not before we watched you enjoy that meal of beef and pork) :)

we set up your favorite blanket, the one you'd had since you came to me at 4 months. how tired you were Buddy. eventually cancer robs you of all your energy and strength, in one way or another. you couldn't lay down for the needle, finding it so hard to breath this way, so they used a back leg, the one you always kick out in front of you when you sit. i sat in front of you, holding your head as you settled all your weight into my hands, giving yourself to me. garth, as always, our support and our strength, behind me- his hand on my back, our energies fused, all 3 of us.

such trust there is between a dog and their person. the fear that flashed in your eyes quickly disappeared as i spoke to you and told you i loved you, over and over, and thanked you for the years you had given me. what a blessing you were you to me, to us. i thanked you for carrying me, for being my rock, for showing me the true meaning of love.

they injected the sedative first and for the first time in a month, you were breathing easily, and you gently laid your head down in my lap. i bent over you, covering my body over yours, kissing your ears, your muzzle, your eyes, your lips, my tears staining your face.

not even half of the euthanasia reached your vein before you so quietly, without any struggle, in such silence, took your last breath- there, with me holding you.

such pain & such healing, both- such grief & such gifts, both... all contained in this day.

from her heart

2011-07-05T18:31:00.000-07:00

saturday morning, after we let Ransom go...

E: "Mama, you can sleep with my dog and you can hug him and put him under the covers because you miss Ransom"

Me: "Come here sweet pea" (scooping her up in my arms, shedding fresh tears) "That is so sweet. I would love to sleep with your little Ransom"

E: "Yeah because that will make you feel better"

The next day, when we were at the museum she looks up at me.

E: "Mama, my lips are red for KISSING" (big annunciation on this word, as it is very important in her vocabulary apparently)

Me: "Oh? They are? Well, just who are you going to kiss?"

E: "You Mama. They are red like Ariel. For kissing".

I must say that though grief and sadness have settled in my heart, she has her way of lifting my spirit so easily and in ways that often leave me in stitches.

2011-07-01T12:24:00.000-07:00

Ransom
October 20, 2003- July 1, 2011

my heart, buddy, was torn from my chest today as you laid your head
in my lap and took your last breaths- it was wrapped in your blanket beside you,
placed in the van and carried off to be cremated with you.

i know it will rise from the ashes. but right now, mister, let it burn alongside you.

**the sun came up with its conclusions

2011-06-30T16:21:00.000-07:00

he is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. you are his life, his love, his leader.
he will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart.
you owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion.
~unknown~

yes. he who has been my best friend, my boy, my companion, my confidante, and my rock. to honor him and let him go with dignity and without suffering is the last and best gift i can give him, even though it comes at the cost of my own heart that is being torn from my chest. it is worth this- all of this, to have had every single day with him these last seven and a half years. even if i am not ready (i can't do this, i hear the words escape from my lips sobbing into G's chest tonight)- i can't do this!- but i can do this, for him. i put on my armor, and i will pocket my tears for the next seven days as we look to our last week together- me and my boy. his body tired and working too hard now to breath against those tumors in his chest.

what a blessing he is- my GOD what a blessing he is. soon i will wake up to his memory and thousands of photographs and he won't snore beside me and he won't lick my face any longer or greet me (............no..........) at the door. he won't greet me at the door, as he has every single night i've come home from work.

this is enough for now. look at that face! oh i wish you had met him, every one of you reading this page! and those kissable lips and that huggable body. why am i sitting here, typing into this void that will never be filled? he's in the other room, waiting for me. it's our time now. now! yes. yes yes yes. damn it.

**7/1/2011: a rough night... too rough and it took more than a couple hours for Ransom to be able to fall asleep. so, today we will say good-bye.

thank you for being here and for your kind words of encouragement and support. it is impossible to put into words the magnitude of what lies before us- but it is time for rest, for him- and to spend these last hours in his presence.

plus, he's asked for bacon and eggs for breakfast. it's only 5:45 AM, but he didn't get a lot of sleep and he's feeling for a smackerel of something good to eat. that's my buddy. that's my boy.

weekends always end too fast

2011-06-27T12:07:00.000-07:00

(pentax k1000, fuji superia 800, film)

japanese toys in antique shops, a first visit to the library (gasp!), and barking for table food. all good things. yes, those are tumors in his neck- and yes, they are huge, but not as huge as the love that is keeping him healthy and strong, in spite of those suckers. :)

transitions

2011-06-18T07:02:00.000-07:00

I decided to send E to VPK this summer, it's a 7 hour class and there is no nap, so she basically went from napping every single day for an hour (which she TOTALLY needs) to no nap cold turkey without any transition, other than one weekend just before VPK. In kindergarten, there isn't any nap so truthfully we need to get her off them anyway. She was moved to a new room at her after school facility to be in this class with an ESE trained teacher who is the polar opposite of the teacher she had at her elementary school (also an ESE teacher) Ms Shannon who is vibrant, empathetic, full of energy, and a take no bullsh*t you will do as you are told (my kind of woman) teacher. This teacher, Ms. Lee is VERY soft spoken, willowy, "guides" without being firm, and my impression sort of lets the kids take charge a bit. I have heard she is an excellent teacher though and she came highly recommended, plus I wasn't about to move Ellis out of her facility- it was enough she had to move classrooms and as you all might have figured out by now, she doesn't cope easily with a change in her nap time much less this kind of big change.

Anyway, at orientation I let the teacher know she has a huge personality, is one of the happiest children I have ever known, but that she probably won't see that for a bit because she will shut down in a new environment and to just give her time- she will probably cry the first few days but will come around quickly. She is stranger shy (extremely) but once she knows you, she is your friend for life sort of thing. I guess she took this to mean she doesn't transition well period, and has allowed E to (in her OWN TIME) move from one activity in the classroom to another at her "own pace" and not with the class- OH HELL NO. You give my kid an inch she will take 10 miles. NOT GOOD.

I was picking her up Thursday and she looked haggard. Now granted the kid can barely stay awake through dinner all week because of the lack of sleep that she is used to during the day. We have to fight to keep her awake until her head hits the pillow at 7-7:30 at which time she is OUT. So, I knew she was tired, obviously. Lee tells me she was crying in the afternoon, I tell her she does this when she is exhausted or hungry (or sick), and Lee mentions they took her to the front office to check her temp because she felt hot (she always feels hot, that's E- and she especially feels that way when she cries). Anyway.

On the way home E proceeds to tell me she fell out of her chair in housekeeping and face planted and it hurt "really bad" and is trying to show me where she bumped her head. Tells me they took her to the front office for an ice pack. (?) I'm extremely upset I wasn't informed. I call the director (Leiba, who I am friends with, she has a 12 year old she adopted at 10 who is deaf, was in China at the same time as me) who tells me that no, she didn't fall as far as they know, but she was playing with the blind boy in housekeeping, was "directing him" (this is so E) and he did not want to do what she was telling him to, she got upset, and the next thing Ms Lee knew, she was on the floor cradling her head (laying on her arms), crying. That makes more sense as I know my child and if she had fallen, which TERRIFIES her, she would have screamed, and 2. there is not a mark on her to indicate she landed on her head. Leiba and I discuss the rest of her behaviors all week and I find out she has not been following direction (not at all like E)- (or, hasn't been forced to, Lee let's her come in her own time from one activity to the next for fear she will upset E even more), she refused to take her place at the lunch table that day, and she is laughing at a child who speaks differently and she gets the WHOLE CLASS laughing with her and is the class leader. OH HOW MY BLOOD BOILED then quickly simmered and then cooled, realizing how hard this has all been for her.

Leiba and I are very close and parent in much the same way (we're hard-asses, meaning- don't give our kids exceptions because of their disability- same expectations, same rules, encourage independence, etc, if you fall, brush it off and get back up). I told her I would meet with Lee to make sure she understood my child was to follow the same directions, thrives on routine and strong boundaries, that time warnings will help if she is tired or struggling- "you have 2 minutes to come to the next activity or you can move to the bench" (quiet time, not a time out), etc. She responds SO well to time warnings and firm discipline. I know my kid like the back of my hand. Yes, she has unique physical needs, but otherwise damn well treat her the same as other kids and she needs to have the same expectations placed on her.

And yes, the teacher did address the laughing to the whole class and spoke about how it isn't nice to laugh at other people because they are different without naming E specifically.

25% of this breakdown in behavior and acting out is a new class room. 75% is grieving- missing her school and teachers (especially Ms. Shannon) of the last 1.5 years.

100% of this is NO NAP. I told Ms. Lee there are only 3 things that make E unhappy (and that I've never seen her act out and was relieved that she was because she has every right to feel angry and has never acted out before and honestly it was beginning to worry me and WHEW my kid is HUMAN!): Number ONE is always that she is tired. TWO is that she is hungry, THREE is that she is sick and if there is a 4th it is that unnameable grief, which is extremely rare any longer, but that she is grieving leaving Ms. Shannon, her favorite teacher, and misses her tremendously.

After snack and taking some quiet time to work on her Dad Day painting for Baba, she sat in my lap and we talked about listening and following direction, and how it would feel if someone laughed because she used a wheelchair (right now they all think it's the coolest thing), and how it's okay to HELP our friends but not tell them what to do. I told her I understood she was so tired and missed Shannon but that we were going to see her this summer and that Ms Lee loved her too and that it would get better and that it was okay to feel angry and to tell me she was angry but not to be mean to our teacher and to our friends. It seemed to really get through and she had a pretty good day yesterday. She asked me if she could have her nails painted this weekend and I said maybe next Saturday depending on how her week went and if Ms. Lee told me she was doing the 3 things we talked about: (following directions/listening, being nice to her friends/helping- her norm, and not laughing at people because they are different from us).

As I think back over this week, and the decision I made to put her in this class, I am grateful I did it- it was good practice for her in terms of the upcoming BIG transition to kindergarten, and good practice for me. And this is all I know: I TEAR UP when I take in where she has come from. In my sister's words: She truly is SO strong. I would give anything to have been able to hold her in her earliest days, though I don't mourn that I wasn't given that gift. Her mom (parents), must have been scared to death. They kept her for 3 months, watching that mass on her back grow to the size of a small human head. Fu Gaomei was a fighter and still is. I am so lucky. I would go to the ends of the earth for her. She fought without her MOM holding her and she WON. Against every odd, when she never should have lived. And she not only lived, but SOARED.

I've never in my live known anyone like her.

We'll get through this and she will come out shining again, and she will probably teach me more than I can possibly teach her.

2011-06-10T20:32:00.000-07:00

(pentax k1000, film)
E in June, this year.

E in April of this year- barely fitting into her first chair (she has fast outgrown it!)

February 2010, just after she received her chair (once it was customized)

one year ago, in the same chair you see above (not her sports chair).

December 2009, before customization

unbelievable to me how this baby girl has become little girl- i miss her tiny
28 pound (yes, at almost 4 years old!) body that we first met :o)

and yet, i am so very proud of who she is and how we have come to
know one another. i'm not sure if she has changed or if we
have just come to understand her as she has opened up
over these last (almost) 2 years together.

all i know is that we have one dang amazing child in our midst
and we are very blessed by her presence in our lives.

(kindergarten next year!

kindergarten! people!)

he ain't heavy, he's my brother

2011-06-03T07:07:00.001-07:00

(pentax k1000, kodak max 800, film)

he ain't heavy, he's my brother
his welfare is my concern
no burden is he to bear
we'll get there
all i know - he would not encumber me...

and the love doesn't weigh me down at all...

he ain't heavy, he's my brother

listen here.

racism in a conversation with a patient.

2011-06-02T09:19:00.000-07:00

Entering a patient's room (not that this is of any significance, but she is from Holland, and not American, and maybe I state that only to show that racism is present everywhere in this world). She was half way through a blood transfusion and a visitor was saying good-bye.

Patient: "I was just talking with my friend about this blood, she was asking me if it came all the way from China! You know, if this was Chinese blood."

Me: (utterly baffled): "I'm sorry? If this was blood donated from China?"

Patient: "Yes. Well, you know, I don't want to turn into a monkey."

Me: (utterly shocked and horrified, hiding these emotions): "Are you implying in some way that Chinese people are monkeys?"

Patient: "Well you know what I mean"

Me: "No I don't know what you mean. I can tell you that your blood was donated locally and I can assure you that Chinese people are not monkeys. My daughter is Chinese."

Patient: (not missing a beat and not even remotely remorseful for her prior remarks): "Oh she is! Do you eat a lot of Chinese food?"

Me: (leaving the room): "I'm not sure what that has to do with my daughter being Chinese. I'll be back to check on you in 30 minutes, if you need anything before then, please call".

What I should have said: "No, we like to eat monkey brains".

god help me.

us, lately

2011-05-29T05:08:00.000-07:00

(pentax k1000, film)

leisurely walks with family in the unusually dry heat of summer that settled in early this year. trips to her favorite park. neighbors stopping to say hello with smiling dogs. hugs and hand holding and dinners out, when we can. ransom and jiji finding a place on the couch together... ransom, beating all odds and still with us 8 months later.

life is not without its struggles or its (sometimes quite overwhelming) ups and downs. but when i sit back, looking at this collection of photos, there is only gratefulness inside of me for the gifts i have received in my life.

ransom of many names

2011-05-21T07:44:00.001-07:00

(yashi, kodak ektar 100 film)

Mr. Fat Pants. Buddy. Licky Larry. Lean-To. Boober Doozer. My Boy. Stinker-Do. Mister Man. sometimes, just Mister. or Boob.

today i learned your liver is "bigger" and your abdomen has several enlarged lymph nodes, and of course, the ones in your neck are so firm like rocks only these keep growing and i know that this hardness means the cells are replicating at an astronomical rate like something i can't even fathom- i know this because this is my work this is what i do and knowledge is not always a good thing or at least in this case maybe a little ignorance would be bliss. but mostly Buddy, mostly what i heard was that you have become fat (hee!hee!)- that made me smile from ear to ear. because treats are the best and your favorite and you deserve as many as you want for as many days or dare i hope for weeks as you have left.

something tells me the more nicknames you have, these funny terms of endearment, the greater you are loved :) i think i will keep naming you Buddy, even long after you are gone.

the chairs are in!

2011-05-14T06:10:00.001-07:00

of course, they both chose purple :o) this is A, who we met through P.T.- and this summer, they will be taking private tennis lessons together with coach Johnny who teaches at a local high school and has played some olympic level sports. E is psyched. oh yes. and mom forgot the camera (the horror, right?) so mobile uploads will have to suffice. thank god for phones, eh?

making some adjustments

checkin' the chairs out

on the court

"awww. almost!" (she'd say this every time, so cute).

off to the local sports store to pick up, you guessed it, a purple racket.

i am a mother

2011-05-08T10:40:00.001-07:00

and my daughter had a very tough time keeping this surprise tucked behind her back this morning before Baba came down from his shower to be present for the gift giving :) i have to say, though i am always giddy about a gift certificate to my favorite photo shop (and i mean GIDDY) nothing compares to this kind of stickering and the special love that only your 5 year old can pour into one very simple, and absolutely perfect card. i am blessed blessed blessed!

(those are big hands for big hugs, btw!)

part of my weekend included a trip downtown. ransom took a short turn for the worse with some coughing and hacking, and it became persistent at night and for several, kept him (and me) up for at least a couple hours on average between 3-6 AM. he seemed so worn out and i was beginning to think i couldn't let him go on like this. he also started producing some yucky junk from his nose (still doing that) as well. we tried a cough suppressant that didn't seem to really work. and i wrote too many emails and made too many calls to our fave vet, which no doubt drove her nuts :) but it was determined, and i was reassured, that these respiratory issues were in no way causing him discomfort and that we would be able to find a way to manage the problem.

i decided, in honor of my first dog since childhood- and truly, my first dog- my buddy- the boy who has seen me through hell and back, to have a little something special placed on the pulse of my wrist, in honor of him. it was inspired by the necklace that i wear around my neck and never take off....

and the magic that cured the cough? codeine.

truthfully, i wasn't supposed to start him on it until the script is filled on monday, but it happens i have some left over of my own from last summer and i knew the dosage for him. he hasn't coughed at night in 2 days, has slept straight through, and had so much energy yesterday that he played with this tennis ball- a first in over a month! (and i promise his goofy face was not drug induced, merely a hilarious moment caught off guard)!

blessings, blessings, blessings! i am constantly amazed at his strength and resilience. i see and feel the size of his tumors and it baffles me how he keeps bouncing back. today we blessed him with holy water from Lourdes, praying over him and thanking him for his love. he teaches me everyday that death has more to do with living than dying. and this is such a good lesson!

happy mothers day... this has been the best one yet. something tells me my mom is smiling down on this weekend, on this day.

what is found there

2011-05-01T20:31:00.000-07:00

(yashica mat-124, film)

absentmindedly, as you drifted off to sleep snoring beside me, my hand found you as i opened my book to read. i stroked your back and found my hand on your leg, gently rubbing the soft tufts of fur above your knee- and there it was, something new, a nodule, a protrusion. my breath held for a second or more as i sat up and properly palpated the area, confirming an enlarged lymph node. and a twin on the other leg. it was one thing to hear the cancer had spread to your liver and spleen, to places i cannot see and have yet to really witness any symptoms that prove that truth. it is an entirely different matter to grasp in my fingertips new tumors in new places, so far from your original sites beneath your jaw line, here at the back end of you. why here? why not under your front legs? why not your front toes for god's sake? have the cells traveled so far as to be everywhere now? if they are here, this far from your neck, where else are they?

i hate these cells. the anger setting in.

then the tears fall again.

i know all of you are tired of this. i am too. i am certain he is. it hangs over our days.

but he eats ice cream and biscuits and more than half his food & begs at the dinner table. he licks our faces and our feet and is content and happy, for the most part- so not much has changed, yet.

except everything. except this.

talisman

2011-04-28T07:42:00.000-07:00

Ransom
(yashica mat-124, film)

when ransom was first diagnosed with cancer, this very sweet mom (who i have never met) sent this charm to me, completely out of the blue and unexpectedly. i was flabbergasted by such a thoughtful gift. how amazing that another person, a virtual stranger really, understood what my Boob meant to me :)

i have worn it ever since, and take it off only to shower. it is the first thing my hand searches for in the morning, making sure it is still there. i fiddle with it, unconsciously rubbing the "r" against that word "love". it is my reassurance. twice i thought i'd lost the necklace, once in sleep, convinced it had broken off, only to remember i'd removed it to shower the night before and forgotten to replace it around my neck. on both occasions, i was convinced it was the universe or God telling me to guard my heart and prepare for the inevitable.

his tumors are growing so fast. i hate them and grapple after them, willing them to go soft and shrink again, as if my hands belonged to a magician. they fit now in the palm of my hands. they protrude from his neck. what are they doing in his liver and his spleen?

i had (and still have) a horrible migraine. i couldn't sleep for it last night, and drifted off for 30 minute intervals only to wake and fight to find a comfortable position. at one point, i woke and in half sleep, went to scratch the back of my neck.

then i heard the sound. the tiny "snap" of something breaking, the tension of something i cherish just before it comes apart, coming apart. the necklace.

in the dark i fumbled, dry eyed (tears not an option with the migraine) to find the charm, and it was found. i carefully placed it on the bathroom counter, leaving a note for G who would be up for work before me as it was my day off, telling him "it" had happened. that this talisman of protection had done the one thing i had hoped it never would. it was that one sign that for me, was my sign.

so, i was not surprised when he woke me at 7AM to let me know Ransom couldn't finish his breakfast and had to be cajoled into eating it.

but no vomiting, no pain, and he readily downed a biscuit. i know it is coming too soon. it is time to tell him it's okay and let go of the words. stop typing.

just be in this, with him.

our easter

2011-04-25T07:55:00.001-07:00

so, uh, don't mean to interrupt or anything but ah... kinda got my eye on that yellow egg and all, so if someone could just pass me that one there, was gonna maybe put my name on it or just a big R or well, what the heck, you know, crack that sucker and let's just eat the darn thing... i'm feeling like a second breakfast, what about you? second breakfast? anyone? anyone?

happy easter

2011-04-23T21:03:00.000-07:00

(photo by G)

Easter says you can put truth in a grave, but it won't stay there.

Clarence W. Hall

of bonds and mending hearts.

2011-04-21T17:10:00.000-07:00

(yashica mat-124, kodak ektar 100)

i wonder each time ransom pauses outside to look toward the same cul-de-sac what exactly he sees. what his nose is sniffing after. nothing has really changed on our street in the 5 years we have lived in this little house.

except, everything.

today, i have learned your cancer has spread Buddy. that your liver and your spleen are enlarged. at work i shed tears and in the car, leaving work, i could hardly breath through them.

but i arrived home to your happy disposition, your amazing smile, and found it impossible not to grin from ear to ear in return. your eagerness in greeting me is the highlight of my day, equal only to seeing E and G. but maybe this exuberance was only realizing a biscuit was soon coming? :o) i don't think so. when i sensed a week ago your time to leave might be near, when my gut was telling me... when i hoped my gut was faulty and misguided, but deep down i knew better....

i can attribute that knowing to only one thing: this incredible, indescribable, amazing bond the 2 of us share, Mr.Man. somehow you were telling me in your own way- and i heard. that's the kind of love that is shared between us. a love that transcends the spoken word and is wholly unconditional.

now it is time for our hearts to break and mend as we start to say our good-byes. not yet, you say to me. but sooner now than later. maybe in this way your cancer is a gift, even though i am struggling not to feel angry that it came so early in your short life.

today was the hardest day of them all. 7 years to just weeks... (if we have weeks)... in a flash. i wouldn't trade a single second. every one has counted.

there is no eloquent way to wrap this post up tonight. i love you Buddy. you have my heart. let's just make the most of these days. ice cream, peanut butter, table scraps, snuggles, trips to Pet Sm*rt... the world is yours. and heaven too.

not that anyone asked but i'm gonna tell you anyway :)

2011-04-20T10:43:00.000-07:00

ransom
(yashica mat-124, kodak ektar 100, film)

so the cultures came back. hemolytic staph. your basic staph aureus infection, unknown at this point if it might have been a resistant strain, or if i brought it home to him from the hospital, a definite and real possibility. agreed that his compromised immune system set him up for such an infection in the first place. mysteriously, the lesions and last scabs fell off on their own over the weekend and now only scars remain, and (grateful again!) no new lesions have appeared, so we hold off on a second round of antibiotics.

i'm taking him in next week for a "peace of mind palpation" of his tumors by his primary internist. suckers decided it was time to start breeding with the advent of spring i guess. where once i could only feel them by knowing where they were and massaging deep, now he only needs to turn his head for them to be detected with the naked eye. a mere brush of my fingertips along either side of his neck surrenders a firm and protruding knot or two, as they push outward, upward - wherever they will- toward his jaw line... and deeper into his neck. suckers, i say.

my first and most important conviction is to give him the most painless and peaceful passing from this world to the next.

i hear him snoring in the next room. content. last night or maybe it was the night before, he licked away my tears and in his compassion i heard: not yet, not yet.

the gift of friends

2011-04-17T17:30:00.000-07:00

Had a wonderful time celebrating Jami's birthday today! E had a blast bowling and at last meeting Emme and Lisa (and it was so great to see them again, you'd never have guessed it had been 2 years since we last got together!). Emme is such an empath at heart, and spent almost the entire time down on all fours with E :) And E spent all of dinner talking about how much she loves Jami and Lindsi, and how she and Emme are both 5 years old and their names both start with E. I am so glad she has found another great friend. We love all of you!

t-shirt by L*fe is Good...

2011-04-15T16:17:00.000-07:00

...hair by E.

3rd pony in the back is the bonus :)

six months later

2011-04-12T09:26:00.000-07:00

i remember a couple of weeks ago, my sister Kim said to me: "he doesn't look like he has cancer though, you know? he just hasn't changed to me at all". and i thought that is so Kim, who sees so fully with her heart and almost never with her eyes. and while the changes to me are obvious, living with him day after day (grateful! day! after! day!), i have come to love his bald spots and patches, the worn look in his face, and his greater need for affection and food :) i also realize that i don't often show much more than his face, or the effects cancer has had on his body.

the first photo was taken a couple weeks ago, and that is so my boy. ready for you. waiting for you to get down there with him and snuggle. no, wait. just give me a carrot or a piece of bacon he is saying!

the second one is tastefully done and doesn't show the multitude of patches that were periodically shaved as one lesion after another emerged beneath what little coat he has left... three weeks ago he was started on antibiotics for a suspected staph infection, even though my gut told me otherwise with no itching, no redness, no smell. just these serous mild oozes, a scab, then with some, healing. but today, at the vet, since new lesions keep popping up- we cultured and if that culture is negative, we'll biopsy next week.

yes, the lymphoma can present this way. i had read that somewhere and thought since it was rare, no chance. my gut keeps telling me otherwise, in spite of hearing those words today. i'm trying hard to ignore my gut or just plain tell it to shut its trap.

in the last photo, you see what most of him looks like now- these large areas of thinning, sometimes in artistic patterns (doesn't that look like a rockin' flame on his side or maybe an angel's wing?). most of these appeared before his diagnosis and were the first symptom of his cancer, some hair loss came with the chemo- though not much. and where he was shaved for surgery the hair has never fully grown back in.

i think he is the most handsome, beautiful dog that ever lived.

april 8th marks 6 months since the official diagnosis.

and damn if i don't feel (#%!*%$#) blessed for every minute of the days that have made up those months! i'm banking on making it to his 8th birthday even though i tell him (almost) every day that i am ready when he is ready, that if he's too tired it's okay. even though i know that's pushing it and maybe unrealistic.

even though i'm not really. ready, that is.

but for him? well, i will muster every bit of strength i have. cuz he deserves my all and my best and this boy, well, he has my heart and my heart has been full in such large part- in such LARGE part... because of him.

2011-04-07T12:25:00.001-07:00

because this is the face of my best friend.

2011-03-30T19:45:00.000-07:00

that is all, nothing more.

(holga 120N, kodak ektar 100)

2011-03-28T12:50:00.000-07:00

i came across E's finding ad that was given to us (and translated by our guide) while in China. it has been over a year since i read it, and when I came to the last sentence of the ad, the tears fell:

"There were 2 pieces of clothes and one bag of formula left with her".

the clothes. what were they? what did they choose for her before they had to let her go? did they take a photo of her at the police station in those clothes or at the orphanage steps? is there some photo from that first day? what struggles did her first parents endure? who left her with those 2 pieces of clothes at the gate of the orphanage on that day, 3 months after she was born?

what i wouldn't give to be able to pass those clothes on to her. interestingly it doesn't say a thing, anywhere, in any paperwork, any file, that her birthday was estimated. you know how most do? hers doesn't. i have always had this gut feeling that there was a note, even though i was told there wasn't. almost 4 years later, new staff, a crowded and loud room, me asking that question, how would they even remember?

18 months home...

2011-03-28T07:05:00.000-07:00

november 2009, 2 months home

march, 2011, 18 months home

how our girl has grown...

Our Own Games... (and a parents visit to kindergarten! oh! and a sports wheelchair!)

2011-03-24T08:02:00.001-07:00

the parade to the Games

her teacher's class banner

working out race strategy with Aunt Karen :)

wheelchair push (independent)
(miss shannon in the background)

wheelchair pull with Aunt Karen

several attempts at a class picture...
at last, this!

our favoritest teacher

blue ribbons or not, our inspiration.

... and E wouldn't know a blue ribbon from a white, and would prefer purple! it was just such a fun and inspiring day to watch so many children with all kinds of abilities get together for their own version of school Olymp*cs. Aunt Karen made the trip up and i can't thank her enough for making this day all the more special by participating in one of the events so that i could continue to be the spectator that i adore being... plus, she is the athlete :)

what incredible work these teachers, volunteers, aides, and students put into making this day possible. we are so grateful to miss shannon, her Pre-K teacher who we adore and are struggling with saying good-bye to this summer. i am beginning to think it will be a harder transition for Mom than for E! just look at her face in that photo of E racing on her own- it epitomizes who she is... the support and backbone of her students, who looks on with so much pride in who her students have become.

we met with E's potential K teacher today. we are trying to get her into the multi-age program at the school we are zoned for, slots are few but thanks for some wonderful connections and her unique needs, hopefully we will be selected without any glitches. this will mean she is in the same class with the same teacher for grades K-2, something that i feel she needs for multiple reasons. 1, she has had enough major life changes in the short first 3.5 years of her life. this will give her a solid foundation to move into grade 3 and beyond. 2, she is a natural leader. (read between the lines, for all her shyness, once she is comfortable, girl has a little boss in her). that's not a bad thing, at all, and truthfully it's not that horrible- she's not at all or in the least overbearing. but having peers and mentors and students that are assigned leaders that are older than her will greatly benefit her. and she's an only child and likely will remain one unless we strike it rich (HA! ha. ha.), so being in this sort of program is not unlike being in a family- children older than you, younger than you, which can make negotiating problems and communicating more challenging- as it would be in any family- while she will benefit from learning from her older peers too and eventually will make an amazing role model herself. 3, the structure of the class itself mimics the Montessori based programs essentially. they don't state that specifically, but it's apparent. since the children are all learning in the same classroom most of the time (math not included), they are achieving at different levels because some might be grasping the 1st and 2nd grade concepts as they are able. there is a set curriculum for each grade level though. 4. as it turns out, they happened to have a 2nd grader in a wheelchair now who will be moving on to 3rd grade. so the room she would be placed in is already adapted for a child in a wheelchair (this is a mainstream class, not a class for children with special needs). it financially makes sense for the school to place her here so that further adaptations don't have to be made to another class. 5th, i just love the whole concept. since when were we meant to move from one grade to another (or a new class each year) at such a young age? certainly wasn't done that way originally when we had the same teacher from kindergarten to grade 12 (you know, when OUR parents had to walk 2 miles in the snow uphill to and from school). i know, that is ancient history, but still. it's a lot to ask a 5 year old and a 6 year old and a 7 year old to suck it up, year after year. and she's had to suck it up enough already :) now is her time to settle in for 3 years of solid. 3 years of familiar. she thrives on that. and i am so excited about her future.

LASTLY, but just as exciting (if you even got through that last paragraph), an anonymous person donated money to Kids Abilities here in town so that our local tennis coach (he played professional wheelchair tennis/basketball, etc and comes to the monthly Adaptive Tennis games) could have CUSTOM SPORTS CHAIRS made for E and her friend A from P.T. (who also plays tennis). BONUS. coach johnny offered to give them private lessons! at no cost! she LOVES tennis. and of course, she chose purple :)

i hope one day this person will reveal themselves, so i can squeeze them tight and thank them. it amazes me and renews my faith in the human spirit, the generosity of strangers...

and as you can see from the last post, well, ransom is alive and well, 5 months after diagnosis.

so life? it's still good. :)

oh just try not to smile

2011-03-21T08:21:00.001-07:00

"the kissers"

2011-03-17T14:36:00.000-07:00

this past weekend we strolled downtown because the weather was divine and we all enjoy a walk in the late afternoon (and any excuse to make pictures). E was delighted as well and when we happened upon this couple there was nothing we could do to divert her star struck gaze from their hand holding and gentle pecks. they seemed content that i capture them in the reflection of a store across the street, or perhaps, blinded by young love, didn't even notice any of us or assumed i was photographing the storefront and not what was reflected in it.

and E? well, E is all about the kissing lately. she literally had to be physically pulled from her spot, in protest, so that we could go about our meandering through the city. over and over, she'd repeat, "but i wanna see the kissers. can we go back to the kissers?" and since we certainly have never referred to anything as a "kisser" in our house, (having used the term kiss or kissing), it was tough to contain our own giggles and respond to her without losing cool. since we were not heading back in the direction of "the kissers", she then started demanding that baba and i kiss, saying we don't do that enough! more laughter, and of course, we obliged once or twice.

when we had no choice but to pass by this same building again, you would have thought we were walking through the gates of W*lt Disn*y World and heading for Buzz himself. imagine her disappointment when the twosome had departed and those stairs were empty. it was time for us to head to the car for jackets and to unload some of the cameras before dinner, anyway, so we made our way.

this is the conversation that unfolded:

e: "i want to see the kissers"
mama: "i know sweet pea. i think it's wonderful that you like to see people that love each other, it's a beautiful way to show someone how you feel. but they already left. i bet they got hungry too and maybe they went to get some dinner"
e: "well, maybe we can go back" (to the stairs)
mama: "sweet pea they aren't there anymore, remember?"
e: "well... we could follow them"
baba: "honey that's called stalking"
e: "well...i can stalk them"

.....

insert the laughter that could no longer be contained, by any of us, even though she didn't have a clue what triggered our outburst!

do you believe in magic?

2011-03-16T20:09:00.000-07:00

(holga 135, fuji superia 400, double exposure)

for Japan

2011-03-12T11:09:00.000-08:00

(pentax k1000, fuji superia 400)

"I should not make any promises right now,
But I know if you
Pray
Somewhere in this world -
Something good will happen."

~Hafiz~

YOU CAN HELP HERE.

Or stop by and see HILDA GRAHNAT and buy something from her shop - from her site: "All proceeds go direclty to Japan Earthquake and Tsunami Relief through the Japan Red Cross Society. For just 10 USD you will receive a print or a postcard set and at the same time donate money to those in need". I just ordered some postcards for myself today.

she did it again, with ice cream

2011-03-07T16:42:00.000-08:00

(pentax k1000, fuji superia 400)

i don't know what to say. words are taken from me. i am robbed of them so often in her presence. i mean, it was just an innocent children's book, you know the one: the h*ngry caterpillar. a favorite of mine and now, she is asking for it night after night which makes me smile. she reminds me of the butterfly on the last page, all hand painted & colorful & beautiful & new to the world & ready to fly, but having come from. she's no idea how that once caterpillar struggled for those wings. maybe one day she'll get the analogy to her own life, or see herself the way that i do.

but tonight, it wasn't about the butterfly. we were on that page where the ravenous caterpillar eats his way through everything in sight, including an ice cream cone. and as baba and i continue our back and forth, naming each delicacy, and are just about to the lollipop, she stops and points back to the ice cream and says, "we call this one 'bing-ji-ling'..." (or so it sounds to me, something like this in spelling). and in our excitement we ask her to repeat this word, and in her shyness about her first language, at first she only replies, "that's how we say it in china". and so i ask, "can you teach me? because i know i'm not saying it right" and so she says it again.

and after we say our goodnights and thank her for sharing this special word with us, i google "ice cream" in Mandarin to find this, simplified:

Bīngqílín

there, inside her heart, her head, in words and phrases, these past weeks... they surface, they bubble up, unexpected.

language is a mystery to me. we will do everything in our power to preserve hers.

so quiet... did you hear that? who's there? oh. hey! what's up?! good to see you!

2011-03-07T05:58:00.000-08:00

(holga 120fn, kodak ektar 100 film)

but we're just having too much fun for blogging these days. spent the whole weekend doing yard work as the weather was seriously fabulous (breezy, 70s, could not ask for better) and then we went out and bought some acrylic paints and a variety of canvases and spent the afternoon making some artwork yesterday. our legs were tooooo tired for outdoor activity!

i'm also posting more at IF as i just can't stop taking film photos and trying to learn all that i can about the cameras i haul with me just about everywhere we go. hope you guys had a great weekend!

don't eat your foot. or put your foot in your mouth. or chew your toenails. blech! :)

(and E, for the record, can in fact get half of that foot in her mouth!)

she's all growing up

2011-02-28T07:50:00.000-08:00

A few months prior to her 5th birthday, we started bringing up E's room. Or, sleeping in it, that is. As some of you may or may not know, she has slept in a toddler bed next to me for almost 18 months now, since the first day she came home from China. She is an incredibly sound sleeper, and I can count on one hand how many times I've been awakened at night due to a bad dream or a cough :) Girl gets her sleep, and I wish mom could say the same but I don't sleep that way!

Anyway, probably sometime in the last month she mentioned she wanted to sleep in her room, which we were just thrilled she'd brought up on her own, but we'd yet to set up her toddler rail on the big bed so we delayed and then sort of forgot about it. (And yeah, she needs the rail). Since she can't use her legs really to turn over in sleep, she sort of flings herself, and that can lead to flinging entirely off the bed. Aunt Karen was here for a visit this weekend (pictured above with us!) and E always asks to have her toddler bed moved into her room to sleep with Aunt Karen while she's here... well, last night, she asked for the same.

She asked to sleep... ALONE. In her room.

It was all so sudden. So matter of fact. There was none of this "transitioning" (that apparently I needed more than she did-ha). Just, hey mama and baba I want to sleep in my room now. Apparently she and Aunt Karen had quite a talk about how "cool" her room is, which may have influenced my little one a bit :O) At any rate, we moved the toddler bed back a second time (having yet to put the rail on the big bed up still), and bedtime story complete, we tucked her in, and said our goodnights....

Mama: "I will sure miss you tonight E. But I am so proud of you for sleeping in your big girl room!"
E: "Well you don't have to be scared Mama, I'll be right here, okay? And don't cry, okay? I know you will miss me but don't cry".

And dang if I didn't walk out of that room with a tears in my eyes. It goes by too fast. I want to rewind the clock. Or stop time all together.

She slept as soundly as she ever does through the night. When I asked this morning if she liked sleeping in her room, she replied, "Yep" as if she'd been sleeping there all along.

We'll go with the flow on this, knowing that she may need time with us now and again, maybe even long stretches. Once, a long time ago, before boarding that plane to China, a wise woman told me, "follow her lead". And though we have guided her, disciplined appropriately, when it's come to these important milestones we really have let her show us when she's ready without ever pushing. We've gently suggested and let the thought sit with her, and let it go. Knowing in time she'd come around. There was no need for fanfare or making a big deal out of this change. It came naturally, and its own time- her time.

i am buzz lightyear, i come in peace!

2011-02-24T14:56:00.000-08:00

E is smitten with The Buzz.
he is second only to Baba.

after months of requesting to watch each film over and over,
we picked up this "just because" gift and gave it to her tonight.
without delay, she informed us she would play with him "forever".

which translates to infinity and beyond!

(and yes, she's already inscribed her name on the other foot)!

2011-02-20T05:19:00.001-08:00

E has always wavered a bit on China. Some mornings she'll tell us she is leaving for her country, alone, and that we are not to follow. She assures us not to worry, she'll be back soon (sometimes in just one hour *smile*). Most of the time she worries over returning to this mystical place that exists only in her memory. She questions if she has to go back "to stay", and struggles with the concept of even a visit, a topic we bring up once in awhile as we prepare for that eventuality. She shies from Chinese people in crowds, especially if she hears the language. She recently removed all her pictures of her favorite nanny from her bedside wall and has no interest in replacing them with others. This saddens me deeply, though I understand it is part of her growth, her development and her need to feel secure where she is now, with us. I only wish she could understand (and I hope one day she will) that her country is entirely hers, that she can have both without losing one or the other entirely (I say this because truthfully she has lost so much of her culture of origin, and I know she will never be able to regain those losses).

This morning while she was waiting on her pancake, she was playing with Jiji on the floor and then picked up a heart shaped rock I'd given her for Valentine's Day that has "LOVE" written across it. It has long been her favorite word and in the last several months, hearts have been her favorite shape. I too have a rock that is similarly shaped, but was found along the coast of California... she picked this one up too and looked at me and said, "Mama. This one is mine, this one is yours"...

Mama: "Yep. That's right. Yours has the word "love" on it".
E: "Yeah, and mine is big, and yours is small".
Mama: "Mine is smaller, that's true. Do you know mine came from the beach? From far away, all the way in California."
E: "From before I came here?"

(This is the first time I've heard her phrase a question this way, and while I have always known she understands there was a time before us, a time when we first met, and then this time, I am still always amazed at her ability to really grasp that at 4 and 5 years of age).

Mama: "Yes, from a long time before you came here. I think from before you were even born".

She then goes on with her play and I hear her giggling, which usually means she is thinking of a scene from T*y Story. I ask her if Buzz is making her laugh again and she says, "No Mama. One time I tear a napkin and I give it to Jie Jie. Not cat Jiji, my Jie Jie"... and I reply, "Oh, you mean your Jie Jie in China?"

E: "Yes. And I say 'gay nee' and give her the napkin"
Mama: "You said what to her sweetie?"
E: "(shy, sheepishly): "Gay nee (with emphasis on the gay, a softer nee), like that, in Chinese".**
Mama: "What does that mean sweet pea?"
E: (thinking hard): "I think it mean like I found it or somethin'"

Of course, later, in my search for "found it" in Chinese, there was nothing that came close to my phonetics above. But how incredible that she recalled this moment with someone that she loves, that it brought her those same giggles that only Buzz L*ghtyear can produce. And that though she has lost so much of her spoken first language, it is still there inside of her, still very much a part of her. And while she may not remember what the phrase meant, or doesn't have the ability to translate it, she knows what she said to her Jie Jie in that moment.

I said to Garth last week that we have got to search for a Chinese tutor for her. We have no money, we are struggling paycheck to paycheck right now, but it is the one place I will make the sacrifice. She has no interest whatsoever in learning her language again. (Even though she tries, with those shy smiles, to sing along with the Beijing Angelic Choir). Today she told me, "You and Baba can speak Chinese, I don't want to learn it". But she'll thank me for forcing it later. This is one area where I won't compromise and everyday I feel like we're losing time and I wish we'd started a year ago.

We'll do it as a family. Because her culture is ours. It's too easy to forget that. Too easy to take for granted that she has become "American" by adoption and become complacent and lazy about keeping her culture in the foreground and not the background. I don't ever want to let that happen.

***we have found the meaning (and correct spelling) of "gay nee" thanks to this blogger! She is probably saying "gei ni" which means "give to you" or "I am giving it to you"/"please take it". And as A (the person who emailed me said) this makes absolute sense in the context of the story E was telling me, that she tore the napkin and handed it to Jie Jie and said, "gie ne". To hear E pronounce it though, with the right inflections and with that perfect accent, to hear her say a word I've never heard her use in her language, it has unlocked something in me and I feel completely emotional about it. I can't exactly describe why. I only know I am all the more determined to find a tutor for her (us) and begin this lifelong journey of rediscovering/growing her roots... and that begins with language. her language.

her kind of heart

2011-02-14T16:14:00.000-08:00

i know, i know. i even created this new site in order to avoid using our names entirely! but just this once i gotta. cuz this handmade valentine rainbow heart card is seriously the bomb. and i just adore her "s's" that look like the number 5 and my new buzz cut and her emerging penmanship and... well, i love her name. i adore her name. so, there it is, just this once and then we'll tuck it away never to repeat it again.

after Baba opened his super sized Tinkerb*ll card, selected by E of course, and all of us opened a little something from each other, we sat down to enjoy sweet and sour shrimp, vegetable fried rice and lo mien from our favorite Chinese take-out diner. my fortune tonight? oh, it was goooood. and i post this here primarily to receive the the "bwah ha ha" comments from my family. they get it.

"you will inherit a large sum of money"

oh but to dream.

happy valentine's day everyone.
hope you all had a rainbow heart kind of day!

2011-02-13T07:07:00.000-08:00

you may already be aware that my girl is beautiful. cuz it's true. she is (*smiles*). we're completely biased but the world seems to agree. and she has this inner confidence that i deeply admire. the ability to look at herself in the mirror (literally) and say, "ooooh, so pretty" at herself. we could all learn to do the same, you would think. but then, i don't have her eyes, her lips, her smile... right? but i'm certain i could, if i'd work on having her outlook, her attitude, her spirit, her joy. and even though every week she wishes she could stand or walk, this outlook never changes. girl is happy, period. and even when she isn't happy, she finds her way back to it.

i will add she's also brilliant. i knew she was smart because she just seemed pretty smart to me when when she was able to memorize her books after 2 or 3 readings. i learned after her most recent IEP (individual education planning meeting) that our kid is SMART with a capital S.M.A.R.T.... and kinda knows it. we are working on that. she got a little "boss" in her, and thankfully boss isn't too big yet. but i have to admit i felt incredibly proud of her, considering the insurmountable odds this child has had to overcome in such a short time. i don't share this often at all, but she was sent to her first orphanage to a palliative care unit that is run by Hope Foster Home in order to be made comfortable. a sort of Hospice if you will. and when she was sent to Beijing in hopes of saving her life, the outcome was grave. post surgery there were complications, infections, and i have one photograph that shows a very sick little infant girl struggling for her life. and then there were problems later, with her right leg, leading to more infection and blood blisters and wounds that were so deep that her bone was exposed. she grew up surrounded by loving ayis only to be taken from them and moved back to that same orphanage a province away, where she lived for a month before 2 strangers came to take her again... from everything she has ever known. at the chinese market this past week, we picked up a package of her favorite crackers that she tells us all the time she ate in china. what precious memories we fight to hold onto.

i digress.

so, my pride stems ultimately from knowing what she has faced, what this tiny body has endured, and the kind of person that has emerged from those struggles. she can write her entire alphabet, upper and lower case, without any help- apparently that is exceptional for a 4 year old (she was doing this a few months ago). her audio-visual processing scores were "well above" average and her attention to detail was "phenomenal" (in the words of her educators). she can dress herself. this is an enormous feat for a child who can't move her right leg and can barely move the left. she can write her full name and mine, recognizes all her classmates names, hands out their folders to them, etc and her recall for dates, months, days of the week is mind blowing. i can't remember the day of the week, but she does. and she knows her routine better than i do.

and this week? when she contracted another urinary tract infection, she cried for 2.5 hours straight without stopping. as G said, it was like a breakthrough for her emotionally. she didn't even cry this long in China that i can remember. she'd have meltdowns that would last about 45m-1hr multiple times throughout the day, but nothing like this. and it happened again yesterday. for no reason. she is 100% better, had slept for 1.5 hours, ate a great lunch. so, the tears came without reason. we laid together while she cried and when she was finished i asked what was making her feel so upset, and she said, "I don't know Mama".... i don't know, Mama. i told her that's okay, that sometimes it just hurts inside and sometimes we don't know why. and she got angry at me this week, and expressed it in a healthy way! bonus! 1.5 years in this country, and trust is such a precarious, delicate, precious element in our relationship.

it's difficult to look at this child and not think: you are remarkable. exceptional. magnificent.

i don't know how it is that i am so blessed, so honored to spend this life with you, E.

2011-02-10T09:05:00.000-08:00

we look to the days ahead. excellent news at the vet today. a brief scare in thinking his spleen was enlarged, but the ultrasound of his belly proved that his once lean(er) body had given way to a plump frame due to treats, ice scream, spaghetti, milkbones, and chips (among other things). of course, the 5 pound weight gain clued us in too :O) i swear my buddy just wants to keep living to see what new food he can try each day! i think we might start calling him Potato Sack or Spud cuz he sure resembles one. diet commenced a couple weeks ago but we'll have to cut back a bit more. and even with the recent tumor growth, the vet is not concerned and in her (music to my ears) words, said: "he looks amazing K" and sent us on our way.

2011-02-09T19:57:00.000-08:00

two months ago we decided to stop ransom's chemotherapy to treat his lymphoma, a type of cancer that effects his lymph nodes. the treatment was no longer working. and a couple of weeks after that decision was made, as i grappled with my feelings about it, i sat down and wrote this, a tribute to my best friend, my hero, my buddy. i am certain i will never be able to top it.

i am not the kind of person that has ever successfully lived in the moment. sure, i strive for that ideal. i even read about it :O) and i believe in it. and i believe that Tibetan monks or cloistered nuns or maybe hermits (in the true sense of the word) can achieve moment to moment living. i never dreamed my dog would teach me how to do this. but ransom has taught me that time is an illusion. that what we have together is eternity. that it doesn't end. and i've truly been living that for the last 2 months. somehow, i let go of those thoughts about what would one day come. past and future has dissolved into the daily celebrating of our togetherness. and by celebrating, i'm not implying there has been fanfare and balloons. there is just the (glorious!) mundane and the (wonderful!) sameness and the absolute joy in that sameness! the pure bliss of our routines together. or taking special notice of his daily and regular habits. the way he prefers to arrange the couch pillows beneath him, the couch itself not suitable enough a bed. the way he greets me each time i come through the door. the way he waits for me at the top of the stairs. every little thing, every look and sigh and snore. and because of that, i can honestly say i've made peace with the future, and have been thankful for the time ransom and i have together.

when my hands found more tumors along his chest and neck a couple of weeks ago, and under his front legs (what would be our axillae), i would look into his eyes, holding his head in my hands, and grumpily mutter: "we don't like those tumors buddy" and that was all. what else was there to say? i didn't focus on them.

and i haven't written about these things here, because, well... i've been busy about the business of living in the moment. there hasn't been the time and i haven't had the inclination. until tonight, until just now, when i've found myself in that place again where i cannot, even for one second, imagine life without him.

we see his vet tomorrow. because his vet is a friend also and she understands i'm worried and even though he is fine, or seems fine, and is eating well, and in no way seems to be affected by this new tumor growth... well, i don't like it. and i want to hear her say it's okay or it's not okay or just that i'm doing all the right things. i don't know. i don't know what i want.

30 more unrealistic years. yes, i will take that.

that's what i want. to live into my old age with this dog. only this dog. no other. because he's my Boob. and i don't want life without him in it and tonight, well, i'm allowing myself to feel that and to be selfish. tonight the tears fall for what will come. tonight i'm not living in the moment and i'm worried for the future. i'm worried for the place on my bed where his body has slept by mine for 7 years. tonight i'm indulging in this pain of what is to come. and that's okay.

tomorrow, i will wake up differently. i will thank him as i do everyday for each day he gives me.

a new park, and only a mile away...and made just for kids like her!

2011-02-07T07:25:00.000-08:00

wheelin'

swingin'

standin'

crawlin'

jumpin'

walkin'

smilin'

thinkin'

huggin'

i don't know what prompted Freedom Master (aka G) to search for adaptive parks on-line, but whadya know, he found one within walking distance of our humble little house. and she was pretty thrilled, though as you can see E pretty much prefers to be out of her chair and was thrilled to have all that support (including some to lean on with that left leg) in order to "stand"! that was her biggest cheekiest grin ever. i wish i could tell you she was using her legs for it but truthfully that's almost 90% upper body strength holding her up! girl is strong!

and are you diggin' that swing as much as WE are?? she thought it was the bomb.

the only downfall was the sand. uhm. sand? for people who can't walk? no no no. this is not the best option. but we'll take what we can get and we are not about to complain. at least not until we get home and are dumping it out of her socks and undies.

2011-02-05T20:25:00.000-08:00

i honestly cannot describe to you how much i love this dog.
to the core. i have never in all of my life loved an animal this much.
to call him animal is ridiculous. he is my family, my best friend,
my boy, my buddy.

and every single solitary day i wake up and i still see this smiling face,
well, that is the best damn day ever.

i love my Boob.

and i did just type that for the world to see :)

新年快樂

2011-02-03T13:07:00.001-08:00

happy new year.
even from the cat.
the Boob would have joined in that
wish but he's snoozin'.

health, happiness, peace...
all good things
for the coming year.

(first 2 photos Laura Coffey)

the neglected blog update, with a party no less!

2011-01-30T19:20:00.000-08:00

she turned 5 a couple weeks ago, but the big sha-bang was today. and mom has really put the camera down lately to enjoy the activity and missed a lot of moments... like the one when she signed the special birthday chair with this name: "E**** Lotta". yep. chose Lola's (of Charlie and Lola fame) best friend to use as her last name it seems, and we're fine with that. the bday party was held at our local museum of natural history, and was a huge hit with her and all of her friends. she was especially pleased to be in this special birthday chair :)

they made their own buttons to wear.

did some coloring.

made FOSSILS. ours is in the kitchen. fossilizing.

toured some of the museum of natural history.

dug in the sand for shark teeth

and found an entire set

opened a few gifts

blew out exactly 5 candles

and i caught at least one nephew (Alex) on camera in his totally rad sunglasses...

e with cousin Colin

this was the best i could do of my brother's boys
(Alex, Ethan behind Dylan, Colin).
after cake, they never stopped moving!

E had such a blast and as we drove away, Aunt Dawn and Uncle Brad couldn't hear
her waving and yelling "I will love you!" and "Be careful!" (she is forever
the one giving instructions).

as we pulled off, she had me roll her window down so she could yell to her
granddad and her other aunt and uncle,
"I love you guys!"

my god we are so blessed.

2011-01-24T07:06:00.000-08:00

this is Jiji.
This is where Jiji sleeps when
she isn't camped out on our bellies,
chests, heads, or any body part she
can find.

a little bed.
for a little kitten.

just for her.

or so i thought.

this is Ransom.
Ransom is not a kitten.

even having put on a few pounds, he's dreaming big
if he thinks he can curl up in this bed.

but you can't blame the lug for wishing.
and Jiji? she knew he'd give her the bed back.

eventually.

i have to say, she's pretty sweet for sharing
and giving him a turn
:O)

the budding artiste

2011-01-20T11:15:00.001-08:00

The job of the artist is always to deepen the mystery.
Francis Bacon

(photos by dad)

5 has arrived!

2011-01-17T11:58:00.001-08:00

and she couldn't be happier! we surprised her with some (very early morning) bday gifts after baba decorated with some ribbon the night before... we had a 2 hour drive to another neurosurgeon (right? what a way to spend your bday!)- we wanted a second opinion regarding her spine/brain MRI's from a year ago and walked away very impressed with this physician- thorough, personable, and even took the time to show us the MRI and go over it with us all in detail. We have learned that watching and waiting is in fact appropriate at this time. we will be repeating another MRI within the next 2-6 months to see what changes (if any) have taken place since she's grown about 6 inches in the last year. overall, such great news that there is no surgery in her immediate future. i knew 2011 was going to shape up nicely! here she is with Aunt Karen who took some time out from her hectic schedule to meet us for the appointment and pass along even MORE gifts (thank you Aunt Karen!!).

there will never be an easy way to couple such a wonderful celebration with the anniversary of the loss of my mom, the grandmother that E will not meet in this life. i can only say that while E's presence in our life in no way dulls the pain of losing her (just as our presence in E's life will never dull the pain of losing her parents in China), her pure love and joy reminds us of all the reasons we should continue to celebrate- my mom- what she gave to us- what our lives have become. there is so much to be thankful for. what a gift that is. i trust mom is here in spirit, smiling with us. and she'd want things no other way. she had no time for tears. :O)

happy birthday to the best kiddo i've ever known. we are incredibly blessed to be witness to her ever emerging beauty, both inside and out.

meet Jiji~!

2011-01-14T06:36:00.001-08:00

A few of you guessed correctly, a pet of her very own, and there is nothing she's wanted more than a cat :) We found her through our local pet rescue, she's 5 months old and incredibly sweet and curious. While I'm happy to have another cat, it seems a bit surreal and as with any relationship, it will take time for a bond to form. E is completely in awe of this (early) birthday gift and couldn't fall asleep last night for her excitement. Jiji (pronounced Gigi) was chosen after the cat in one of her favorite anime films, Kiki's Delivery Service.

Ransom isn't as thrilled as E, and seems a bit depressed, but he'll come around. He acted the same way with Gambit and he was second to come into the family at that time. I am giving him tons of extra loves and reminding him he's my boy and no one, not anyone, could ever replace him :)

2011-01-12T18:50:00.000-08:00

i don't talk about my work often. it's something that is just a part of my life & one that i grumble about too frequently. it rarely seems worth much attention here. when my friend Norma tagged me in this photo on FB, i was really overwhelmed by how proud i felt looking at all of us. there are 3 fairly new nurses in this picture, i'm one of the oldest at 43 (center in green and black). and those new nurses (in spite of my grumbling) have really renewed me in so many ways. they bring to us new knowledge and energy and prompt us to recall why we chose this career in the first place. because trust me, when you work on a furiously active unit dealing with cancer on a daily basis, renewal of spirit is essential. burn out is high. we have substantial turnover on our floor and seem to always be struggling to have enough staff to feel adequately supported. and it saddens me, because it seems it is always the best of the best that take wing and find their niche elsewhere. i certainly don't begrudge them. i'd be a hypocrite if i said i'd never thought of finding a place to work that is less intense.

but this floor has been a second home now for over 12 years. these people, even the ones that only arrived a matter of months ago, are like family.

anyway. seeing us huddled here together, saying good-bye to one greatly cherished friend and co-worker, emphasized how blessed i feel to be in the trenches with some of the best people (and best nurses) i have ever known. i've been in a steady slump at work lately- tired, stressed, and essentially, burned out. this photo affirmed some of the foremost reasons i love this field and especially the reasons i love this floor. we are a great team. and this is just a small sampling... behind each and every one of us are the hundreds of patients that have helped shape who we are and who have magnified the best in us.

2011. bringing the good news early!

2011-01-10T19:13:00.000-08:00

(pentax, film)

today was our yearly follow up with E's urologist, which included a renal ultrasound (kidneys), VCUG (where fluid and dye are injected into the bladder and then xray-ed to see how the bladder has changed, if there is any reflux of fluid into her kidneys, or any leaking), followed by the appointment with her M.D. who is, in a word, our favorite physician. that says a lot, cuz our girl got lots. at any rate, GOOD news all around. the reflux has resolved (thanks to medication), her hydronephrosis (basically, engorged kidney- with "water", or in her case, probably urine) is 100% resolved, and she held an UNgodly amount of saline in her bladder without leaking during the exam. are we in the clear? for good? no, and we never will be. she has one kidney that is severely scarred from years of insult (reflux) and her bladder pressure runs high very early into filling, showing that it's basically a bit "noncompliant" (as in, it doesn't want to stretch, but the meds are helping). and it will mean surgery for her in the future, but that could be years away. and that's what we're hoping for and banking on. and even though she doesn't have reflux anymore, the high pressures alone cause kidney damage, so she'll be closely monitored for the rest of her life.

that said, i am hoping this is a sign of good news to come, all around. her bday is exactly a week from today and we are completely stoked (especially the birthday girl who hasn't stopped talking about January since September). She will be receiving one very special surprise hopefully this weekend if all goes as planned... (sorry, can't spill here... yet!). not meant at all to be some cliff hanger, just so darn excited for her (and us) that i can't keep my mouth shut. Aunt Karen, no spilling the beans! of course, anyone is free to guess. just cuz i'm curious about what you'd come up with.

we are waiting to have her party at the end of the month because we wanted to secure the museum of natural history- there will be a fossil hunt, fossil making, a tour, and a party. we can't wait!

in other not-as-exciting-to-you good news, i was loaned this camera (the one i borrowed dates back to the early 80s). i had it checked out at my fave camera shop today and it is in perfect working order despite shelf dust and only the lenses need some cleaning. so, this weekend promises some adventure. i swear i am a total camera hog. if i like this one, i will be buying it from the prior owner.

ransom's tumors seen to be multiplying but so gradually that it's not, for whatever reason, concerning to me. someone commented in another post that love is keeping him here, and it reminded me of my favorite photographer, John Kaplan, who documented a large portion of his journey fighting lymphoma in Not As I Pictured (perhaps the most evocative and compelling documentary I have ever seen. as an aside, he happens to have adopted from China as well). what struck the deepest chord in me was one photograph he took of himself when he'd returned to class after treatment- on the back of his t-shirt was this: "LOVE KILLS CANCER". tears were streaming down my face. LOVE kills cancer.

i visualized all the cancers there are in this world: from his and my dog's and all my patients lymphomas to lung cancers to hatred to prejudice to religious intolerance... and i thought, the truth- it always hits you this hard. love kills cancer. in all its forms. of course! brilliant!

and truthfully, seeing this documentary as an oncology nurse with a severe and lifelong passion for photography, coming to know his story even a little- well, he's been the inspiration for me to return to school. my first declared major was photography. and maybe it's a pipe dream and maybe i won't be able to really make it happen, but i'm looking into photojournalism. as it happens, he teaches at the school i graduated from, right up the road... :O)

2011-01-06T10:12:00.000-08:00

(pentax k1000, film fuji pro 100)

i swear we are all alive, and breathing, and well! it has been a whirlwind beginning to 2011 and the weather though crisp has been gorgeous so we find ourselves opting for long walks or when it's too cold (or rainy as it was yesterday), indoors playing new games on the W*i - which has been, i have to admit, a complete blast. i'm also posting more often here, as one of my cameras follows me everywhere i go and lately i have been a girl of few words.

i promise a proper update soon, as this month promises activities and hope: E's 5th bday in 11 days, a second opinion about her spine and brain from a highly recommended neurosurgeon in a city not far from us (and with this, the hope of detethering of her spinal cord), ransom who is holding his own and still doing beautifully in spite of those tumors, and my desire to return to school in the fall :) more on that later!

off to embrace a bright, sunny, 63 degree day!

bliss

2010-12-30T18:53:00.000-08:00

so, that's what this photo says to me: the essence of joy without limit. she makes everyday so special, just by being here. we are so grateful for the happiness that is innate to who she is as a person, and how freely she shares that with us. today she and Baba came to see me at work and it was the reason i left smiling tonight. apparently she was so happy to be on her way to the hospital she kissed the car because it was the vehicle that would carry her to me. when i at last arrived home? there was g- greeting me with a smile and a kiss, while she and the dog were at my feet, one wiggling his back end, the other hugging my leg. sometimes there is nothing better than feeling like you are the glue, the "it"... you know, the mom. i have never felt more loved in my life as i do now. and i never dreamed being a mom could be this fulfilling. and it isn't about all that i receive, but about how much more i'm capable of giving for all that i have. my soul is content. life is good. the small stuff isn't worthy of my sweat :) so, i'm not sweating it.

here's to the new year. hope yours is filled with bliss.

(holga 120N, film kodak ektar 100)

our christmas

2010-12-26T13:35:00.000-08:00

a country road on our way home from seeing family, christmas eve day.

the magic of Santa, who came in the night to hang
magic ribbon for E.

the joy of new toys and stickers and books.

unwrapped :)

our dishwasher after breakfast.

a little bowling with the family gift.

a little nap time.

and making music with friends christmas night.

J her godfather helping with the trombone.

A (E's godmother) and Iris, their newest greyhound.

a glass of red wine.

love between A and Sabrina...

all in the glow of christmas light.

this year was filled with magic.
hope yours was too.

2010-12-23T09:51:00.000-08:00

(e with her friend and "china sister" h!)

since these next days will be filled with celebrating and seeing friends and family and tearing open gifts and laughing and singing and being thankful for an incredible year, here's wishing everyone a happy christmas!

from E, G, The Boob and Me :)

e wishes everyone a happy monday!

2010-12-20T05:33:00.000-08:00

here's to last minute everything! and only one more day left to work and then a nice 5 day break through christmas :)

(first photos-pentax K1000 fuji pro 200, last 3 with Holga, kokak ektar 100 and the much loved Holga double exposure).

love at first sight. for the dog.

2010-12-17T06:04:00.000-08:00

let's just say E was having nada to do with the 'huge' (her words) man in red with a long white beard. the photos of her were snapped after we left P.T. where santa came to visit- the crowd of people was overwhelming enough. once he showed up? well, lets just say she hasn't clung to me and melted down in tears in many, many long months. we thanked santa and headed on our way. and she cheered up as soon as we were to the car (you can see she's trying really hard not to smile in that second photo!).

Boob, on the other hand, was happy to sit by him at psmart this past weekend- i haven't seen him smile that big before :) i think it was all the back scratching... he didn't want to leave. and E was content to look on saying, "aww look at ransom so cute".

known by heart

2010-12-13T08:12:00.000-08:00

every skin fold. every hungry grunt. every "i need you to pet me grunt" and the distinctive "come on guys i wanna be on the couch too" grunt. every chewbacca whine. every snore and sigh. the meaning in your ears laid back against your head as you swagger to greet me at the door. the "look back". the carrot induced head tilt. your various panting- some born of anxiety, some brought on by warmly snuggling close and needing a move from the couch to the cool tile of the kitchen floor. some just big smiles and happiness, tongue hanging out, hamming it up for your audience. all your names and from where they came: Poopy Puppy, Boober Doozer, Boob, Stinker Do, Buddy, Lean To, Licky Larry, Mr. Fat Pants. your sense of humor. your hot breath in my face. your yeasty paws too red from licking. your scars. the velvet soft of your ears, your under belly. the patches of lost hair. one spotted ear, the other not. your teary eyes. your sneezes. that tiny umbilical hernia you've had since day one. how you'll choose a foot to sit on any day of the week over the floor. the dry patches on the top of your nose where your tongue can't reach. that one paw you'd rather no one touch- ever- the others, you don't seem to mind so much. the weight of you in my lap. the way you kick your back leg in half-sleep to make more room for yourself. how much you adore G and how intently you listen when either of us talk to you. the way you dream. your shifty eyes and sleepy blinks. your passion for chew toys. how totally good you are about taking medicine without any fuss. the way you shake when first out of bed, and just after we get outside. your opposition to bath time, thinking that running and jumping in your chair will save you from it, every.single.time. your love of the towel dry and tolerance of the blow dryer and just plain giving in to the nail clippers. how you trot around all full of yourself after that bath, waiting for the reward you know is coming. the way you huff as you climb the stairs. the manner in which you ~~eat~~ scarf down your meals. and almost take off a finger when we say "easy" as we hand you a table scrap. how you subtly let us know it's time for bed. the way you wait for me at the top of the stairs. your wiggling and shifting. how any halloween costume completely immobilizes you like a full body cast so that you must be reminded that yes, you can still walk. your love of the back scratch. the way your lips fall when you are laying on your back, upside down. the wind in your face. the way your nose twitches as you face that wind, taking it in. those 360's at lightning speed in the yard in your younger years. your loathing of "walks". your fear of objects- like: suitcases, boxes, packages you've never seen. but especially the suitcase. how you bark to keep those objects at bay. your compassion. the way you long to be near me. how you will climb over the person sitting next to me to get there. how you shoulder my tears. sometimes licking them away. sometimes hugging them hard. sometimes with your head on my chest, looking into me. but always, carrying them. your bravery. your joy. the firm and soft parts of your tumors. your silly expressions. the way that one tooth gets stuck on your upper lip. your wet kisses on my calves, my arms, my face and neck. how deeply you love. how you believe everyone is here to see you because probably they are :0) how you loved E from day one. how you waited patiently for that love to be returned. your desire to be involved with all that we are doing, especially if it involves food (from preparation to meal time to clean up, which you are thrilled to help with). your love of sleep. your ravenous appetite. for a new treat. for a new day.

for life.

(the decision to withdraw chemo was made today, in confidence, and with hope for his best days ahead until his days with us are done).

monkey hat! monkey hat!

2010-12-11T19:52:00.000-08:00

ever so completely grateful to my friend Krista who sent along this christmas gift for E that was made by her famously talented mom (click on that line and you will see more of her work in her Etsy shop!). what an unexpected and thoughtful gift. from the first time i saw these hats on her blog i coveted one, especially THIS one... and she had no idea. you read my mind Krista. thank you so very much. your mom has amazing talent!! and i have to say it looks especially adorable on E... and baba... and, of COURSE ransom!

2010-12-08T11:44:00.001-08:00

we've had our first scare. last night i came home to my boy having a horrible bout of GI issues, including diarrhea and some (short lived) nausea. the diarrhea went on for some time and eventually we saw blood. not being able to reach his vet, i spoke to the ex who basically said, "k, it might be time". to say i was absolutely beside myself would be a huuuuge and ridiculous understatement. i lost it. i was a blubbering mess.

looking at him, in spite of feeling sick yesterday and pooped (no pun intended) today, it just doesn't seem possible that he's really sick. you fool yourself daily into thinking he'll live to a normal bulldog old age. at any rate, the vet has determined he has a stress induced colitis or a minor bowel infection, and to be on the safe side, he's on s short round of antibiotics. he is pretty much himself today and the diarrhea is slowing down, and I've seen no more blood, thank goodness.

a few things occurred to me as i faced possibly putting him down today if things worsened or they found the cancer had indeed spread. 1. i will never be ready- there is no such thing as being ready. i should have remembered that lesson when i lost mom. but what a gift cancer is, in some ways, allowing us the time to truly cherish what we have left of it, knowing what the ultimate outcome will be. 2. this will be much, much harder than i ever could have imagined. and 3. he is still my rock. as i blubbered and whispered to garth: "i can't do it, i just can't do it- how am i going to do it?"... my boy sat at my feet, licking my leg- over and over again. as if to say- don't worry about these details. they are insignificant. my death isn't the end. later, he was pulled onto my lap and he washed my face clean of all those salty tears. how unfair it seems that he is strong for me. it isn't that i'm not for him, or haven't been, or won't be, but it amazes me how he reminds me of being present to one another, in the moment. he truly, truly is... the best dog ever. ever.

i've hesitated to update about him, trying to just focus on the days and weeks we have together. we have our next appointment monday. we were to begin his 4th round of chemo. unfortunately, the tumors in his neck are growing again, and most likely chemo will be stopped as it is now ineffective. there may be some other options (a certain injection) but i refuse to put my dog through anything that will diminish his quality of life or risk him losing it sooner (from allergic reactions, etc). so, we'll talk about those things come monday. i fight looking at the calendar and just move into each day so grateful for his snoring body next to mine.

this weekend we celebrate my birthday. the plan was to take him to the beach, make the weekend all about him- as i can't think of any greater gift to give myself or our small family. since the doctor believes the colitis was ultimately brought on by stress, we might opt out of the beach and find something more suited to his style, like psmart again :)

this is a tough road we wander down unexpectedly. but on the way, there have been just as many unexpected gifts.

s*bway

2010-12-06T18:51:00.000-08:00

eat fresh.
or as e likes to say:
"tastes great" while we reply "less filling".

photos by dad :)

ransom then and now

2010-12-03T18:56:00.000-08:00

1 year old

my boy, 1 year

7 years old

i found some old photos hidden in the hard drive from his first year (the second was taken this week after i said, "carrot?"). i have others taken with an old film camera from when he first came home at 4 months, but our scanner is all pesky these days and i can't get them onto the computer. looking at that first photo though? wow. the years since then that have passed and all that we have been through together.

i emailed his vet tonight, to let her know that it seems his tumors have enlarged. maybe it's an illusion. maybe emotionally i can't feel what is real any longer. impossible to be objective. i try to tell myself that, anyway. kitchu, it's your emotional fingers getting in the way! the tumors- they haven't changed! don't be silly! they are the same! but a second and triple checking grope around his neck, seeing how the right side is bulging again, i know the clinical mind that rests under my anxiety isn't fooled.

i am selfish, as i whisper into his velvet ear: i'm not ready buddy. i'm not ready.

for all that i lost

2010-12-01T09:14:00.000-08:00

i only needed this one shot to be reminded of what i have.
an entire roll of film ruined? seems a small matter
when i look at this one photo that was salvaged.

here's to december and blankets and hot chocolate and curling up
to a favorite book and playing and making ends meet
and decorating the perfect tree.
and
friends then
and friends now.
and family.
always.

2010-11-29T12:29:00.000-08:00

recently, a very close friend of my oldest sister (karen, pictured with me in the nike hat) lost her youngest sister after a long battle with a serious illness. my heart cannot even fathom such a loss. it is impossible to picture my life without any of my siblings in it. my heart breaks for karen's friend (who is more like family). i wish i had one word, one hug, one way other than bringing that sister back that would remove the hole that is now a part of liz's heart.

it didn't take hearing of this loss to put my life in perspective, nor did it cause me to love or appreciate my siblings any more than i already do- because honestly, each and every single day i grow ever more in love with my siblings. but this loss did give me pause. it compelled me to reflect on each of them, what they mean to me, all that we've been through together, all that we've celebrated together.

maybe it's the time of year that draws me into this reflective mood as well. certainly the loss of our mom brought us even closer to one another (if that's possible). and the holidays invariably bring back some of our most cherished memories of mom- who loved this time of year more than anyone i've ever known.

my brother and i, my sisters and i- we haven't skated through our own relationships. they have withstood their own hurts and come through with the grace of forgiveness that seems to be both harder and easier to bestow on family. what i realized today is that no time, no distance, no discord, can ever change the unbreakable bond that is uniquely ours. that each of them in their uniqueness is uniquely loved by me. fully embraced exactly as they are, flaws and imperfections, differences and likenesses. there are never moments (even when i am frustrated or angry) that my love is even slightly diminished for one of them. i suspect in those moments i actually learn to love them and myself more deeply, more fully.

i don't take what we have together and individually for granted. i know how rare it is to be a part of a larger family and find among those siblings the closest of friends (who may not have chosen one another were it not for being brought together in family).

each of them holds a sacred place in my heart. each of them is cherished in a way no others are in my life.

this song is for you, my brother- brad, my sisters- kim and karen. i hope you will pause with me, and find a quiet space to listen to every last lyric.

and it goes out to liz, who has lost a piece of her own heart.

the tree is up!

2010-11-28T19:10:00.001-08:00

and we have no photos of that. yet.

lesson number one. before packing up the one camera you've decided to use, and shooting 36 photos (from selecting the tree to strapping it on the car to hauling it into the home), it's probably a fantastic idea to make sure your camera has, you know, film in it. because, apparently, you might forget the ole pentax k1000 still advances to the next shot, even when its not actually recording a thing you are shooting (you know, without the necessary film).

and while we're on that subject, the next day? when you and the family decide to do some antique shopping (see photos above) and browse main street in a sleepy and quaint nearby town? try not to curse your pentax to the bowels of camera hell when your shutter seems to freeze up and your film won't advance. try rewinding it before opening the back to "check" if it even has film in it after lesson number one was learned. and by no means assume that you just loaded that roll and then proceed to remove and obliterate the lot of it.

and since this is in fact a lesson, maybe choose just one camera instead of hauling all 4. that might clear up confusion about which has film and which doesn't, which was rewound, which was loaded, which was prepped by a 3 frame advance before you remove the lens to begin capturing the beauty of your day. you get the picture. (or in this case, you lose it).

digital back-up. my new plan. thankful i have a few from our day because of that plan. :O)

(and yes, i am aware that the santa in the store window is both a little scary and also kind of sad in a lonely sort of way).